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What about HIS responsibilities to you? What about “for better or for worse”? Doesn’t HE have duties to you? Why do YOU, as the wife, become a martyr and relinquish yourself, and any chance at not even happiness, but peace of mind, to satisfy his close minded attitude?

So, he thinks a shrink can resolve your issue? Play along. Go see a shrink, and make sure it’s one you can actually educate about the topic. Play the “game”. When the shrink has no results, you might want to show your husband all the studies that show that BIID can’t be resolved through psychotherapy or medication. It might not change his mind, I suspect it wouldn’t. But at least you’ll know you’ll have done everything in your power to satisfy your part of the “bargain”.

I’ll say this, without meaning to start a pointless argument about religion and Catholicism, but it’s that perception that to be a good wife you need to forget your needs, and repress everything. Screw that!

I agree with Sean. How can be be a good husband if he refuses to take his wife’s needs into account?

You say he’d be fine with your wheeling if you had an actual need for it- but when you prove that you do have an actual need to wheel and he still refuses to accept it. That’s just not a good situation. He’s put you into the position where all the burden of proof is on you and he gets to be the judge of what is and isn’t acceptable, so he can dismiss anything he wants while you have to struggle to come up with a “satisfactory” (by his standards) argument. When you do come up with an argument that meets his standards, he can just change them.

If you think you can find a shrink who is familiar with or can be educated about BIID (and I’d show them the studies Sean suggested) and want to try, then you can and (if you can afford to) should. Sometimes people will listen to specialists. But he might not at the same time, so that really is a “if you want to”.

And when you suggested he see a therapist- did you mean as well, or instead? If you meant that you should both see (the same/separate) therapists- that seems like a fine compromise. Do you know why he didn’t accept it? Beyond “it’s not my fault!”- does he see therapy as only for “crazy people” even though most people can benefit from it, does he have a personal reason to not want to, does he just not want to accept that marriage is a 2 way street and he’ll have to give a little to get a little?

From my husband’s perspective, he’s the one doing all the sacrifices and I am the selfish bitch. Not only a bitch but also a misguided soul that needs help. It boils down to his belief that BIID isn’t a real condition but only some kind of compulsive fantasy. If that is his premise, his behaviour is rather a rational one. Without changing the premise, there is no chance…

“Hubby believes his life is hell because of me”

Your husband is wrong, as he will see if you are to give in to it.

No one’s life is hell because of anyone else.

I don’t have that much to help you. This seems to be a whole lot about your religion and I simply cannot relate.

But it sounds like your husband is lacking in a certain emotional maturity.

As I see it there are three outcomes. You stop wheeling. Your husband then has to deal with the resentful wife who won’t be happy and it’s his fault. Or, you separate, in which case he can then mope around his life forever bemoaning the fact that his marriage fell apart because his wife was “mad”. Or, you stay as you are and he resents you for having BIID.

He isn’t happy in any of those scenarios.

One thing… Just a query, I’m wondering what your view is on divorce, as a Catholic?

(I can only apologise for the poor flow of my comment. I hope it is clear, even if it is difficult to read.)

A good Christian marriage is a partnership of equals. Your husband isn’t treating you as an equal in regards to intelligence or emotional maturity.

@Gravity: I agree with you: I am not causing my husband to live in hell. It’s his choice. I firmly believe that happiness is an inside job, that I am responsible for my own happiness, same goes for him.

I think hubby believes in number four option: I stop wheeling because I realise I am silly and by my own will(or prayer) I reject the evil that is possessing me.
For me as a Catholic divorce is not an option. Separation is. When husband found out about my BIID, he said he could have our marriage annulled because I didn’t disclose my mental illness at the time of the wedding. Right, a mental illness that I even didn’t know I had. I only knew some of its symptoms and was ashamed and guilt-ridden because how I felt.
The argument with hubby is partly about religion and partly about total inflexibility to change certain sets of thought.

@Sophie: I think you nailed it. Well, he knows I am smarter than him though he tries to deny it but you are right on with the emotional maturity thing. I never thought about it like that before, I was able to put it in words as a lack of trust that I can make a good decision and if I see I am wrong, I will change. But it is the same, really. Thanks.

I apologise for being so blunt, but I don’t know how else to say it. You are being abused; verbally, emotionally and physically.

