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Using BIID to Treat Depression
Written by Chloe on Tuesday, January 17, 2012
I entered a major depressive episode on December 3rd 2011. I woke up in the morning and knew it immediately; the feelings are all too familiar. It was clear that I needed to go back on prozac at 60 mg per day without delay. What was not clear was that this had anything at all to do with BIID. It didn’t seem like it. It was not until I was skiing exactly a month later that the realisation hit me all of a sudden.
The statistics say that, if you have had one major depressive episode, the average number you are likely to have in your lifetime is five. The one that started on December 3rd was number five, and the most intense since episode three in 2004. Since the nature of my major depressive disorder seems to be pretty average, I am tempted to tell myself that this is the last one. The bad news is that the more depressive episodes one has, the more one is likely to get. If you have already had five, then the likelihood is that you will continue to have more. Shit!
It’s not surprising that I have major depressive disorder. There is known to be a significant genetic component to it. Both of my parents had it. My sister has it. One of my cousins killed herself.
Anecdotally there seems to be frequent co-morbidity between BIID and depression, though perhaps this is no more than an extra trigger for depression in those who are in any case susceptible. Perhaps there is more to it. We don’t really know. I do know that a lack of depressive symptoms makes it easier for me to deal with BIID. Consequently, a part of managing BIID is to manage depression.
Episode four appeared to be triggered by BIID in 2008, and was both the longest and the mildest of the five. It lasted around 17 months. I decided to go off prozac, without any problem at all, after 30 months. In all I had 20 months free of depression, including being free of significant dysthymia.
Episode five was triggered at the beginning of December 2011 by major wind damage to our house and Alicia’s suicide attempt; or so I had thought… Later, Alicia said she had begun to notice symptoms of depression in me a couple of weeks earlier. We often notice such things about each other with more sensitivity than our self awareness allows, so I had no reason to doubt her; and it seemed right. But I couldn’t figure out what might have happened in the middle of November to trigger it. Some people have major depressive episodes begin for no apparent reason at all, but that is not my pattern. Or maybe it is just random. Perhaps I just latch on to whatever is going on at the time and assume that is the trigger.
The next clue came three weeks into December after my first ski day of the season. We had record low precipitation in December, so I was only doing the free afternoon skiing, until the good stuff opens up. In any case my past experience led me to believe that I should get some relief from depression by skiing, if only temporarily. I didn’t; and the failure to meet my expectations only made matters worse. How could skiing not have helped with the depression? I had to wait another two weeks for these mysteries to be solved.
However, in the interests of chronology I shall describe the first way in which BIID has helped me get through this depressive episode. I learnt the lesson of talking to friends back in episode one. Over time I have become more and more open about these things. I know that friends can make a big difference. Well, here I am on this website where there’s a whole bunch of really nice really compassionate people that I like, many of whom have experience with depression. I couldn’t resist hijacking a thread to talk about my depression, even though I felt guilty about it since it wasn’t really about BIID. Or was it… After all, I wouldn’t be here without BIID (probably). So here is my BIID helping me with depression.
Thank you Gravity. Thank you Shadow. Thank you… Well I could make quite a long list. Some of you posted helpful comments. More than a few of you helped me via private communications. But I wouldn’t know any of you if I didn’t have BIID. For a month I felt like a worthless piece of shit; I wanted to curl up and fade into oblivion. You all helped me get through that.
The key turning point for episode five was January 3rd, when I went for my second afternoon of free skiing. A little more terrain was open, including a relatively easy black (advanced) area with a degree of difficulty of 7.0. I headed straight for it and made my first right turn on the moderately steep terrain. All the pieces of the puzzle fell into place within seconds…
The story of episode five begins with my last big hike of the year on Oct 24th, as I described in "Connections". The sequelae of that hike included the most intense muscle spasms that I have ever experienced. The downside is that you can’t sleep when that’s going on. The upside is the joy of inducing real effects from a minor spinal cord injury.
After that hike the snow level came down and it got cold, leaving easy foothill hiking as the option; not enough to cause major problems (aka benefits) with my left leg. Not much terrain was open on my first ski day, a few weeks later, due to lack of snow. The only terrain open for free skiing that day was green (beginner) runs. No fun doing anything but a schuss; also not taxing for my leg. Depression was really bad at this point; all that staring at walls…
But on January 3rd, on that first right turn, I experienced pure joy! My leg… All of a sudden I feel the disability and I know that the depression is going to lift. I knew that I liked exercising my left leg to the point of dysfunction. It feels right. I had not realised until that first turn just how critical this is for my psychological well being. Not only does this hiking and skiing have a very beneficial effect on my BIID by bringing the disability into reality, but by so doing it helps significantly with keeping depression at bay.
