transabled.org

heh. hey look, i’m back. after SEVERAL MONTHS of quiet biid… but it’s back again -_-

so yeah, i know how you feel even though i don’t recognize you elisabeth. were you here when i kinda disappeared?

er, torako is me btw if you didn’t realize… (sorry, i go by both online and i keep forgetting i’m tora here rather than torako)

Hi Elisabeth,

has all this to do with the visit of your mother?

When I have phases like you seem to have, often only a surprise helps me out – a visit of a friend, a new perspective in my work, a holiday, something different. Sometimes it’s a shock that brings me back to the ground.

It’s easy to get lost – to lose oneself – to lose the feeling of oneself, life, world…

As far as I remember, you aren’t too happy in your family situation. Maybe you need some time for yourself elsewhere?

Sometimes i just need more sleep, tenderness or sex.

Is there anything that you miss (except yourself)?

Hope you’ll feel more alive soon!

@Tora: I’ve been around for only about half a year. Rather new to this site and blogging.

@Phil: Personally I think I am going through a clinical depression, chemical imbalance, something that has very little to do with my will. I am a rather cheerful and friendly person, I don’t have a shitty view of the world or life. I decided long time ago that I am responsible for my own happiness and thus I am only marginally influence by others (not that I don’t have a trouble to tell people what I think).
I picked up some herbs today, hopefully they will help. Because the problem is not in my attitude.

I’ve noticed even when their doesn’t seem to be a reason to be depressed, I sometimes am.

When I go searching for the reason of depression, I come up empty. I can’t figure it out.

But usually, even if I cant see the reason – its usually because my mind is blocking it …

Its almost like a defense. Your mind blocking out things that cause depression even if you are depressed. Perhaps to keep you from becoming more depressed?

I’ve never been able to wheel. I dont know the emptiness that comes from not being able to after getting used to it …

I do know the emptiness of sitting down in a chair at a restaurant knowing your going to walk out though. I know it sounds weird … But …

Just actually knowing my legs work can be depressing some days. Especially when I focus on other things and pretty much forget they are there and then notice again when I get up to do something.

Anyways – sometimes we get depressed and block out the cause. I dont know why, but … I’ve found sometimes searching for an answer isn’t always the best idea. I’ve also found that if your mind blocks something out, its usually for good reason. Often searching for things it has blocked out can lead to more hurt and anguish than what was originally there.

I hope you clear up your depression though. It can really be a suckish thing :/

Perhaps I’m reading too much between the lines here. Somehow I am getting the impression this has more to do with your mother than with your wheelchair. You didn’t say explicitly, but it seems that your not wheeling coincided with your mother’s visit. Is this correct? If so, then there is a lot going on here.

I don’t want to go too far with this, in case my assumption is erroneous. However, one would want to ask oneself why you were not wheeling in front of your mother. Did you talk with her about your BIID? If not, why not? Are you hiding anything from your mother? If so, then the strain of being inauthentic could easily be a trigger for depression.

Hi Chloe,
actually I wheeled most of the time mother was visiting and she was fine with it. She doesn’t know the real reason though and I am not planning to tell her any time soon.
The only reason I wouldn’t wheel the last three days she was here were practical reasons: going to a restaurant buffet, going to airport and back four times, going to a few different social inaccessible places. I didn’t want to push too hard on my mother as she was very cool with my wheeling.
That said, there definitely might be a connection there anyway. The mother/daughter thing doesn’t work for us. Also toward the end I was very exhausted from being around her.
What I see positive about this bout of depression is me being more open about it. I was able to tell hubby about it. And he is very understanding. I am willing to face it as reality, as clinical reality, that has nothing to do with my attitude toward life, so I am not beating myself over it.
It’s also nice to know that I can come to people on this site and that most won’t pass any judgment, only support.
So please keep sending some positive energy my way :-)

Hi Elisabeth,

There are indeed many of us out here who know how bad depression sucks. So you are guaranteed much positive energy coming your way.

Figuring out why one is depressed can be far from easy. To be sure, there are potential life events that could readily send me into a downward spiral. But for now my life seems good. Yet I can’t get by without Prozac.

It was illuminating for me to spend a lot of time with my sister recently. Among many other things, we discussed our respective depressions. Like me, she attempted reducing the dose of antidepressant a while ago. She lasted four days before crashing. I lasted six days. I have come to accept that depression is an illness I shall always have, regardless of external circumstance. It’s just the way my brain is.

I’m very glad that your husband is supportive in this matter. A lot of people still seem to think that one can just make depression go away through an act of will. I try not to let depression stop me from being happy though. They can coexist.

Take care.