The physical abuse I endured in a previous relationship was trivial: pinched, punched, pushed, shoved and threatened with knives. The daily barrage of verbal and emotional abuse year after year was psychologically devastating. I entered into that relationship with precious little self esteem. I left with none. The psychotherapist I saw at that time said that I had the physical demeanor of someone who was living in constant fear. Even now, I still haven’t completely got rid of the automatic flinch when someone gives an unanticipated gentle touch to my arm. Perhaps I’m being hypersensitive about this, but I don’t want to see you go down this path, Elisabeth.

Why am I talking about physical abuse here? Well, what you describe about back pain also hit a nerve with me. I have the same experience of wheeling making a big difference with that. If someone, knowing of my back pain, suggested that I shouldn’t use a wheelchair, I would be absolutely furious with them. Your husband making threats in order for you to do something that will cause you physical pain IS abuse.

Abusers need help just as much as abusees. Unfortunately I also know just how hard it is to encourage abusers to get help with their mental health problems. They will persistently deny that it is their problem.

Perhaps I am stepping over a boundary here, but I am reading a subtext about Catholicism in what you write. It shocks and disturbs me that any religion could be perceived as condoning a husband’s abuse of his wife.

I’m not giving you any answers, Elisabeth. I really do understand that there is a dilemma here. And it is very tough.

Hugs,

~ Chloe

Nearly everything I would have to say has been said already. So just one question remains for me to ask:
Why do you think your husband could take your children away from you? How could he do it?
Couldn’t you take the children with you and leave him, too?
(I do NOT recommend to do it!)

Thank you, guys, for your support. Can’t even one of you try to take my hubby’s side? Just teasing you.
@Chloe: It is very funny to see the perception one has about the other. I was told so many times how great of a man I married. Yet early in the marriage we started going each our way. There was a certain level of sexual/mental abuse from the beginning but I was told that I was to be a good catholic wife and he always had a right to it. No, not a good start. I was a bit too conservative at that time and put up with it. At some point I stopped being a good girl. I started to be responsible for my own happiness even in a marriage that was not good. But the subtle mental and verbal abuse is always there. I fully agree with Chloe that making me stop wheeling would be both physical and mental abuse. The only reason why I can stay in this relationship is because of my independence, because I live mainly the way I want (sans a supportive husband) and don’t let the abuse touch me too much. It would take one direct physical abuse and he would be paying alimony for a long time.
The reason why hubby might be able to get a custody of our kids would be my BIID. Find a lawyer who has the same distorted view of BIID as he does, show that I am a possible threat to my physical integrity, tell that because we know so little about BIID I might hurt the kids because I think being disabled is better than able-bodied … You see where this could lead? My own husband told me these things and that he would use it. On the other hand, would I prove that I am a person with disability, the question of discrimination would come to play a part and he would quite likely lose. But I have no desire to ever get into any of this. It would be horrible for everybody.
Hubby thinks everything would be solved if we moved back to Europe. I wouldn’t be able to wheel there, I would be happy to live back in my home,… Yet my marriage would be still bad. My BIID wouldn’t go away but he doesn’t understand that. It might calm down for a bit but then… For the past two months my BIID is at 2 or so. Almost non-existent on some level. But precisely its almost non-existence confirms to me how deep it is. Because I still wheel. I still need to wheel.

Is there any proof you have BIID other than your word against his, or do you have anyone who can support you with this? (this would actually be a good reason to find a therapist- if you have a professional saying “Yes, this person has BIID, but she is completely functional” then people are more likely to listen)

Has a doctor agreed that your wheeling helps you with your health problems? No one can really say that you shouldn’t be allowed to wheel if you have a medical reason to.

Oh, Elisabeth. I am so sorry. I’ve been down a road similar to this. While you tell yourself you aren’t really feeling the abuse, you are. Trust me, your body and your soul know.

I’m Catholic also, although I wasn’t raised one. The parish I belong to is emphasizing the role of the good Catholic husband and it has nothing to do with imprisoning your wife or taking away her children.

For too long, the old dogmas were adhered to – dogma that has little to do with the teachings of Jesus but more about the writings of Paul. I won’t get into it here.

I hope it helps to know that we support you.

There can be no love where there is fear. I found that out a long time ago.

Elisabeth, you deserve a happy, healthy relationship with a man.

