I don’t charge for my psychotherapy, I pay for it ;-)

I hope I didn’t resemble a therapist, and if, only a good one…

When I ask you questions, I ask myself the same ones. Even though I generally avoid danger (and I thought maybe thus I “cut off” potentially interesting things and desires from my life).

It’s a bit conspicuous how many of us had abusive, confining, fearful etc. mothers.

But so many other people had mothers like this, and they don’t have BIID…

Why is it so difficult to love oneself really?

I hope you and I can learn it better.

Phil

Yes, I enjoy being hurt and I enjoy being in danger. A lot of this has to do with my mother. She was massively fearful of just about everything, and she tried to instill that into her kids too. We both resented it and we both rebelled against it. My sister is a more hard core athlete than I am. She pushes herself a lot, causes herself pain, injures herself. We are quite alike.

My mother was especially fearful of cliffs. Hence I take a special delight in the danger of cliffs, both hiking and skiing.

One of the things I enjoyed about my car crash was the thought of what my mother would have to say about it. She thought that cars were dangerous. She never drove one in her entire life. Neither did my dad for that matter.

Yes, I have plenty of baggage besides BIID.

I allow myself to be emotional all of the time. I cry every day. My mother almost never cried to my knowledge. I cry at some point during every hike. It’s often not about me at all. The last big cry was on Monday. I stayed home all day just to be with my partner, Alicia, who was having a massive emotional crisis. It was nothing to do with me, or BIID, but I knew that she needed me. We sat and talked and cried all day.

I have many motivations for hiking. At the top of the list is that I find it to be a spiritually rewarding experience.

I like myself, and I also hate myself. Perhaps I’ve not completely got over other kids saying they hated me, when I was young, just because I was ambiguously gendered. It’s still hard for me to imagine why anybody else would like me.

How much do you charge for your psychotherapy, Phil?

what immediately strikes me is how much you hurt yourself – with thoughts and words, and by doing things where you get hurt.

Apart from this, I would like to ask you about your motivation for your hikes. What is it, why do you do it? What do you like about it most?

Maybe you enjoy being hurt and in danger (even in a potentially lethal car crash) because you feel yourself more intensely during it and afterwards?

And only then you allow yourself emotions – and to cry?

Do you like yourself, or do you hate yourself – in general?

Best wishes
Phil