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Ruminations on Sexuality
Written by Chloe on Wednesday, December 9, 2009
I am in the habit of reading my own posts from a year ago, to see what has changed and what has not changed. For me, the most astonishing post so far is "Warning! Wheelchairs Can Make You Heterosexual". Getting to that point was a bit weird. What happened since is a bit weird.
A year ago I wrote "I am also scared about having sex with men. It’s probably not going to happen"; "very insecure about whether I would really be attractive to a man"; and "I’m a virgin".
Well… A month or so after I wrote that, it did happen. I have lost most of my insecurity, in addition to my virginity. I have to admit that the first time was scary. Not only was I a virgin, but it was also the first time I’d ever had sex with someone who believed that I was paraplegic. I was too clueless for things to be consummated that first time. However, we both had the persistence to figure out how things could work with a paraplegic virgin. He is still my boyfriend, and I still have paraplegia.
I’m rambling on about my sex life because none of this would have happened without my wheelchair. The shift to being bisexual brought about by the wheelchair appears to be permanent. To be honest, I still identify as lesbian though, because that’s where my emotional life is at.
One might ask why I don’t tell my boyfriend that I’m not really paraplegic. It’s not about keeping secrets or being worried about his reaction to the news. I told him about being intersexed after we’d had sex a couple of times. He was surprised, but it didn’t make the slightest difference to our interaction. Nevertheless, without paraplegia sex would not be an option. We could still be friends, but not lovers. I simply cannot stand the idea of having sex with a man who did not believe I am paraplegic. It’s not that the idea of paraplegia turns me on; it doesn’t. It’s a question of authenticity.
It has been three years since my back injury, and three years since I have desired an orgasm. While it is true that I have some sensory loss in my genitalia resulting from that injury, particularly obvious in the left labia, I believe that orgasms are still physically possible. I have only masturbated once in the last three years, and backed off when I felt that an orgasm might not be far away. I still have orgasms which wake me up at night, but they are very rare. It’s only happened once in the last year.
My boyfriend wants to try bringing me to orgasm. I told him it’s not going happen. I am well aware that some paraplegic women do indeed have orgasms, even those with total sensory loss in the genitalia. In fact this is one of the specialties of my psychotherapist (who has a Ph.D. in sexology): teaching those with paraplegia and complete genital sensory loss how to become orgasmic. He has offered to coach me in this (it’s all kosher, just verbal instruction) but I declined. My self image is that of a paraplegic woman who is sexual, but incapable of orgasm. My loss of virginity in no way decreases my need for complete genital sensory loss. I have hyper-erogenous breasts in any case.
Hmm… I often seem to end up talking about my breasts. There seems to be something inherently hilarious about breasts. They are the one part of my body that just makes me giggle (and jiggle). My number one erotic turn on has always been having my nipples sucked. There must be many people out there who assert that motherhood is a sexual fetish. It certainly makes a lot more sense to me than BIID being a sexual fetish.
How did anybody come up with the idea of BIID being a sexual fetish anyway? For starters my sexual desire is close to non-existent. Sure, I have a wife and a boyfriend, and a girlfriend; but it’s mostly about talking and hugging and cuddling. My psychotherapist has commented that Alicia and I make love by talking with each other.
Not once have I ever found sitting in a wheelchair to be a sexual turn on; nor the idea of it; nor anybody else because they are in a wheelchair; nor the idea of it; not ever, in my entire life. Yet I use a wheelchair most of the time most days. Hmm.
Oh, yeah, then there’s the shit. Those of us with paraplegic manifestation of BIID know very well that we would have bowel problems post-paraplegia, and that we might accidentally shit ourselves during sexual activity. I’m not looking forward to this. It would definitely be an immediate sexual turn off for me. I’d deal with it; and with a little compassionate encouragement I’d try again another time. Just the same as if it were the other way around too. I might start laughing, either way around. However, for myself I’d have to classify shit as an anti-fetish.
I wonder why people who don’t have BIID sometimes try to tell us who we are, instead of listening. It’s not like we’re secretive about stuff here. Perhaps they never saw the movie "To Kill a Mocking-bird"; or perhaps they just didn’t understand it.
Tags: BIID, Orgasm, Paraplegia, Psychotherapist, Sensory Loss, Sex, Virgin, Wheelchair
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8 Comments
I totally feel the same way. It was nice to hear this post. I’m straight, but have the need to present myself the same way, a paraplegic that is unable to orgasm.
As a side note, to you and others out there that wheel most of the time. Have you noticed much atrophy?
RE; BIID as fetish. Some people seem to think anything that is not mainsteam is sexual in nature. Roll playing a disabled female seems to be a big part of the pretender material on youtube. For that matter there is plenty of disabled partner fantasy type material on the ‘net, no wonder casual observers draw that conclusion. It is a far cry from sexuality and disability a very legitimate part of our discussion.
BTW I once read that women who have a spinal cord injury can regain feeling to some degree in the private regions as other nerves can form a bypass around the injury. Is this true? Is it likewise for men?
Chloe, I’m sorry to briefly hijack your thread but as an English major, I cannot resist.
@Ronald – “To Kill A Mockingbird” was about a lot of things – growing up in the South, the terrible consequences of racial bigotry, and the loss of innocence. “Dill” (nobody’s cousin but a neighbor’s grand-nephew as I recall) was based on Harper Lee’s lifetime friendship with Truman Capote.
Whew. Thank you for letting me get that out of my system.
Carry on.
@Rich: I’m not expecting much in the way of atrophy since I’ve still been taking a strenuous hike every week, despite being in a wheelchair almost all the rest of the time. Having said that, I have noticed that the thigh straps on my left leg brace need to be buckled substantially tighter than those on the right leg brace. But maybe that’s because I wear the left one almost daily whereas the right one is only about three days per month. Does the leather stretch out? Maybe it’s also complicated by my getting a great many muscle spasms in my left thigh, and none at all in my right leg?
@Ronald: I have a friend from the intersex support group who has T12 – L2 fused from breaking her back. For the first couple of months the spinal cord injury appeared to be complete: zero muscle control and zero sensation below the level of injury. However, it gradually came back. Her residual weakness and sensory loss is almost identical to mine. Her genitalia is neither typical female nor typical male. So, yes it is possible to regain feeling in the privates, but it doesn’t always happen.
Interestingly, my friend is one of the most supportive and understanding about my BIID. She has the perspective of analogous gender issues as well as the perspective of temporarily having had what I need. She seems to understand exactly what I am talking about when I describe my feelings regarding paraplegia.
@Chloe. I was just curious if you experienced atrophy. Thanks for the response. I’m not full time, but was able to go full time for a week some time ago. I noticed no change below the knee, but the area just above my knee atrophied a little. I wonder how long it takes?
8 On 10 December, 2009, Sean said:
@Rich I’ve been using a wheelchair nearly full time for 12+ years. While I do have atrophy, it is far from significant. It is a myth that you could not use your legs to the point of atrophy and resulting inability to move your legs.
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1 On 9 December, 2009, Ronald said:
I know this is way off topic, Chloe, but since you brought it up, what was “To Kill a Mockingbird” about, anyway. I have seen the movie, was forced to read it in high school, and thus labelled as some sort of uncultured dolt since I did not get it. But, the girls brother or cousin is Truman Capote, right?