Another thing. The phantasies are becoming less at the moment. What’s occupying me is the thought of my boyfriend’s hand. He lost most of his right hand in an accident 10 years ago. This is one thing I find so fascinating about him. Of course, there are millions of other things too, but this is what makes him so special. I can’t get the image out of my head. I like us going out in publing and watching people stare at his hand.

I think this is also something that influences my view of disability. He is a person who does not surrender to anything, he does everything in spite of his disability, and I admire that so much. With him I do not experience any “I can’t do that” or “I miss this”. There is only always “I can do that in spite of everything.”

He is happy that I can deal with his hand, because it looks a bit weird. He does not know how much it is fascinating me and I don’t know how to tell him. And this is also the reason why I don’t dare to tell him about my BIID.

My possibilities of pretending are limited. The only thing I can do to feed my BIID are fantasies. And at the moment they’re haunting me again.

Please forgive me, everyone; Chloe is at work and I am at home. The upstairs PC is the only one that works on the internet, and I totally forgot to look and see what name it was posting under. :)
~Alicia

As for the content of your comment, what can I say? You are absolutely wonderful!

I support you, period. I know you would support me if I was going through this and you were not.

When we someday get a riding mower I am sure you will figure out a way to operate it and mow the yard again, so no worries on that either. You are a terrifically hard worker as you are already, and the nicest, most wonderful person I know. I hope you are surprised as you read this because I know you didn’t think I was going to post here, now did you? As for the rest of your concerns, I feel they are all easily understood and/or solvable.

But, what I really wanted to say was BRAVO to you for so bravely laying your heart bare before the world; being in touch with honest emotions like these will always guide you down the correct path. You were vulnerable in your content, displaying that you were not afraid to imply that there are a complex set of emotions to having BIID and that they are not always, simply—roses and perfection.
~Alicia

Back when I lived at home I used to mow the grass every week for years. I didn’t really mind, it was just part of life and I did it, I guess I saw it as part of being a kid. For me it wasn’t so bad because my family had a riding lawnmower. Now all I have is a really small, wore out push mower.

In my life I have some dreams and desires for what I would love to come true in the future. Being a slave conflicts all of this greatly. One of my desires is to completely encased in rubber a good deal of the time and to be controlled by it and other things. Trying to mow the lawn in rubber would probably not go over well at all by the neighbors and I know that I would probably die of heat exhaustion out in the hot sun covered in a thick black layer.

Another desire of mine…to be completely strapped into a tilting, positioning style wheelchair and to be controlled by it and tended to/treated by my Mistress as if I were severely disabled. This bothers me a lot at times, even though it does greatly excite me. The reason it bothers me is simple…as a slave I feel I should constantly be physically able to do whatever my Mistress demands of me to help her or to serve her. I can’t really do that when I am strapped down completely.

My honest feeling is that my Mistress should never have to work or do anything that she does not enjoy or that incontinences her. I am her slave and her properly; as such it is my job to please her and to make her life pleasurable and easy. How can I properly serve my Mistress when because of the restrictions and controls of my life, I can’t do the hard labor chores such as mowing the grass, and helping my Mistress with shopping and other daily task.

And I do enjoy walking, cycling, dancing and a lot of things with my legs and feet.

Sometimes this nearly tears me apart inside.

I would try to do as many things as possible without legs. Aren’t there enough people with paralysis or amputation who mow their lawn, trim their hedges, make fire etc.?

What if you try to find a way? Even if it takes ten times as much effort, sweat and time?

What you describe is the reason for me desiring a good cover story to be able to switch from the wheelchair to walking and dancing and back, without people having to pity me…

Interestingly, the word decide comes from de-caedere which means “cut off”. If you decide for something, you have to cut off all the other options and dreams and possibilities. “Living is choosing” said Kurt Tucholsky.

And that is what I don’t like to do – I want to keep all options, all doors open… :-) What a dream…

Best wishes
Phil

You’re right; there are ways of doing things. My friend who is paralysed from the waist down does a lot of gardening. I was curious about this, and she was happy to explain. A bit of ingenuity goes a long way.

Maybe I’m just a lazy sod.

You aren’t making anyone do anything. You could have hired a lawn service, bought a lawn tractor if you have a big lawn, any number of things. Your neighbor volunteered. Your partner volunteered.

I think it only makes sense that you miss what you enjoyed and cannot – for whatever reason – do now.