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Visit with my GP
Written by Chloe on Tuesday, October 21, 2008
I saw my GP today because I had been getting depressed. She knew nothing of my BIID beforehand. My default mode of locomotion is in the wheelchair, so that’s how I went.
My partner pointed out my depression to me before I was ready to admit it to myself. There had been signs of it for a while. What sticks in my mind was when I spilt a glass of milk on the kitchen counter a few weeks ago. I started bawling. Alright, I cry a lot anyway, but I usually have some kind of reason. Literally crying over spilt milk; give me a break! It just ain’t normal. More recently I’ve been bursting into tears for no apparent reason at all.
My partner convinced me that things were looking pretty serious, and that I should see my GP in case medication would be advisable. There is a connection between my depression and BIID, so I knew that I would have to tell my GP about this. I prefer to get around in a wheelchair anyway, and she would be bound to ask about it. This was pretty scary for me, but my partner came too. That made it much easier.
After wheeling into the waiting room, I signed in. I looked at my signature. It was all squiggly. My hands were shaking because I was so nervous about this.
The nurse came to get us. She said "The wheelchair is a new addition, isn’t it?" I was too busy figuring out that I needed to back into the examination room because there was not enough maneuvering space once inside, so I never did answer the question. The nurse took my pulse and blood pressure; both way high. Jeesh, I’m not surprised! I could feel my heart pounding away.
We were left alone for a bit, and then my GP came in. She said "First, tell me about the wheelchair". Without hesitating I said "I have Body Integrity Identity Disorder". Wow, I did it! I spoke the words. She said "That’s a new one on me". I proceeded to explain about it. I was pretty concise, since I wasn’t really there for BIID, but I got in all the salient features. She was extremely nice about it, and was in no way judgmental. She asked how long I have had it. I said "All my life". She expressed surprise at this, since I had never mentioned it to her before. I told her that it was pretty scary to tell people about this, and that I was nervous telling her about it right now. She said "Because people might think you’re…" "Crazy"; she had hesitated, and I filled in the blank for her. We both smiled. I elaborated "I’m not delusional or psychotic. I just think my legs aren’t supposed to work".
My GP asked me what the treatment was for this. I explained that a wheelchair was the best available treatment. She thought that was very reasonable. She said that she liked my wheelchair, and asked how long I’d had it. She expressed concern about me getting enough exercise. I told her that I still do a lot of hiking. She was really surprised at this. She asked me if I didn’t think about it (needing to be in a wheelchair) when I go hiking. I said "No, I think about it all the time. It feels pretty weird to be hiking, but I do it anyway".
I explained to my GP about how fibromyalgia pain was being exacerbated because of how I treat my BIID, that the pain was negatively impacting my ability to use the wheelchair, and that I was very upset about this. I told her that this seemed to be the primary factor, among several, that was triggering depression. She said that there is an association between fibromyalgia and depression in any case.
My GP gave me the little depression quiz. "How often, if at all, do you think about suicide?". "Every day". (Shit!). It’s not that I have a plan. It’s not that I’m going to do it. But, yeah I think about it, and mull over the different methods, every day. She added up my score and said "You have profound depression". SHIT! It was the word "profound" that got to me. I’m so good at being in denial about things. I’m not in denial about it now.
My GP wrote me a prescription for fluoxetine (Prozac). She put me back on clonazepam too, since my anxiety levels are also very high. Sometimes I can’t believe how messed up I get. It annoys me. I get pissed off at myself for being so messed up. I popped my first Prozac just before writing this. I read the information sheet. It is also used to treat OCD. My OCD doesn’t bother me. I’ve been doing irrational OCD driven things for so long that I hardly notice it. Other people notice it though. My partner will be happy if my OCD behaviours decrease. I’m wondering if it might reduce the obsessive component of BIID too. That would be nice. I know that dealing with depression takes psychological work as well. I am optimistic about it.
The nicest thing about my GP visit was that at no time during our discourse did she hint that my wheelchair use was in any way inappropriate. She seemed to think that I was handling BIID in a very sensible manner.
Tags: Anxiety, BIID, Body Integrity Identity Disorder, Depression, Pain, Wheelchair
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9 Comments
2 On 21 October, 2008, Sean said:
I’m very glad that the visit went well. It’s important to have your GP’s support. Even if they can’t actually do anything concrete to help, just knowing they are aware is helpful.
Chloe, you’re very lucky to have such a supportive GP. And you were very brave to tell her.
4 On 21 October, 2008, Claire said:
Good thing you’re such a prolific writer, Chloe, because I never wrote about my visit to the GP (I think). Mine was quite similar, although I didn’t take my chair, and I “told” her by handing her a letter from Ramachandran and McGeoch who are doing the BIID study. They were very kind to provide the letter for me. It explained briefly what BIID and then went on to say that they believe that BIID is a neurological disorder. That helped! My GP has been very cool.
Claire, I am very glad that you also have an understanding GP.
Everyone, any courage that I have found for doing these things has been massively dependent on reading about how courageous you all are in dealing with BIID. I owe you all a huge debt of gratitude.
I am so glad you had a positive experience with your doctor and thank you so much for sharing your experience.
Thanks for sharing!
I feel so encouraged to read stories like this – it gives me hope that one day we can change the prevailing attitude to BIID. (At the moment i’m being a coward, but i’m working my way up!).
And i LOVE Prozac! It wont be for everyone and i’m obviously not prescribing it, but it did wonders for me.
I hope things are going well for you Chloe :)
Today I saw my GP for a three week follow up. This time I wasn’t nervous at all. Generally I have found that the first time doing something in a wheelchair can be a bit to a lot scary. Then the second time it’s just the normal way you do things.
I made a point of thanking my GP for being so understanding about why I am in a wheelchair. She indicated that she understood that I have a neurological condition, that I’m not pretending, and that I have a genuine need to be in a wheelchair. WOW!!!
I’m lucky to have such a great GP. But I think it’s also important in telling people about this to be both self confident and unashamed of who you are.
The depression has fluctuated somewhat over the last three weeks. It’s just slightly better now. My GP doubled the dose of both Prozac and clonazepam.
9 On 4 November, 2008, Sean said:
Glad to hear you have such an enlightened GP.
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1 On 21 October, 2008, Sophie said:
WoW ur so much braver than I am Chloe, I am glad you have a GP that you feel you can trust. It will be interesting to see how the medication affects your BIID, I know others in the past have complained that OCD meds don’t work and I know antidepressants didn’t work for me (when I remembered to take them!)