Here’s a quote from the band Farpoint: Where there’s no love, there’s no reality.

“Separation is. When husband found out about my BIID, he said he could have our marriage annulled because I didn’t disclose my mental illness at the time of the wedding. Right, a mental illness that I even didn’t know I had.”

I’m guessing that a string of expletives and blasphemy would offend you…

Nope, I’ve looked at this for 10 minutes now and I can’t think of any way to express what I’m feeling without saying something unsuitable for prime-time television…

What happened to for better and worse? Thick and thin? In sickness and in health?

This man seems to take aspects of religion (and of being a decent bloke, religious or otherwise) to suit only what he wants.

That fourth option your husband desires is far more a fantasy than your life as a disabled person.

I agree with others re: medical bods. If you can have a doctor put in writing that you benefit from wheeling, it will pretty much remove any weight from his argument, SHOULD you end up separating.

(I’m getting really nosey now, feel free to ignore this last question… If you were to separate, what is your stance on then having relationships with others? I can take a guess but one should never assume…)

I have nothing to add on the religion side of this discussion but I would like to raise a particular suggestion which may actually work for you.

We all know the reasons why we wheel or do what we do. But, can I suggest, with your husband in particular Elizabeth, rather than telling him that the reason you wheel is because of back pain or BIID, tell him you do it because it turns you on. This reason is a lot more simple and probably more easily accepted by most people who understand kinks and fetishes.

Please don’t be offended by my suggestion. I only say it because it may help you get what you want (to be able to wheel) but your husband will believe it is for a different reason, and to him, perhaps a more acceptable reason. Heck, he may even find his sexual relations with you improve because you are able to do the thing which “turns you on so much”.

Yes, it is dishonest, because, as you have explained before, the reason you wheel is not because it turns you on, or is your fetish. But, if you weigh both things up, is a fib like this worth doing, if it gets you what you want (wheeling) and you get to stay in your relationship?

Spike, do you really think that a “sexual fetish” would be a more palatable reason to a deeply Catholic person??? I don’t.

I also have a problem with saying that we use wheelchairs for sexual reasons. I’ve been fighting so hard to get people to stop thinking of BIID as a sexual fetish. It was called apotemnophilia before BIID got the current label. A “philia”, a sexual fetish. And it has NOTHING to do with sexual kinks for the majority of people.

Let’s steer right clear of that one, shall we?

Spike, I have to agree with Sean. One, it has nothing to do with sex for me, second, I never lie about BIID and reasons for wheeling, third, if hubby can’t accept rather rational reasons like health reasons, I don’t think he would go for the fetish reason plus it would mean that I would need to be turn on for him, doesn’t it?
But thanks for trying.

Dear Elisabeth,

if you were free of your husband, maybe your BIID would become less intense?
I don’t know your feelings, but my impression is that you don’t love him anymore, maybe you don’t even like him.
Or has he stopped to love you?

Now you seem to stand/sit/wheel in front of the same problem like more than half of all married couples.

Can you find an arrangement where you stay together to offer your children a good home and each of you goes her/his own ways?

Well, these are questions which have nothing to do with BIID. If it weren’t BIID, there would be another problem, no?

To prove that you are not mad would be good, I second that. You could ask Michael First or another psychiatrist or psychologist to make the usual tests with you and give you the results which you can then show to your husband.

I have grown up as a roman catholic and now I am “old catholic” (http://www.alt-katholisch.de/about-the-old-catholics.html), “old” only in the sense of the old, not distorted church. But I don’t believe that “catholic” or “protestant” can be the name of a real belief, only of a more or less pseudo-logical and semi-legal system. Spirituality knows no institutions. The spirit blows where he wants.

Catholicism is often a shield against life and a list of dogmas (= prejudices). And it is so full of hypocrisy.

And you are open about your BIID, you want to be honest, there will come a conflict with the natural hypocrisy of the church, I guess.

Okay, that was a bit much from me, and it has not much to do with transabled-ness… Sorry. :-)

@Phil:
My BIID has been at 2/10 for the last two months.
I fully agree that BIID is only a part of my marital problems. Already before I started wheeling, hubby and I lived our separate ways. I don’t have much problem with it apart from the mental abuse. That is hard. I also don’t know if hubby will snap at some point.

I won’t go into a religious discussion because me being a Catholic is my choice and I realise the pluses and minuses of being a part of this very imperfect church.

