transabled.org

Hey Gordo, as I’ve said before in another context, I think you should go for this. You are at just the right age to make the most of this unique opportunity. My concern would be this: You really do need people in your life and you found, totally appropriately, a social circle at your university once you became at ease with your BIID. Can you manage, emotionally, without living your body image and still make friends? I think, now that you have the beginnings of a plan for your life, that you can, for a year. We all say from this end of the experience, “It’s only for a year” but a year can be an awfully long time when you’re not happy. My hope is that in a world that’s totally new to you, and especially out from under your family (who I trust will forgive this Western barbarian’s way of seeing it), you will find friends there, and through them enough happiness to see you through.

You seem to have thought all this through, and are excited about it. So go for it! I am excited for you, Gordo. If I were in your shoes though, I would be bringing my folding cane (as I recall you have). Urges can get strong.

A close friend of mine went to Japan to do this, and absolutely loved it. He will be finishing up three years in a few months, and returning close to where I live. I am SO looking forward to hanging out with him again. He knows about the BIID, and is one of those friends who knew me well enough not to be surprised about it. True friends will still be there for you when you get back, Gordo.

Dude, go for it. If you feel as if no one will miss you, then why stick around? You got us, and I’m sure you will make some friends over there. Like Chloe said, bring your cane, even if you will only use it at home.

The decision to go sems to be to be a good, logical choice to make, particularly in these difficult economic times.

I suspect you’re wrong, people will miss you, some of them at least.

That said, I never really belonged anywhere until I was involved in the disability rights movement. Even professional associations, sporting clubs, hobby groups and all that, never really fitted in.

I know this group isn’t the same as “real” friends, but we’re here, and we’re your mates :)

I feel the same as Gordo a lot in my life. Years ago I used to have a large circle of friends online and perticipated a lot in forums and groups. Today, all the friends I used to have are gone, they still exist in my messager friend list, only they never come online. I leave them messages or emails, I never get any responces. For a time I left the community all together out of frustration because of my past and not getting along with people. Now that I have come back the sence of belonging or being cared about isn’t very heart felt, I am sure that I know why, but it doesn’t make me feel any better. I think quite a lot to myself sometimes, “What if I died suddenly tomarrow…would anyone even care? Would they send me a message asking me where I had gone or what happened to me? Or would my online world just sit dorment and no one would never think about why.” used to be I used to get messages all the time from people threw email, IMs, and on forums, no a days it seams like I constantly leave messages for people and they just ignore them, avoid me, and never respond to me at all in any way.

-Wheelman

Hi Gordo,

The reason you don’t think any of your real life friends will miss you is because neither of you grew (and changed) together over the years.

Your chair does not make you disabled. Being disabled is psychological. I am reminded of the movie “Friend of Dreams.” There is a scene when the young “doc” has the chance to cross over to save a girl’s life. He has his baseball uniform on. As he moves to the line separating one life from the other, he begins to get into the role of being a doctor psychologically in order to get into the role physically.

I would not be myself without my wheelchair. My chair is a part of my identity. I know that I will have more chairs in the future.

My ex-boyfriend would become really depressed when he went without using his chair for awhile. I remember we would ride places together. When we rode outside, his physical appearance would change. He seemed much happier and full of life.

You have to stand up for yourself and what you really want to be. “Friends” may disapprove and make hurtful comments. You need to take control of your life and find a community that will accept you. Don’t be a mask society wears. :)

I had two friends who were English graduates and I was an English major in college. I am now feeling confident in myself and want to submit writings to newspapers and magazines for publication. As I waited for my mom to visit yesterday, I wrote four pages on society, “The Phantom of the Opera,” and mental illness. After I re-read the piece, I realized I need to add on here and there.

There are many areas of the English field you can pursue: becoming an editor, presiding over literary boards, contributing articles and stories, and changing how other people view causes you believe in.

One of my favorite movies growing up was the movie “Splash (featuring Tom Hanks and Darryl Hannah).” Hannah was taking a shower when Hanks knocked on the door. At the time Hanks had no idea he had fallen for a mermaid. Rushing around, Hannah began to dry her fins off. She knew that this man would not accept her as a whole if he knew about the “secret.”

My boyfriend is a Polio survivor and I have CP. Our friends don’t see us for our disabilities. He and I both love to laugh and have fun. We are both disabled psychologically and physically. Friends feed off our emotions. It’s give and take.

I wish you the best of luck, peace, and happiness in your life. :)

Will your friends miss you when you are gone? Every true friend misses a friend from his or her past. I have memories of two friends from kindergarten, and they pop into my mind from time to time. I don’t miss them because I don’t know them now. I miss their memory. These girls played with me as if I was not disabled.

I am reminded of the movie “Friend of Dreams.”

I am sorry. The movie is “Field of Dreams.” I knew I should have gone to bed earlier last night. :)

Hi Gordo,

you sound a bit sad, and I can understand you.

