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Embarrassed
Written by Elisabeth on Sunday, May 16, 2010
My mother was very embarrassed. I was leaving a restaurant in my usual way: running into the door, pushing it out by force. I kept the door open for her to get out after me. I was polite to my mother, to an older lady. She got embarrassed.
Was I not in a wheelchair, she would have expected me to hold the door for her. But I was wheeling. She claims that people gave her a dirty look for not helping me. For not holding the door for me, for the gimp. She felt very bad because of her interpretation of people’s looks. I wasn’t paying attention. I like to show off though and I know people are watching a gimp opening a door. Because they presume that we can’t.
Later that day we had a little talk. I was trying to explain to her that I won’t let people help me unless I need their help. That I am trying to change the perception of able-bodied people toward wheelchair users. That I want to show what we as wheelers can do. What followed was interesting. I was told the polite way would be to let others help me. Always. Because persons with disabilities are second-rate people, they are inferior, deficient. That is a given. I told her I am trying to change that a little bit. I was told that was I really needing a wheelchair, I would let people help me. I had to laugh. I told her about my friends who are paras or have MS. They don’t let others help them unless assistance is needed. My mother said she didn’t want to talk about it any more. That the talk depressed her.
It is depressing, no doubt about it. Equality is a very fragile concept. Why is it so hard to understand that we are all equally human and deserve to be treated with dignity? Society teaches us otherwise. The words like "invalid" are all too common where I come from. The language is powerful. My husband uses the word "cripple" exclusively for people with disabilities. He won’t be politically correct. We are perceived as crippled. Not only in our bodies but in our humanity and in our dignity. So we need to let others help us so they can feel better about themselves. If they help us, perhaps they won’t feel bad about the thought they have about us.
Well, I won’t let anybody feel good. You are embarrassed by not helping me? Your embarrassment is based on your guilt and shame and pity. When you see me for who I am, you will be proud that I am independent. You will be able to look people straight in their eyes and they will see that pride there, no pity. That is the way I want it. I am trying to change the world just a little.
Tags: Dignity, Disability, Guilt, Pity, Shame, Wheelchair
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7 Comments
“So we need to let others help us so they can feel better about themselves.”
You hit the nail right on the head there! Of course it’s their need not ours that’s being met.
I delight in holding doors open for others, regardless of their age or gender. Sometimes it gets a surprised look that presumably reflects a challenge to their preconceptions of me being a helpless cripple.
On the other hand I am also gracious about meeting other people’s need to hold a door open for me, even though it generally causes inconvenience for myself.
For me, what it comes down to is trying to project that people in wheelchairs are pleasant to be with. There is no reason to feel embarrassed or uncomfortable around us.
Dear Chloe, you are always so kind to others.
I wish people would sometimes offer help when they see me with a cup of coffee. But that never happens. When my skirt is too tight and I can’t put the cup between my legs, that’s when I could use the extra hand. Otherwise I’m afraid their need to help the poor cripple doesn’t get met.
5 On 17 May, 2010, Phil said:
I see it a bit more general:
Most people, including me, have an only poor ability to really see and hear and feel who the real individual person is next to them. My head is full of stereotypes and thoughts, so it is hard to perceive the real You and the real situation and needs.
I am slowly learning it, bit by bit.
I still haven’t found an optimal solution to the issue of carrying a drink, but I do avoid tight skirts. All the people at the Starbucks inside the hospital where I work know to give me a grande latte in a venti cup so that I’m less likely to spill it. The left leg brace keeps the hot cup away from my leg where I might not notice a burn. I suppose it’s a good thing that I have full sensation in my right leg, but I have to stop a couple of times on the way back to my office to lift the cup up so that I don’t burn myself there.
We had a friend over for dinner two days ago, and I was wearing both KAFOs in the wheelchair. While I was bringing my wine from the kitchen to the living room, the glass swivelled between the leg braces, dumping most of the contents on my skirt, legs, braces, and shoes. Urgh!
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1 On 16 May, 2010, Rhayven said:
Its sad really …
And its not just with PWDs or perceived PWDs. Its also with the mentally ill or challenged.
It was the same way in the Mental Hospital I was in. People treated me like I was a lesser person. That I was in their because I am inferior or some shit like that.
And this social worker acted like just because shes a social worker shes more knowledgeable about things like SI Than I am even though shes never lived it … Rather than let me vent she told me to go to my room if I “wasn’t going to be productive” I was like wtf? Thats one reason if and when I go back, I’m not going to Respond … I only ever trusted Sharon and she was relocated so …
Anyways its said sin’t it? People see us as inferior and less because not everything works. Even if its not visible … Such as being deaf. The second they learn that – its like something clicks in their mind and they just totally turn into asses!
I Honestly wish more people were raised as I was. Not the intense abuse or anything … But raised to treat people equally. Not make fun of someone with a disability.
Theres a guy that lives down the street and y’;know – hes retarded. But even so, hes one of the best friends I have. Because of his friendship, as well as my own experiences, my eyes are open to the world. I am not closed minded to those with disabilities, whether they are of the mind or limbs.