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When In Doubt…
Written by Elisabeth on Sunday, March 14, 2010
When in doubt, I give myself the benefit. When I feel that I am wrong about my BIID and my husband is right, I look at a quarter of century of compensating and fighting of BIID and I ask myself: Am I really that stupid that I couldn’t figure out the easy answer?
If the answer is so simple as my husband says, if the answer is to just grow up, banish the sinful thoughts when they come and fight them with prayer, why didn’t I come up with that answer? I consider myself to be of above average intelligence (please don’t judge it by my English, after all, English is only my fourth foreign language I learned) and I consider myself rather spiritual. I try to be in contact with God and listen to Him. So why wouldn’t He tell me such a simple answer? It’s not an easy one to implement but it’s simple. After all, I fight my temper every day and I banish my judgmental thoughts a lot. It’s been part of my Christian life and I have seen changes, I can control my tongue much better now. So why?
Perhaps because when it comes to BIID, the answer is not so simple? I believe BIID is not just a little girl’s (or boy’s) fantasy that turned into a habit. Habits can be changed, slowly or going cold turkey. But BIID runs much deeper than a habit, it’s part of who we are, it is part of our identity.
I watched the movie Transamerica the other day. Felicity Huffman plays a transgendered woman who is trying to find acceptance in her family and trying to find her role as a parent. Then I watched the special features and there was an interview with Ms. Huffman. She shared that though she doesn’t understand the transgendered issues, she could identify with her character, because "we all want to become who we really are, we all want to come home to ourselves and be seen by our family, by our community, by our lovers as our true selves."
So when I doubt, I ask myself: "Is wheeling bringing me closer to home, the home of myself?" And the answer is yes. Habits don’t have that power, they don’t express our identity. BIID does, that’s why I believe I am right.
Tags: BIID, God, Prayer, transgendered
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4 Comments
2 On 15 March, 2010, Phil said:
Dear Elisabeth,
these are very remarkable thoughts. May I publish them on the biid-dach forum in German? And I would like to show it to my therapist as well.
Thank you! And best wishes
Phil
Thank you for your kind thought and appreciation. :-)
@Phil: Feel free to publish it. It’s comforting for me to see that I can make sense, even though to my husband I make no sense whatsoever.
I agree with you, Elisabeth. I’m passing through this question in this right moment.
Thanks for sharing.
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1 On 14 March, 2010, Chloe said:
One of the many things I like about you, Elisabeth, is that your common sense runs deep.