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Home / Thoughts / Other's Thoughts / Claire's Thoughts / Window to another world

Window to another world

Written by Claire on Monday, May 12, 2008

My wheelchair opens a window to another world.  In that world, things are as they should be.  I’ve dreamed about going there; obsessed about living there.  That world was made for me; it’s where I’m supposed to be.  It’s the real world. Here, in my dream world where I live, things are off-kilter, distorted. It’s constantly spinning around my head and the dizziness sometimes drives me mad.  When I look through the window at the real world, and fix my gaze upon a clear objective, the spinning stops and my world rights itself for a time.

But my chair can’t open a door to the real world.  Just a window.  I can peer through, but I can’t really enter.  I can only look on at this world, and marvel at  all the new discoveries that I see.  But I’ll forever be shut out.

My own body prevents me from entering.  It’s wrong, and uncooperative.  It doesn’t work the way it’s supposed to, and in its brokenness, it can’t enter the real world. Or…wait…is it my body that’s broken, or my mind?  Sometimes I’m not sure.  It’s hard to tell.  But the mind is part of the body, isnt’ it?  A broken mind should count then, shouldn’t it?  It’s confusing.

I might be able to enter the real world anyway, despite my brokenness, if those that live there would extend their welcome.  But the inhabitants of the world won’t let me in.  Oh…some few friendly souls beckon me to enter.  But behind them stands an army blocking the way.  Some shout and shake their fists at me.  Some merely look on in disgust.  Others studiously ignore me.

Well, okay, to be perfectly honest, sometimes I do sneak in unawares through the window.  They don’t notice and they don’t recognize me, but I have to be careful, and I can’t stay long. My body’s still broken, even in the real world.  It’s only through subterfuge that I’m able to stay at all.  But while I’m there, I feel good, and right. Well, almost right.  If I declared who I really am, and allowed them to truly know me, they would reject me, and close that border forever. I need to go to the real world sometimes, even if it’s undercover, because this dream world drives me crazy.  Then I go home to the world where I live and things start spinning again.

It’s kind of pathetic because despite the fact that I know that they would reject the real me, I still want the friendship of the citizens of the real world.  Maybe it’s because I believe that if they truly understood me, if they could see how my body’s broken too, they would welcome me and let me in, every last one of them.

But understanding is hard, because they’re looking on in my world, wanting in, thinking it’s the real one. I would let them in if I could, but for some reason, that window only works for me.

Tags: BIID, Disability, disabled, transability, Transabled, Wheelchair, wheeler, Wheeling