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Damian’s Introduction
Written by Damian on Sunday, January 25, 2009
This is my first post to transabled.org. Sean has been mildly suggesting (over and over and over) that I should post, and I finally decided the time was right. I am a BIID sufferer who needs to become an amputee.
Ok, I am sitting here at my computer wondering what to write. I am a technical person, so writing about feelings, and personal stuff does not come easy.
I can say exactly where I want my left leg removed (mid-thigh). Now, I know that most people find that BIID is set in stone, and what we need never changes. But there was a period of a year or two, where the location had shifted to below the knee. One person I talk with, suggested that it may have been my brain trying to change my feelings to something less challenging (that is the best word I can find at the moment). At first I thought the opposite was true, and that the below knee was what I really needed instead of the above knee. But the feelings for the removal of my left leg above the knee never disappeared completely. But eventually the need to lose my leg above the knee came back to full strength and the need for below the knee disappeared.
But I do not think I would turn down an offer to become a left below knee amputee. The way I look at it if I did lose my leg below the knee, there would be two possible outcomes. One, it could be better for me than having two full legs. Or, two, it would be no worse than things are now. But the true need is to lose my leg above the knee.
Dealing with BIID is a problem for me. It can get in the way of my daily life, although I can seem to manage it well enough for now. I read on here about many people who pretend. I cannot pretend. I am too scared of doing it in public, and even at home, I do not have to opportunity to pretend.
I find my BIID can be triggered by stress, and trust me there are times when the stress is bad, and can last for months. I am sure at least one other author here can relate, and can probably guess what my “job” is. The stress is bad in November, December, March and April. Those are the critical times that I really have to focus on things, and put all my energy into “work” related activities, but because of the stress, this is also when I can focus the least, and BIID takes up a lot of my mental capacity.
Well, I think that is it for now or else I will not have anything left to post at a later time.
Tags: Amputee, BIID, Pretend, Stress
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5 Comments
Welcome aboard, Damian. The advantage of your technical mind is that you describe what’s happening inside you with great precision, so that many of us will say, “Why, that’s me exactly.” I hope it will help to know that you are not by any means alone.
Thank you for telling us about yourself, Damian; I look forward to more.
You bring up two very interesting points about your leg that I would like to take up. First the idea of BIID mutability, and second the idea of surrogate disability. These issues seem related but are nevertheless different. I’ll throw in my own experience.
There was a time when my BIID seemed to be about something different from paraplegia. My memory is a bit vague about this, but I think it was about twelve years ago and I think it lasted for about three years. During this time my feelings about paraplegia took second place to a desire to have a double hip disarticulation. The change was gradual, over a period of months, as was the change back to paraplegia. At that time, in order to reduce my anxiety levels sufficiently to go to sleep, I would imagine that I had the hip disarticulations every night. I can’t think of any psychological triggers at all that could have brought about the change, or the change back. My only guess at this point is that my brain was somehow making sure that paraplegia was really “it”. Maybe others have better insights into this kind of thing.
Regarding surrogate disability, I say that I want T10-T12. However, if it was L1 I believe I would be perfectly happy with that. Likewise if it was T9 I believe I would have no complaints. The big question is how happy would I be with double disarticulation. I have to honestly say that I simply don’t know. I’m unlikely ever to find out.
I once watched a television program about a girl who in order to live had to have a large portion of her brain removed. After the surgery, whe was completely helpless, back to the level of a newborn infant, her mother had to teach her to do things over again. She did recover amazingly well, at least physically. Apparently, as a child’s brain matures, different areas of the brain start to take over function from other areas. This was the explanation as to how the patient was able to function so well physically. Perhaps this was the case, Chloe, at the time you experienced the change.
Hi Damien. I too only recently ‘found my voice’ and it was tough putting pen to paper, or hands to keyboard. Doing so helps me get my thoughts and feelings into some kind of order, from the chaos of before. I hope to hear more from you soon.
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1 On 25 January, 2009, Ada said:
Welcome Damian!! :)