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Warning! Wheelchairs Can Make You Heterosexual
Written by Chloe on Sunday, December 7, 2008
My wheelchair did not come with many warning labels (except that it could catch fire). A lot of the psychological changes resulting from wheelchair use took me by surprise. Sexual orientation was one of them.
I started having crushes on boys when I was about ten years old. This lasted throughout my teenage years, with the exception of a short lived crush on a girl when I was thirteen. I couldn’t do anything about these feelings because of severe social anxiety disorder, and I felt like a social outcast.
I started dating when I was twenty two; both men and women. My only long term (>year) relationship in my early twenties was with a man. I think it bothered him that I didn’t have a functional vagina. I even tried dating gay men, thinking the vagina wouldn’t be an issue. That didn’t work out well at all. They weren’t exactly turned on by the boobs and periods; ha ha! I have only dated women after I was twenty five. Since then I have thought of myself as being exclusively lesbian; until…
In July 2008 along came a wheelchair. A lot of things changed, most of them related to BIID. Quite soon after starting regular wheelchair use I found myself having sexual fantasies about men. It’s not that I didn’t have such fantasies before. However, post-wheelchair, 100% of my sexual fantasies are about men (meaning me having sex with them, in case that wasn’t clear). I have not in any way lost attraction towards my partner, who is an extremely femme woman. The man thing is an add on. So, no the wheelchair didn’t make me heterosexual; but it did make me bisexual again. Who knew this could happen? No warning label!
How do I know this has anything at all to do with the wheelchair? Well, in 100% of my sexual fantasies I am in a wheelchair; or have transferred from the wheelchair to the bed. Some of the time I am in my current BIID state, but more often in my fantasies I am already paraplegic. It seems to me that after I do become paraplegic I will start having an intense desire to have sex with men.
I don’t think any of this means that there is a sexual component to my BIID. When my partner and I make love I am always in paraplegic mode. This is neither a turn on nor a turn off for either of us. It is simply the normal state of affairs. Since my mind tells me that it is "normal" for me to be paraplegic, that is how I am comfortable engaging in sexual activity.
There is another side to the coin. When I am in a wheelchair I get a lot more attention from men. I’m not talking about the holding the door open because I am disabled kind of stuff. I mean that they want to talk with me, chat me up, and clearly express a sexual interest. It’s not that this never happened before, but it was not frequent. Maybe I give out "lesbo vibes" when I’m not in a wheelchair. I don’t think so though since I am quite femme; and I wear a wedding ring in or out of the chair.
So why is it that men clearly find me more attractive when I am in a wheelchair? I can think of three explanations. Firstly, I find myself more attractive when I am in a wheelchair (as I have explained in "My Aunt"). Other people pick up on this kind of stuff and see you the way you see yourself. Secondly, I feel more authentic and self confident when I am in a wheelchair. This is also attractive to people. Finally, my sexual orientation is different when I am in a wheelchair. Hmm, that last statement still sounds completely ridiculous to me, even though it is true. Yes, I am more open to men when I am in a wheelchair.
How is it even remotely possible that a wheelchair can change one’s sexual orientation? It seems like nonsense. Well, I have previously written about how a wheelchair makes me feel more feminine. I suppose that being attractive to men makes me feel more feminine too. But so what? If the wheelchair is already making me feel more feminine, one would think I would have LESS need to feel that by being attractive to men. I haven’t been able to make sense of this yet. It seems to defy logic.
Final question: What do I do about all this? My partner and I have a committed relationship, but it is an open relationship. I have not yet availed myself of the option of having sex outside the relationship. My partner is encouraging me to find a man. It all seems very weird. There are several issues. For starters I have very low sexual desire, so I don’t have a lot of motivation. I am also scared about having sex with men. It’s probably not going to happen. After more than twenty five years I’ve kind of forgotten what it’s like to be with a man. I’m actually still very insecure about whether I would really be attractive to a man anyway. Then there’s the other thing… which is… well… umm… I’m a virgin.
Tags: BIID, Paraplegic, Sex, Wheelchair
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9 Comments
Chloe, I can relate to a lot of what you write. Although I haven’t eperienced a change in my sexual orientation. For me the deal seems to be either I’m asexual and AB, either I’m gay and disabled (and i enjoy sex). I too feel much more self confident as a disabled and I like myself a lot more as such – this is doubtlessly a better ground for satisfactory sex, I suppose.
About men being somewhat different with a disabled partner, definitely yes! In my expeience, I found they made more room for the person I am (as opposed to a sex object), more talking, more kindness, and less need fo sexual performance as such.
And I’d like to add something about “I am perhaps perceived as being “easy” when I am in a wheelchair” Actually, ther is a lot of pressure on men (and women as well, although to a lesser extent, i think) to perform according to high standards: men have to be strong, potent, they are not allowed weakness, that kind of stuff. With a disabled partner, they don’t feel compelled to abide by these standards any more, which opens a space for a different way of interacting with less at stake. I have experienced this a number of times with guys who visibly felt more relaxed and opened because I had a disability. The disability meant there was no need to perform, it acted like an invitation to just be what they wanted to be.
Does this make sense?
4 On 7 December, 2008, Sean said:
Yes Tom, it makes sense. But it’s interesting that we think that there is less expectation around people with disabilities. It’s like society has mixed messages. Society expects less of people with disabilities, while at the same time, people with disabilities have to always hyper-achieve to get anywhere. It’s a difficult topic, this. :)
Yes, Sean, this is quite right. Isn’t the over achievement thing due to the fact that it takes a lot more doing for the disabled to get where the others get without so much efforts? And the extra efforts the disabled have to put in are seldom recognized… but this is inherent to the condition of the disabled, isn’t it? This is why there are disability benefits in some countries.
Sean, with regard to what I wrote about the AB feeling less compelled to perform according to high standards when confronted to the disabled in intimate or personal kind of interaction, do you think this is a just a matter of lower expectation towards the disabled?
In my mind, it was more like the disabled are not expected to abide by standards the others have to live by (and don’t necessarily feel comfortable with). The disabled are somehow discharged, a little like foreigners in Japan are not expected to abide by the extreme social constraints the Japanese have to live with (and many of them suffer from such rigid constraints and are drawn to foreigners to find some relief)
Chloe thank you for another interesting post.I don’t think the wheelchair alone can change orientation:) So much of all this defies logic, right? Where is the logic in being AB and needing not to be? So, attracted to men? Attracted to women? Neither or both, I say just go with it and try and enjoy yourself! :)
Tom, maybe those guys are more relaxed and open, NOT because of a perceived disability, but simply because YOU are more relaxed and open when you are pretending. Maybe?
As for me, I feel a serenity when I’m using my wheelchair that I do not feel otherwise. I think comfort with ourselves reads to people we interact with.
WOW, this is something more i was never even able to think i would speak out loud. but yes chloé, i do know what you mean. it is not that in the wheelchair i turn out being attracted to women, but being even more sexually active or stimulated, still in my heterosexual orientation. so this is it: as i do feel absolutely at home, sittin there and “feeling paralysed” i can fully allow my body’s desires. thanks again for helping me out with another unconcious question i had :-)
8 On 9 December, 2008, Sean said:
Hullo Kata,
I’m glad to see you posting here :)
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1 On 7 December, 2008, Chloe said:
Thank you, Dante and Beth, for explaining elsewhere another possibilty regarding why I now seem to be more attractive to men. I am perhaps perceived as being “easy” when I am in a wheelchair.