Once in a while it comes up as a surprise to people that Chloe does all this hiking and skiing. Why would she do such a thing if she thinks she’s supposed to be paraplegic? Isn’t that grossly inconsistent? It turns out that it is all part of my treatment for BIID, and consequently a key feature of maintaining my mental health. Skiing would not have such a positive effect on depression if I did not have BIID.
After skiing I called my friend who lives at the bottom of that canyon. I always call him if I’m in the vicinity and stop in for coffee and a chat if he’s home. When I got there he reminded me that it was the day of the national geographic documentary and he invited me to stay to watch it. This sounded like a good idea. I hadn’t been planning on it since we don’t have cable, but it seemed very comfortable to watch it with a friend.
I was relieved to watch it. I had been feeling quite anxious ahead of time. It was fun to watch it with a local and point out where all of the shots had been taken. Besides, his daughter was in the program. Umm, his actual daughter I mean; He also refers to me as his daughter, and I call him Dad. Why does it seem so complicated to explain my life to people…
I’m stuck… stuck between doing all I can for BIID with assistive devices and not having enough money for surgery. If I can’t move forward I start to feel bad. How then to move forward? After the show I realised I had taken another step forward, the step completely out of the closet. This feels good. It feels good for my BIID. It feels good for my mental health. You are only as sick as your secrets. Stepping out of the BIID closet was good for my depression.
After I returned home, Alicia and I had our anti-depressive therapy of watching an episode of Bill and Ben the Flowerpot Men. Not only do we talk to each other a great deal in Oddle Poddle these days, but we also started dancing together in the manner of Bill and Ben. Leg braces help a lot with getting the style right. Were it not for BIID I wouldn’t be wearing leg braces. Consequently BIID is helping me maximise the mental health benefits of Bill and Ben.
The next day I was at the cafeteria for lunch, sitting with a new patient who had just been transferred from the main hospital to the psychiatric unit. She had set herself on fire and jumped from a third story window. Alicia says I have a knack of making people feel emotionally safe around me. It’s probably because they are emotionally safe around me.
The patient and I had lunch together for the next several days. On day two I had her smiling. I paid a lot of attention to little details of her words and behaviour, reflecting them back with honesty in a positive way to enhance her self esteem. Some may see scars and bandages and assistive devices. I see a beautiful 19 year old with a lot of potential. I could see that I was helping her. By helping her I help myself, my own self esteem, my own depression.
Why was that about BIID? Well, I am convinced that being in a wheelchair makes it easier for strangers to talk to me about their psychological issues. This pleases me and improves my depression.
No, I’m not out of the woods yet. I am still having some bad moments with depression. But it is in the process of morphing into dysthymia, and I am optimistic about leaving that behind too.
Depression is so horrible that it is worth throwing everything you’ve got at it. I realise that BIID is one of those weapons in my armory that I can use to combat depression.
Tags: Closet, Depression, Dysthymia, Flowerpot Men, People, Skiing, Suicide
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22 Comments
OMG! You’re going to make me cry… wait, I am crying, at work, in front of my co-workers. My heart goes out to our unnamed friend. I know what it’s like being suicidal.
Thank you Chloe for being there when it mattered there for someone when it mattered the most. I hope she has a speedy recovery. Take care of yourself too, it must be hard on you. We’re all here for both of you if you need us.
It’s late, so I will just say what I am thinking most.
Chloe, you are an angel.
I was at school when I first saw this, and only the infernal slowness of typing on a phone touchscreen prevented me from composing a reply. But Gravity has summed it up better than I could ever have…you are an angel.
I really hope your friend is all right, and that she finds peace.
As Xavier said more eloquently, take care of yourself too. I’m glad you were helped by conversing with friends, and I hope that our email conversations, however infrequent they were, helped a little bit too. My spirits were always lifted whenever I saw an email from you in my inbox.
I found myself rereading your comment over and over, during school, and I couldn’t say why. Perhaps it’s because it was touching. Perhaps it’s because it was so heartfelt. Either way, thank you. You’re the best.
Chloe, thank you so much for saving this person’s life.
To the person in distress – we care about you. My prayers are with you.
Chloe – Remember that you and Alicia have done this. You have saved a life. You are heroes.
Please pass on my love to this person, let her know that though I may never have spoken with her, she is vital and important and I am one of many who is glad she contacted you and Alicia when she was in trouble.