I have heard quite a few people suggesting to go to a shrink and I am looking into finding one.

Thank you all for your support and the challenge to be more frank about my marital relationship. :-)

“I also don’t know if hubby will snap at some point.”

What do you mean when you say that? You don’t think he could do anything that would physically harm you, do you?

Have talked to him about his seeing a therapist as well as you? To try to help him deal with the pain/stress/whatever “caused” by your “unwillingness” to “fix” your “problem”.

In my experience Psycs/Counsellors suggest a session where you bring family members along for them to discuss their part in the problem.

@Z: My hubby is a passive aggressive type, I’m afraid. Now that should explain a lot – he will keep things to himself and then explode. So far only dishes, walls and doors suffered but I couldn’t guarantee anything.
When I suggested therapy for him, he had a fit:”So it’s my fault, right?” He considers his attitude just fine because he is right. I have to change, not him. At least when it comes to my BIID, it’s all my fault. He did say once that perhaps if he was the good hubby, I would not have this need for attention. It’s hard to figure him out as on one hand everything is my fault, on the other he is doing some kind of penance for the years he was not treating me well. Telling him that I don’t want his penance but that I want his trust doesn’t work. Even his (not mine) priest told me that hubby has a big need to control and doing his penance faithfully makes him feel in control of at least that area. Right and I need a shrink!

@Elisabeth: What you say gives me knots in my stomach. It has been a long time, but I’ve witnessed the fists through the wall, the plates in pieces on the floor, the unpredictable explosions. Unfortunately such people tend to be extremely resistant to therapy despite their great need. I was twice successful in getting my former partner to couples therapy. However, in each case she accused the therapist of taking my side and being part of a conspiracy against her.

Hugs,

~ Chloe

I’m still classed as being in the naive little girl category and even I know that is a very bad dangerous abusive situation. I’m sorry but being catholic is no excuse for your husband to treat you this way and God never intended marriage to serve that purpose.

A natural part of the aging process is the gradual loosening of inhibitions. So for a person who is violent, as shown by breaking things, it is a *very* short step to hurting people. There is *no* “snap” required. The risk you run, is that some day, maybe he’ll be extra tired, or feeling under the weather, and he won’t be able to stop himself from just lashing out in frustration at whatever or whoever is there. If you’re there when that happens, then you’ve made the mistake of staying too long around someone who behaves as a caged wild animal.

The other side of the coin is that sooner or later, people stop caring about everything as much and they’re not as bothered by everything anymore.

It’s a gamble as to which happens first: he stops being bothered or he stops being able to control his violence.

I am very scared for you. People with disabilities are statistically much more abused by their family than usual. If your guy feels you’re not on his team, or you are somehow “other” for whatever reason, then he’s vulnerable on a visceral level to attacking you. I’m afraid about when his inner animal will emerge in a bad way.

This discussion stirs some feelings in me which are hard to verbalise. Nobody made some good points there.

It took a decade for things to progress from objects being smashed to the kitchen knife being held to my abdomen. When that first happened it was a substantial, and unforgettable, psychological shock. I had not anticipated that things could escalate to that kind of physical threat. What more would it have taken for that knife to have been thrust into my flesh? I don’t know the answer. It never happened. Eventually I knew that I was dying inside and I had to leave no matter what the cost.

Nobody is right about the other side of the coin too. It took more than another decade, but I now have a good friendship with this person and a great deal of compassion for her.

Elisabeth, there is no easy solution here. Anybody who thinks so simply hasn’t been there. It took me thirteen years to leave. You are the only person who can judge what you need to do. One of the specialties of my closest psychotherapist friend is domestic abuse situations. I have been regailed with enough horror stories to be concerned about you, Elisabeth. Please be careful.

Hugs,

~ Chloe

Elisabeth, I have been in a situation much as you describe. My ex-husband was passive-aggressive with occasional bursts of violence. The violence escalated over the years and yes, he was physically abusive to me. It took me ten years to leave. I got a civil divorce and will get an annulment as soon as I can afford one. I’m sure you realize it doesn’t make your children illegitimate.

In the meantime, in case he does go off the deep end, do you have an escape plan in place? I kept a suitcase in my car for years, packed with everything I needed to just get in the car and never look back.

Be strong. Be safe.