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Blog > Thoughts > Other's Thoughts > Chloe's Thoughts > Plan A

Plan A

Written by Chloe on Wednesday, December 31, 2008

I have been thinking about how to conform my body to my paralysed self image since I was five years old. The plans come in three categories. I call them Plan A, Plan B and Plan C.

Plan A is simply to engage in activities which carry a risk of paralysis. My first Plan A, at age five, was to catch polio. It seemed rather difficult, and the plan was never put into action, excepting the refusal to be vaccinated.

At age six my second Plan A was to ride my bicycle, since my aunt had become paralysed by riding her bicycle. At seven years old I stepped it up a notch by persistently riding my bicycle in heavy city traffic. I kept this up throughout childhood.

When I was nine I became frustrated with the lack of results from bicycling. I executed Plan B. Plan B is a deliberate attempt at self injury. I found a rectangular wooden platform. I’m guessing it was around six or seven feet high. I leant my bicycle against the side and stood on the saddle to get on top of the platform. Then I lay down flat with my arms over the side and pulled the bicycle up. I started at one end and bicycled as fast as I could off the opposite end. My intent was that the resulting crash would break my back and make me paraplegic. I landed on the back of my neck, with my chin forced against my chest. I balanced like that for a couple of seconds. The entire weight of myself plus the bicycle had come down on the back of my neck. Then I fell over sideways. It seemed like I only had a few abrasions, but it scared the crap out of me. I understood that I had come close to breaking my neck and becoming quadriplegic. One of the vertebrae in the lower part of my neck was very sore to touch for more than a year afterwards. I can still feel exactly where that was. This was the only time I have attempted Plan B.

I also include in Plan B activities such as injecting substances in order to induce nerve damage.

Plan C is medical intervention for elective surgery to provide the required impairment. This is my favorite option. Unfortunately it seems to be currently unavailable.

Back to Plan A: When I was fourteen I took a week-long rock climbing course. I never did serious rock climbing, but the techniques come in handy for some of my hiking, when technical rock climbing moves are required. There is some danger in this.

At twenty two years old I started sky diving lessons. One day I met my instructor on the street by chance. He had broken his arm from a jump. This put me off. A broken arm wasn’t going to do me any good.

I did not start downhill skiing until I was forty. I was very surprised how good at this I was. It seemed to suit my physique and mentality perfectly. My first significant crash was in 2002. I was practicing jumps on a fast run. I was gradually working up to bigger and bigger jumps. I thought I had got the hang of it so I went all out, going very fast and hitting the most angled part of the jump lip. There’s nothing like whizzing through the air high off the ground to focus the mind. I almost nailed the landing, but my center of gravity was too far back. I fell backwards, smacking the back of my head with some force on the hard packed surface. I’m not sure if I blacked out or not; if so it was only for a few seconds. It was what they call a "yard sale" crash. Skis, poles, sunglasses, hat, gloves, were all over the place. I was dazed and had a terrible headache. I tried one more run and then decided to go home. It was the worst headache I have ever had in my life. It lasted two days.

In 2004 I was skiing down a steep icy crusty surface and lost control. My left ski came off, and in the fall my left boot crashed hard into my right calf. It was the worst bruise I have ever had, the results of which are still visible. In December 2006 I got my minor T10 – T12 spinal compression injury. I reinjured my back in March 2008. In April I had a high speed jump crash resulting in a large bruise to my right hip.

I have an acquaintance who is a ski instructor. I ski with her several times a year and she gives me tips. Early last season she characterised my skiing style as "fearless". Well, it’s not really that I am fearless, but I have a reason to ski very fast and get into a big crash. Later in the season I asked her about helmets. She said that in my case there wasn’t any point. The only difference it would make was how much mess there was to clean up afterwards.

There is a degree of difficulty rating for ski runs, that tops out at 10.0. I use the word "runs" loosely; the more difficult ones are just areas of steep terrain with rocks and cliffs, etc, to dodge. I have been skiing runs rated at 9.0 and higher for several years. Here is the description for such runs: "Substantial danger exists for skiers of any competence level. Failure of nerve or technique may place skier in serious physical jeopardy". "Double blacks" are considered to go from around 8.5 to 9.4. "Triple blacks", also designated as "extreme skiing", start at 9.5. I first skied a 9.5 in April 2005. I apologise to any skiers out there who may disagree with these characterisations. I am aware that there are different opinions. The description for triple blacks is "High risk under the most favorable conditions."

I wrote the first draft of this a while ago. I wanted to wait until the ski season was well underway, before writing this little addendum today. This morning I skied my first run of the season within the difficulty range 9.0 to 9.5. In the afternoon I had my best high speed jump crash of the season thus far. I landed on my back, left elbow, and the back of my head. I guess it must have been somewhat spectacular, because a bunch of people came over to ask if was O.K. Unfortunately I was O.K. The bruise on my elbow is very sore, my back hurts more than usual, and I have a headache. Oh well, I’ll try harder next time.

A surgeon might tell me that they would offer me elective paraplegia in two years, provided that I was an obligatory wheelchair user for those two years and neither ski nor hike. With such an offer, that is exactly what I would do. As things stand I feel I have no choice but to smash my body to bits on the ski slopes. I am well aware that I am risking death, or injuries more serious than paraplegia.

I am going to be a drama queen now; if I haven’t been already! Jeez this all seems so serious. Honestly, I really do have a sense of humor. Just to lighten things up a bit, and let you know that my partner is every bit as sick in the head as I am: This morning she was coming up with all the amusing things she could do to me after I am quadriplegic.

I apologise profusely for being such a drama queen; it does not sit well with me. However… just in case… there are some things I want to get off my chest.

I have discussed the situation with my partner, and I have her permission to do what I need to do. In the eventuality of my death, or other inability to communicate, my partner will let Sean know exactly what happened.

I love you all… I am grateful to every one of you… I wish that you all find what you need for happiness.

Tags: Crash, Impairment, Injury, Nerve Damage, Paralysis, Paraplegia, Polio, Quadriplegic, Surgery, Vertebrae, Wheelchair

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