Take some time now to recover and look after yourselves. And never forget how important you are.
I’m not certain what BIID is. But I know that sometimes I do use it to flee from other problems, from certain situations and feelings. I use fantasies.
BIID forces me to think about myself, to feel very special feelings which are mine and for most others strange.
In times where I feel my whole self more often and more intensely and in a more relaxed way, BIID often is not so strong. When I allow myself to have other feelings, other desires…
Maybe I haven’t learnt to take myself (my inner self) as serious as others, as things, as science, as “reason”?
Dear Chloe, I am lacking words to say anything about you and Alicia having saved a life.
Now really be as nice and caring to yourself as you are to others. You deserve it.
Be hugged.
I left a phone message for our friend the next day (Saturday). Later she left a text message that she had been with a psych evaluator when I’d called. That’s when the big emotional release came. I cried with great intensity for at least half an hour; several things going on. A lot of it was relief that she is okay and cogent. A big part of it was guilt. You may say I’m an angel and such, but that’s not how I feel about it. I let her down because I didn’t catch it ahead of time. I would like to do better than this. I went through her communications from the last few weeks and I did find something that might have clued me in to what was coming. Yes, it was subtle; but it was there. I needed to have responded more proactively to that. Next time I get a slight hint from a friend, I need to take it more seriously or my help could come too late. Don’t bother telling me it’s not my fault; I already know this. But I choose to take on the responsibility.
Our friend is still on suicide watch at the nuthouse (her word!). Alicia and I are both in daily contact; lots of mutual “I love you”.
It was an intense weekend. Also on Saturday a friend came over to spend the evening with us. He has been very depressed lately. He sat on the couch between myself and Alicia, with us both softly touching him. I wish I could project my physical presence to all friends in need. Somehow I feel that I can provide an emotionally protective shield like that.
At some point in the evening, conversation came up about his brother having been born with six digits on each hand. We discussed whether desiring to be rid of a digit in that case does or does not constitute BIID. Surgeons do not hesitate to perform such elective amputations of healthy body parts. That is NOT why ability reassignment surgery is not performed. It is all about conforming to physicians’ or society’s arbitrary standards of “normality”.
On Sunday I found I had a phone message from a friend of thirty years. She sounded rather depressed. I called her. At the end of the conversation she said “You are an angel. You are the only person I’ve been able to talk to about this.” Hmm…
The back story is that during my second major depressive episode, including substantial suicidal ideation, when I was 27 years old, this friend was the primary person who helped me out of it.
I’m trying to make a point. The original post was about one of the upsides of BIID. Depression also has an upside. It facilitates my intense empathy for others similarly afflicted.
I woke up in the middle of the night and cried for two hours. It was about the guilt, about my discomfort with being referred to as an angel, about taking responsibility for others, about redemption.
I have referred to some of my past contacts with people who were suicidal; but to my recollection I have left out some pertinent details.
My friend, who attempted suicide when we were 17, had asked me a couple of weeks earlier if I could get him some potassium cyanide to use in silver electroplating. This is a reasonable use, and it did not cross my mind that he might have other motives. I didn’t have any, but I knew how to make it in the garage at home. In his suicide note, addressed to me, he said that he had taken that cyanide I had made for him, that he had left me all of his money, and where I should go to find his dead body. I didn’t want his money; I wanted my friend. I wished I hadn’t made poison for him. I wished I could have been aware of signs that something was wrong. Urgh! This is making the tears stream down my face even though it was 40 years ago.
I have vague memories of my cousin from when I was 4 years old. She was about ten years older than me. After that she stayed in her room whenever we went to visit her parents. I think she had some combination of social anxiety disorder and depression. I think she was a bit like me. I didn’t see her again until I was 20; she came out of her room. By that time I had severe social anxiety disorder myself, and wasn’t exactly much of a conversationalist. The last time I saw her was when I visited from the USA in my mid twenties. Afterwards she wrote me a letter saying how much she had enjoyed my company. I never replied to that letter… Within a couple of years her parents died, she moved into an apartment by herself, and she committed suicide. I don’t think she had any friends. I wish I had known my cousin better. We probably had a lot in common. Perhaps I could have got to know her if I had given a shit. Even more tears from this one; that was 30 years ago.
Does this explain a bit better why these things are so emotional for me; why I like to have friends who are or have been suicidal; why I love my friends so intensely; why I am responsible for my friends,,,
@Shadow: Yes, your e-mails have helped. My heart leaps with delight when I see that I have one from you. I can’t wait to see what interesting things you have to say.
I am no longer depressed.
