transabled.org

 

• About
• Login
• Contact
• Accessibility

Google Search:
Web transabled.org Go

 

Home / Thoughts / Other's Thoughts / Chloe's Thoughts / Unbreakable

Unbreakable

Written by Chloe on Thursday, July 23, 2009

My hands were still on the steering wheel; I was the right way up. Although there were holes in the windshield, none were in a spot through which I could see anything useful. The driver’s window was completely gone. I could see that cars were going by in the opposite direction, so that meant I was in the fast lane, parked facing oncoming traffic. After a while there was a shout from outside the car: "Are you okay?"

Extrication

I couldn’t see anybody, but the voice was coming from my right. The roof was dented down below eye level a few inches from my face. I leaned back as far as I could, and turned my head as far as I could. Still no line of sight. I tried scooting down in the seat a bit. Ouch! My skirt was up at hip level, and the bare flesh poking between my brace straps was scraping on a thousand shards of glass. Now I could see the guy through the non-existent passenger window.

Out of the corner of my eye I noticed that the rear door was gone. Then I noticed something else. Shit! MY CRUTCHES ARE MISSING!!! This was the first alarming thought I’d had about the crash. After that I had a massive feeling relief, because I knew that my wheelchairs were still at home. If I’d had a wheelchair in the car, it would have been totalled too. Ah, what a wonderful feeling, knowing that my wheelchairs were safe at home!

"Are you okay?" I focused back on the guy. Well, no I’m not okay; I don’t know where my crutches are. I didn’t say that. Am I okay? How does one know if one is okay? I looked at my right hand. Blood was dripping from the little finger. How am I supposed to know what else is bleeding? My left elbow was hurting. I looked, but didn’t see any blood dripping. There were little pains all over my body but nothing seemed significant. "Yeah, I’m okay." The guy gave me a funny stare, like I was telling a most outrageous lie.

Gradually people came around to talk to me from the driver’s side. The ambulance arrived. Paramedics were swarming. They asked how I was. I said I was fine. Apparently this was the wrong answer, because they proceeded to apply a neck brace and strap me to a back board.

A cop came. He asked what had happened. I told him I didn’t have a clue, that I didn’t remember the accident, that I didn’t even remember getting on the freeway. I asked him if anyone else was involved in the accident. He said no it was just me. He noted that I had my seatbelt on. He said that judging by the eyewitness reports I would almost certainly be dead otherwise.

Next I had to be extricated. This took a while. They decided that getting me out through the driver’s door was impossible. They contemplated doing some sawing (the car, not me). Then somebody had the idea that it would be possible to maneuver me through the passenger door; complicated but doable.

In the meantime my purse had been discovered in the middle of the freeway. It had been on the passenger seat, but I’d completely forgotten about it. I wondered what else was strewn on the freeway. Crutches perhaps?

They needed to swing my legs outside the door. That was the first time anybody asked about my braces. It was also the first time I was aware of not caring that all these people were seeing them, or that my skirt was probably still hiked up to my hips for that matter.

Ambulance

After the geometrically complicated extrication, I was being transferred to the ambulance. Someone asked me if there was anything else I needed. "Yes", I said, "I need my crutches!" They were found and were coming with me. That was a big relief.

Inside the ambulance an IV was started and the paramedic was asking me who was the president, what day of the week it was, etc. I got the date wrong, but then I usually do. I didn’t mind answering the questions; I didn’t feel at all sleepy. I was alert, but calm and relaxed. I knew they were concerned about by memory loss. My left ear hurt. I was wondering if that was where I’d hit my head. It seemed that people were surprised about my heart rate being normal.

Hospital

At the hospital I was treated like some big emergency case, and I was rushed to get CT scans of my head and neck. I told people I felt fine, and that I wasn’t feeling much pain. My biggest concern was all the uncomfortable shards of glass that were sticking into me. I kept fishing them out of my mouth. No obvious problems with the head or neck. No quadriplegia for me today. I pondered that age old conundrum: whether ’tis better to be able bodied or quadriplegic.

Next came the removal of leg braces. An explanation of my SCI with a good deal of exaggeration seemed to be completely satisfactory. The physician wanted to check my leg function versus my pre-accident function. He asked me to bend my right toes towards my head. I did it, and told him that was exactly the same as before. Then he asked me to do the same with my left toes. I tried. They didn’t move; not at all. (You gotta be kidding me!!!) The only thing that happened was that muscle spasms were triggered in my left thigh every time I tried. My adrenalin kicked in for the first time since the accident. (Think, Chloe! Think fast! You have to make sure that they don’t treat this). I said that was exactly the same as before too. I lied! How strange! I had faked paralysis in my right thigh; but now I was faking that the real paralysis in my left foot was normal.

