Blog > Thoughts > Other's Thoughts > Chloe's Thoughts > Winter Cometh
Winter Cometh
Written by Chloe on Friday, October 30, 2009
I’m not having a good day… There was snow on the car this morning (Oct 27), the first of the season. It’s not unusual; pretty close to the average date of first snow in fact. No, I’m not intending a post about climatology.
I woke up with a fibromyalgia episode clearly starting in my left shoulder. It rapidly worked it’s way down the left side of my body and down my left arm. A couple of years ago I would definitely have been using a shoulder immobilising sling at work. But I’m in a wheelchair. I don’t see how I can have my arm in a sling any more; I just have to put up with the pain.
The drive to work wasn’t fun. It snowed all the way. It’s a very grey and gloomy day. Seasonal Affective Disorder does not hit me hard, but it does hit me. It does make a difference.
The car heater is broken; but I don’t have the money to fix it. It’s not super cold today. The outside car thermometer said 37F when I left the house and 33F when I arrived at work. My work is 750 ft higher in elevation than where I live. It’s usually a bit colder up here. Everything outside my office window is white, and the snow is coming down hard.
You know that feeling when you’re not actually depressed, but you know that you’re right on the edge and it wouldn’t take much to send you crashing? My anxiety levels shoot way high when that happens. Prozac does a lot to protect me from depression, but it doesn’t make me immune.
I started thinking about how much I miss friends who have moved out of state recently. I started thinking about driving off the freeway into the concrete barrier; not to become paraplegic, but to die. No, I’m not suicidal. But sometimes I think that life would be easier if I was dead (ha ha!).
I stopped at the bank on the way in to work. Ah, the joys of transferring to one’s wheelchair in the snow! As I was getting the wheelchair frame out of the car I realised that my back pain was significantly greater than it has been in recent months.
The ramp up to the bank is somewhat long and steep. The wheelchair rims were cold. I keep the Quickie GPV in the car overnight during the week, and use the old clunker in the house. Going up the ramp was damp, chilly and painful. I started feeling sorry for myself. Don’t be silly! You asked for this. Now you’ve got it.
As I was going in the front doors at work, someone waiting in the lobby area got up to open the door for me. He arrived just as I was halfway through. I had to stop dead and wait for him to get out of the way while I continued to hold the door open with my left hand. I know he meant well, but it was annoying.
My office was sufficiently cold that I kept my overcoat on. The thermometer says it’s 15F degrees colder than what the thermostat is set at. Wonderful!
I had my weekly phone call from the psychotherapist where my family member is in a locked treatment facility. The news wasn’t great. I didn’t have much to contribute.
On the way to the cafeteria I stopped in the restroom to wash my hands. I noticed that I was dressed entirely in black. I hadn’t done it consciously, but it seemed appropriate to my mood. Even my overcoat is black.
Wheeling on the carpet to the cafeteria wasn’t much fun. Reaching for a knife and a package of salt with my left hand was even less fun. I suppose I could have asked for help but I didn’t. People have given me funny looks in the past when I’ve asked them for help reaching things that look easily within my reach. The issue with my arms is far from obvious to others.
As I wheeled back to my office I was thinking that I wouldn’t swap any of this. I wouldn’t go back to not using a wheelchair. I asked for this; and I’ve got it. I understand that there is more to life than sunshine and rainbows.
I feel better for writing this. Thank you for listening. The sun is indeed beginning to peek through the clouds.
Tags: Anxiety, Depression, Pain, Paraplegic, Prozac, Wheelchair
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2 Comments
Hi Peter,
A year ago my only wheelchair had smooth hard rubber tires. It was a huge problem trying to get uphill on icy parking lots.
In December I acquired my second wheelchair, with general purpose pneumatic tires. It was a great improvement for getting around on snow and ice. If the snow was too deep for the casters, I found that popping them up and leapfrogging worked reasonably well. I would guess that the relatively smooth high pressure pneumatic tires could be a problem in winter.
Last ski season I crossed paths with a sitskier several times. His wheelchair had snow tires, enabling him to get uphill from the cafe through the snow to the ski racks. I dearly wanted to ask him about those tires, but since I was not in a wheelchair myself I couldn’t think of a good conversation opener.
Last winter my outdoor wheeling comprised only getting to grocery stores, restaurants, etc. Now that I’m wheeling to work every day, I expect I shall have to contend with some nasty conditions in due course.
It will be fun to compare notes at the end of the season. Good luck!
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1 On 9 November, 2009, Peter said:
Sorry to hear about your bad day Chloe.
I was going to ask you about snow. This will be my first winter here and my first winter on wheels. I didn’t think it would be possible to wheel. Do you have snow tires?
Peter