Dear Chloe,
from far far away it looks nearly simple: You do (much) more for others than for yourself.
And still it seems not enough – in your eyes only, not in the eyes of anybody else.
You are not RESPONSIBLE for others. Everything you do for them is a GIFT.
You don’t have to sense everything. Nobody can. An old doctor once said to me: We all carry a tail of a comet of guilt behind us; this is human life, we can’t avoid it.
There’s this simple and overstrained sentence in the Bible: “Love the one next to you as YOURSELF.”
Both, in a balance.
You are not guilty.
(But I assume somebody has taught you to feel guilty long ago.)
Angel or not: you are great.
The patient I mentioned in the post is back again today, after spending a few weeks in another facility. She and I were both bubbling over with the joy of seeing each other as she joined me at the lunch table. The bandages covering the burns on her face and head are gone now.
I dug a little deeper, both psychologically and in terms of her impairments. I gave her a lot of positive feedback regarding coping skills. As we parted after lunch, she gave me the most beautiful smile and said she hoped to see me again tomorrow.
Phil, this IS how I look after myself. My own mental health benefits enourmously from making myself available to others who are suffering.
But you are right; it is never enough. It is a passion. Is that not a good thing?
Thank you everyone for your sweet comments.
Dear Chloe, it IS a good thing, just that I got the feeling that you are too perfectionist in it. You seemed to feel guilty when not giving all, sensing all etc.
You are allowed to search your own happiness on the direct way, too.
Phil
Our BIID friend is out of the hospital and in frequent contact with Alicia and myself.
Chloe, I’m sorry if I caused you discomfort by calling you an angel. You’re not perfect, but nobody is. I would never expect you to be. You are better than many, maybe better than most. Not perfect, but very, very good. Your flaws make you.
You may feel you should have done something sooner, but the fact remains that you did act in time. And all things are possible with hindsight.
Glad to hear she is out of hospital.
I thank you, highly, Chloe.
Not only for the love you show me constantly, but also for calling the dispatch.
Its been a while since I’ve been here. But yes, I’m the one she was talking about and all. I’m fine with you guys knowing. You’re not judgmental.
I’ll ((hopefully)) be able to get the chair I want soon. It’ll not only help me psychologically, but it’ll also help alleviate pressure on my legs which would help with pain and wearing them out. Even sitting on them is enough to do so anymore.
Chloe – It isn’t your fault. A lot of it was impulsive – Even if I was feeling it for some time. Can’t be blaming yourself, even if it does feel as such sometimes.
@Rhayven: I’m glad you’re still with us (truly). For some reason I was thinking about you this weekend and wondering why we hadn’t heard from you recently. Now I guess we know… sorry to hear things got so difficult for you. Please take care of yourself.
No, we won’t judge you, thank you for the honesty. I’ve been there before… I think most of us have. Life can be very, very painful, especially for us. If it wasn’t for support group I’ve built up (including the people here), I wouldn’t be able to survive. If you ever need to talk, you’re welcome to contact me in private… just use “Note to author” on one of my posts. I check my email habitually.
@Rhayven: Though we’ve never interacted, I’ve read quite a few of your comments on this site. I’m also quite glad you’re still with us… thank you.
As Xavier said, thank you for the honesty, we won’t judge you. And if you ever need someone to talk to, we’re all here.
I’ll be sure to take you up on that Xavier :)
And thank you, as well, Shadow <3
You guys are amazing.
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1 On 21 January, 2012, Chloe said:
One of our number with BIID attempted suicide this morning. Fortunately she had contact information. Alicia kept her engaged with texting while I relayed all the pertinent information to emergency dispatch. The ambulance got there with impressive speed.
I called her cell phone after a few minutes and she was already in the ambulance and still conscious, though unable to move much. The last thing I said to her was “I love you very much”. I meant it. You are all my tribe, my family; I care about you all.
Alicia and I hugged each other and cried. Dispatch called me back to say that she had arrived at the hospital. I think she’s going to be okay. I was still crying on the way to work.
When I was severely depressed last month, one of you called me on the phone quite frequently. I generally didn’t feel like talking to people, but I picked up when I saw it was you. You always lifted my spirits; you made a difference. Thank you. And thank you for putting up with me constantly asking you to repeat stuff on account of my hearing loss!
My point is that this website allows us to help each other through difficult times; and we can get through it. If any of you feel you may have a need for my phone number, I will give it to you. I know what it’s like to feel suicidal, and I know what it’s like to attempt suicide. I will not be judging anyone. If you want to talk to me, I am here.