Around this time the other concussion symptoms set in big time: massive headache, confusion, cognitive deficit. It was a good job I had got all the lying out of the way. I became pretty slow at understanding and answering questions. It’s possible that I have some of the details a little off for the rest of this, but I’m doing my best.

Next was X-rays of my entire torso; views of the spine from different directions. The most fun part was when they held my legs in frog’s leg position and appeared to focus the machine directly on my genitalia. It was all I could do to stop myself from laughing. What the hell were they looking for?!

I think the ultrasound of my internal organs came next. Everybody seemed convinced that I could not possibly have survived the accident as described by eyewitnesses, or emerged from a car that messed up, without sustaining substantial injuries. The only concern from the ultrasound was that my bladder was extremely full. I was surprised. It didn’t feel nearly as full as it would when I start thinking about going to pee. They asked if I would like to urinate. I said sure, but I explained why it would probably take half an hour. They asked if I’d like to be catheterised. (Would I?! No kidding! I’d LOVE it!). I said yes. First we had to remove my undies and incontinence pad. It is astonishing how much broken glass one can accumulate in one’s underwear! Frog leg position again. Eventually the nurse found the right hole with the catheter, and the pee came out.

Alicia

It was around this time that Alicia showed up. She was pretty freaked out. Somebody from the hospital had called and left a message saying I had been in a terrible car accident; yes, "terrible"! At this point neither the hospital staff, nor anybody else, had told me much about the accident. I expect they didn’t want to freak me out. Alicia concluded from the message both that I was dead, and that I had crashed deliberately. Well, let’s be honest: I have thoughts daily about being in a car crash that will leave me paraplegic. Alicia knows this. She also knows that I sometimes have suicidal thoughts.

Alicia’s first question to me was whether I was okay. I said yes. Her second question was whether I had done it deliberately. I hesitated. I didn’t know. I didn’t remember. How could I know for sure that I hadn’t done this deliberately? I explained that I had no reason to think I had done this deliberately, but I couldn’t be absolutely certain.

The physician had pretty much done with me, but he wanted to make sure I could still walk with braces and crutches without any problem before taking out the IV and discharging me. The nurse and Alicia both helped me put my braces on. I had been lying on my back for more than four hours at this point, and I was dizzy and confused from the concussion. I got off the bed and tried walking. SHIT! I had a really sharp pain in my left shoulder when I put any weight on the crutch. No, I couldn’t walk okay with braces and crutches!

I sat back down on the bed. People seemed elated that they finally had an excuse to give me a heavy duty IV painkiller. I didn’t resist. There was a suspicion of a hairline fracture in the collar bone. That spot had been missed in previous X-rays. This time they brought a wheelchair. Alicia put it in the right position for me to transfer. She knows how I do it. Apparently I needed to take off my T-shirt and bra for this one. The nurses were very concerned about giving me privacy. That’s hilarious! After what I’ve been going through for the last four hours, they really think I’m going to give a shit about some stranger seeing my boobies. Ha ha!

Taking off my shirt was painful. I needed help; same for the bra. The painkiller hadn’t arrived yet. However, it did soon after, and I was ready for it by then.

While I was back in X-ray again, Alicia was being told the story of my crash, which she later imparted to me. Bear in mind that you are hearing this fourth hand. Eyewitnesses told the cops and paramedics, who told the hospital staff who told Alicia who told me. Apparently I was going pretty close to the speed limit on the freeway, 75 m.p.h. This makes sense; that’s what I would do in a 75 limit. I swerved for no obvious reason (eyewitnesses were several hundred yards away), overcorrected, flipped up in the air, crashed back down, and rolled twice. This is consistent with my one fleeting recollection of the crash. I have a vivid memory of landing on the driver’s side of the car, accompanied by the sounds of breaking glass and crunching metal. I’m guessing that’s when I got the concussion. I remember being not the least bit scared. My feelings were of being interested and intrigued by the novel and exciting experience.

