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Home / Thoughts / Other's Thoughts / Chloe's Thoughts / The Meaning of Life

The Meaning of Life

Written by Chloe on Sunday, July 12, 2009

Ah yes, you’re all going to expect big things out of this one, aren’t you? My disclaimer is that the real answer is 42; but that you knew already. Actually this was inspired by a rather profound comment from Tora. She said "It’s really amazing what changes when you are allowed to be yourself, don’t you think?" (Feeling Normal).

Why do I go to an intersex support group every month, when I don’t have any intersex issues about myself to bring up? Sometimes the psychotherapists who run the group like to remind us why we are there. It’s not just to empathise with each other about our problems (although we do that). It’s not to have a good time chatting over dinner afterwards (although we do that). It’s not to make bad intersex jokes (although we do that). It’s not to talk about our genitalia, our relationships, and our sex lives (although we do that). No; it is about seeking individuation, authenticity, self-actualisation, becoming one’s real self. Hmm, maybe I’ve spent too much time hanging around psychologists.

Anyway, notice that the reason for participating in the support group does not have anything directly to do with being intersexed. I go there and talk about my BIID. I like explicitly to draw the parallels with gender issues so that people can see that what I’m going through is directly relevant to them as well. What I’m going through is trying to be myself, just like they are.

I want to look at what Tora said more closely: "… when you are allowed to be yourself,.." This brings up several questions. Who is it that is doing the allowing? Generally, the first people who allow us to do things are our parents. "WHEN you are allowed" implies that there was a time when you were NOT allowed. And we were first not allowed by our parents. Several of us, including myself, have expressed that our parents did not allow us to be ourselves. Sometimes a simple fact about ourselves, like we have BIID, is not allowed by our parents. Likewise, sometimes the fact that one is a girl is not allowed by one’s parents. I call these things facts; and one wonders how it is possible either to allow or to disallow facts.

Many of us know that we have BIID. I mean we KNOW that we are not supposed to be able to walk, or we KNOW that hand is not supposed to be there, or whatever. But how does one convey this knowledge one has to someone else so that they too can see it as a fact? How do you tell someone that you KNOW you are a girl? Also not so easy. The fact is that we ARE ourselves, whether others like it or not… whether WE like it or not.

Back to the parents. A critical step of individuation is to separate from one’s parents. This is something else that is not easy. It’s not just a question of going to live somewhere else, even another country as I did. I am astonished just how much baggage from my parents I am yet discovering. There are still things that they are allowing me to do or not allowing me to do. Often I will deliberately do things I am not allowed to do in order to get back at them, and in that way they are still controlling me. Geez! Will I never grow up?

Then there’s society at large. We’re not allowed to have BIID. It doesn’t officially exist! Society does not allow us to be who we are. No wonder so many of us are secretive. Actually, I’m not even allowed to be a hermaphrodite! My drivers license has to say either "F" or "M"; no in-betweens are allowed.

Having said all this; the most important permission comes from ourselves. Yes, ultimately the person who allows us to be ourselves is… ourselves. This is probably the most difficult permission to be granted. How many of us have fought against our BIID, refusing to give ourselves that permission? But yes; when we allow it: "It’s really amazing what changes…"

The meaning of life: well, everybody has to figure it out for themselves. Sorry! I can only say what works for me. It is the changes that occur when one seeks authenticity. As Tora pointed out, the changes that occur on the inside are reflected externally. This includes not only the obvious physical stuff, like a wheelchair, but also the expression on one’s face. To me the most important change is in one’s interaction with others.

Yesterday, a guest came to spend a lot of quality time with us at our home. I had never met her before. Somehow all three of us wordlessly conveyed that we were safe with each other. We all knew that we could be honest and real about ourselves. Alicia was preparing lunch, so much of the early interaction was primarily between our guest and myself. The conversation quickly turned to her mental illnesses, and accompanying medications. None of us was the slightest bit shy about asking each other questions, or answering them.

Our guest brought up issues regarding her physical impairments. We had a long conversation about that too: how she came by her impairments, what her coping mechanisms are. All the conversation flowed so easily. After several hours of many topics there was a point when I had wheeled up to her on the couch to hold her hands in mine, giving her emotional support. There was a pause as we looked at each other in the eyes. Then, after a littlle preamble to reassure me that I was under no obligation to answer any questions, she said "Why are you in a wheelchair?" I smiled, and looked over at Alicia on the couch, also smiling. I knew that she knew what I was going to do. I replied "I have body integrity identity disorder…", followed by a more lengthy explanation. Our guest expressed her unconditional support and gave me a big hug.

In the evening one of Alicia’s friends came over for a while. Our guest and I hung out on our deck for a couple of hours, to facilitate the continuation of intimate conversation. She asked more questions about BIID, and about being intersexed. I was completely open about everything. The favor was returned.

This morning, as our guest and I were dozing, snuggling and cuddling together, I was contemplating how beautiful my life is. It is beautiful because I am allowed to be myself. The change from thirty five years ago is indeed amazing. Back then I was not allowed to be myself, by my parents, by society, by myself… and life was truly horrible; because I was unable to connect with another human being. The act of showing compassion towards oneself enables one to be truly compassionate towards others. Here is meaning that is worth aspiring to.

Tora, thank you for inspiring my thoughts with your insight:

"It’s really amazing what changes when you are allowed to be yourself, don’t you think?"

Tags: BIID, Body Integrity Identity Disorder, Wheelchair

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