When I was 22, I often felt alone, very lonely. Many old friends had moved away and the strings had become loose. New aquaintances were nice, but I didn\’t feel at home with them.

Only when I came out as gay during my university time, I found new friends who really \”fitted\” the new phase of my life. Some of them are still my best friends - but some of them have moved away (which makes me very sad at times).

I have a loving partner whom I love. There are some friends around, too. But again I feel lonely often, because only my partner knows about my desire to become legless. I have found some new friends who also have BIID. A new phase…

My life has always been lonely phases followed by phases with friends.

You are so young, you will learn to know so many people if you give them a chance and if you give yourself a chance by going out, meeting people, talking with them, being taken in the arm and taking them in the arm… The internet, e-mail etc. alone brings only few real friendships.

You will find friends everywhere in the world. I still regret not having gone abroad when I had the chance. One year is over so fast.

You don\’t have to decide rationally. You may also just follow your heart.

I wish you the best!

Phil

Hi Gordo

I don’t want to confuse you further but it occured to me that if you are certain that you want to spend your life as a paraplegic (silly question?) Then perhaps you could go on this trip and return in your wheelchair (or one that you realistically could have obtained in the culture where you’re going, you can swap when you get home).

You won’t have to worry about not having stories from rehab because you can just say that there wasn’t really any. You’ll have been away for long enough that the people you know won’t realise that you haven’t been in hospital or anything.

I’m just seeing the potential of this as a start to full time wheeling if you want it to be. You can tell your parents you were in an accident a few weeks or months before you come home, or you can hoose to tell them and selected others the truth but all that is your decision.

I don’t want to confuse you but I wouldn’t want to realise that I’ve seen this possibility and in a few years time you see it and wonder why you missed it!

Good luck with whatever you choose. We’re here for you whatever.

That is an EXCELLENT insight, Beth. Wow.

Hi Gordo - I have plantar fasciitis in both feet. This is something that can’t be proven with an xray, but trust me, the pain can be enough to keep me from walking. Do research on it - there’s really not much to it, but it should be a good reason to bring crutches and a chair.

As the others said, I think you would be missed far more than you realize. Still, I think it sounds like a great opportunity. You can weather the worst of the financial downtown and come back as Beth suggested.

Best of luck to you.

I haven’t replied for a while in here due to exams… and also, I thought I’d think this over or wait to see if things change. It hasn’t.

Well, it’s official. I’m hereby cutting off that best friend I mentioned in my post. The way he’s treating me now is just horrible. Even ENEMIES treat each other better than this.

He’s not even acknowledging my existence anymore, so I’m not going to return the favor. He’s played this game for months now, and I’m sick of it and I’m sick of tolerating it. If it’s because of my BIID, then he outright lied to my face about him being okay with it, and that’s almost worse.

My parents don’t really care too much about me going overseas anyway… If anything, they’re eager to see me go back to Asia (since I’m Asian but raised in Canada). They seem too giddy about the thought of me doing Asian things (as opposed to North American things) to really miss me. They want me to become more Asianized (since I’m nowhere close to being a stereotypical Asian at the moment).

So with all of that, there’s a grand total of one person who clearly stated that he’ll miss me. One. And it’s not even a family member. Everyone either wants to see me go (ie. parents) or don’t even want to think about me anymore. Seems like a pretty clear decision to me. I know it’d be a cool experience, but I think being a loner is going to be an advantage. No homesickness, no missing people back home — these are the two main reasons for “runners” (those who panic and decide to fly home without notifying anyone or finishing the teaching contract).

I’ve been open to people and everything this school year (around 8 months and counting), more than ever before. I’ve made many acquaintances, but no real friends. I think that avenue is pretty much fruitless now.

I honestly wish I was in Amanda’s shoes, because at least she knows someone who accepts (”embraces” might be too strong a term — is it?) her for who she is.

I do have writing aspirations, but they’re mostly with novels or screenplays — not really something full-time unless I’m really good. Actually, the only screenplay I’ve written is “Wannabe” (it’s somewhere on this site… look around).

Beth: Your idea would sound good if not for my Asian background. Asian parents are often overly involved in their child’s life, to the point where things like doctor-patient confidentiality can be a moot point. My mom still wants to accompany me into the doctor’s office to this day, due to this culturally-accepted clinginess. It has nothing to do with babying; it’s mostly because of the Asian cultural norms involving parents and their children (even adult ones).

Becs: I’ll look into it, but I don’t know if I’d be able to “fake” that well enough, by what you described.

Hey Gordo, just remember you’re doing this for you, not your parents or anyone else. Accept their clinginess on your terms not theirs, leave it with them when you leave them. You are not really Chinese inside, otherwise the question would not bother you so.
Re friendships, as a Chinese-Canadian I wouldn’t thing you should expect be much more than a curiosity in Korea, once people satisfy their curiosity that will be that. In any case you know you’ve got understanding friends here and I expect we’ll be hearing from you in short order once you arrive.
I’m sure you did fine on your finals so will congratulate you in advance on your upcoming graduation.