I had given a statement to the cop at the hospital. Not much of a statement. I asked him what he knew. He said it looked like I had not used the brakes at all during the crash. I asked him if I was in any legal trouble. He said that the only possible violation was an improper lane change, but no charges were going to be filed. Later, I put this all together and found it pretty funny. I was imagining a video of my crash being used as example of an improper lane change. Yeah, I think it was a bit improper!

No clavicle fracture was visible on X-ray, but it couldn’t be ruled out entirely. I was wheeled around in the chair for the rest of the hospital visit.

Home

The hospital was in the city where I must have got on the freeway. I didn’t remember anything at all of the freeway as we were driving home. It took about 15 minutes from the onramp to get to the accident site. I asked Alicia to slow down so that I could see if there were any clues. We knew where it was because I had a copy of the preliminary accident report. Nothing much to see except a few spare car parts in the road. One thing that really surprised me was the short amount of distance between start and finish of the crash. At 75 m.p.h. there must have been some pretty strong forces to bring me to a stop that quickly. I’m still pondering the physics.

I’d been instructed to take a shower as soon as I got home, in order wash off all the remaining glass. I was extracing shards from my mouth for the rest of the evening. After the shower I lay on the couch with my head on Alicia’s lap, relaxing. There was something uncomfortable in the underside of my right thigh. It felt like a glass shard, embedded somewhat. I told Alicia and she managed to dig it out. That one bled for a couple of hours.

We exchanged stories of the day. Alicia had called the hospital back after getting the original message. They wouldn’t give her any information until she explained her relationship to me. She said that I was her wife. This apparently caused some confusion. They asked if we were legally married. She said that indeed we were; that we had got married in a different state. This is all true, and an entertaining story in of itself regarding how we managed to pull it off, but nothing to do with BIID. This was a situation that we had previously discussed. Would our marriage be recognised as legal in terms of hospital visitation rights? It turned out not to be a problem. No proof was asked.

I went through a body damage assessment in my mind. It really didn’t amount to much. There was the concussion headache, and associated confusion and cognitive deficit. There were minor cuts and bruises all over my body. The only one of these deemed worthy of treating at the hospital was the series of cuts on my right forearm. The biggest bruise was on the back of my left shoulder. The only other spectacular one was on my left elbow. There was the tetanus shot in my left arm. It appeared that the pain in my shoulder from where the seat belt had restrained me was unlikely to be a fracture. However, all the minor trauma to my left arm was clearly in the process of triggering a substantial fibromyalgia episode. After I’d taken off my braces for a shower, I had discovered that the extra paralysis in my left leg that I had experienced for several hours at the hospital had completely disappeared. BUMMER!!! There were five other rather sore areas of my body, but all of those could be attributed to the events of camping the night before.

I appear to be indestructible. This does not sit well with my BIID aspirations. I need to be partially destructable. Alicia was having similar thoughts. She referred to me as unbreakable.

Afterthought

Three days after the crash I was feeling well enough for Alicia to drive me to the yard where my car had been towed. I wanted to retrieve personal belongings. I used just a left leg brace, and right crutch, since I was not capable of using either a left crutch or a wheelchair. Other than that I wore exactly what I had worn the day of the crash. Alicia had washed all the glass out of my clothes. Everything written before this section was done so prior to seeing my car. Now I have a quite different perspective.

My jaw dropped. I stood still in disbelief. I started trembling. I finally understood why people had been making such a fuss over me; why people had looked at me with such incredulity when I’d said I was fine; why people seemed to think I must be deranged when I said I wasn’t in much pain. Alicia asked me what I would think if I’d seen the car flip up in the air at that speed, smash down on the driver’s side, roll over twice, and end up with that kind of damage. I said that I would assume the driver was dead, dying, or severely injured. No way could anybody get out of there with minor cuts, bruises, and a concussion!

The big dent in the roof on the driver’s side was quite dramatic. A few inches over, and it would have split my head open neatly in two. The driver’s seat had been partially wrenched off its moorings and was in contact with the door, consistent with a heavy landing on that side. The sheet metal was heavily dented and/or gouged all the way through in many places.

I didn’t start crying until we were on our way home. I’d had a close encounter with death, but emerged virtually unscathed. Damn! What is it going to take to acquire paraplegia?

Tags: Accident, Ambulance, Back Board, BIID, Catheter, Concussion, Crash, Crutches, Incontinence, Leg Braces, Muscle Spasms, Neck Brace, Pain, Paralysis, Paraplegia, Quadriplegia, SCI, Wheelchair

Twitter Updates

Follow me on Twitter