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Lawn Guilt
Written by Chloe on Saturday, May 16, 2009
My partner was mowing the lawns this morning. I wasn’t. She didn’t sign up for this. I always used to mow the lawns. She doesn’t like mowing lawns. I do. But now I can’t.
I can’t be seen as able bodied by the neighbours. They only see me with some combination of wheelchair, leg braces and crutches.
After mowing the front lawns, my partner stacked the wood from the Siberian Elm we had cut down last year. Now it’s all ready on the porch for our fireplace next Winter. My partner doesn’t like stacking wood. I do. I always used to do it. Now I can’t.
I always used to take care of everything about the fireplace. I love fires. I can still make fires in the fireplace, but it’s definitely more difficult in a wheelchair. You’d think I could just get out of my wheelchair to tend to the fire, when it’s just me and my partner at home. But I can’t. Maybe it’s not just about the neighbours.
I used to do all the hedge trimming, all the weed pulling, all the dead branch removing, all the patio sweeping, all the bagging of fallen leaves. I have pangs of nostalgia for being able bodied; the life that is gone. Yes, I cry about it. But the pain is not nearly as bad as the pain of not having paraplegia.
When my partner came in for lunch after working in the garden, I thanked her for the lawn mowing and the wood stacking. I told her I felt guilty for not doing these things any more. She said that we each can do only what we are able to do. She knows I can’t mow lawns any more.
After lunch there was a knock on the front door. I answered it, in my wheelchair as always. It was a neighbour. He had come over with his power mower. He had seen my partner struggling with the front lawn in the morning. He asked if I would like him to mow our back lawns. I accepted with gratitude. As I closed the door I felt that guilt again. My partner is thirteen years younger than I am. However, I get much more exercise than she does, and I am very fit. Physically, it would not have been a problem for me to mow the lawns, and I would have enjoyed it. But I made other people do it for me.
I miss just taking a stroll around the garden. I miss mowing lawns. I miss stacking wood. I don’t like making other people do things for me; I feel guilty about it.
I’m not complaining about any of this. I’m just making the observations and acknowledging them.
Tags: Able Bodied, Crutches, Guilt, Leg Braces, Paraplegia, Wheelchair
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11 Comments
@Becs. Ha ha, too bad I’m not near NY or I’d be there all the time, weeding your garden ;o)
You’re right; there are ways of doing things. My friend who is paralysed from the waist down does a lot of gardening. I was curious about this, and she was happy to explain. A bit of ingenuity goes a long way.
Maybe I’m just a lazy sod.
3 On 16 May, 2009, Phil said:
Today I thought that even though my legs somehow don’t are parts of me as much as other parts are, I’ve grown accustomed to them, and like with every old habit or friend, I would certainly be sad if they were gone - and at the same time relieved and happy.
And I do enjoy walking, cycling, dancing and a lot of things with my legs and feet.
Sometimes this nearly tears me apart inside.
I would try to do as many things as possible without legs. Aren’t there enough people with paralysis or amputation who mow their lawn, trim their hedges, make fire etc.?
What if you try to find a way? Even if it takes ten times as much effort, sweat and time?
What you describe is the reason for me desiring a good cover story to be able to switch from the wheelchair to walking and dancing and back, without people having to pity me…
Interestingly, the word decide comes from de-caedere which means “cut off”. If you decide for something, you have to cut off all the other options and dreams and possibilities. “Living is choosing” said Kurt Tucholsky.
And that is what I don’t like to do - I want to keep all options, all doors open… :-) What a dream…
Best wishes
Phil
You are very fortunate indeed to have a partner that is supportive and to have the possibility to express yourself in such an open way. I myself is having a lot of trouble dealing with manifestations and finding an outlet to discuss them. I hope this can be the place.
I thought about this subject a lot recently, even before you wrote it. Just recently I moved and have now located myself in a very small duplex. While I am a little concerned about the size of the duplex, it actually brings me a lot of freedoms and responsibilities. For the first time since I have lived on my own, I now have a yard that I have to cut.
Back when I lived at home I used to mow the grass every week for years. I didn’t really mind, it was just part of life and I did it, I guess I saw it as part of being a kid. For me it wasn’t so bad because my family had a riding lawnmower. Now all I have is a really small, wore out push mower.
In my life I have some dreams and desires for what I would love to come true in the future. Being a slave conflicts all of this greatly. One of my desires is to completely encased in rubber a good deal of the time and to be controlled by it and other things. Trying to mow the lawn in rubber would probably not go over well at all by the neighbors and I know that I would probably die of heat exhaustion out in the hot sun covered in a thick black layer.
Another desire of mine…to be completely strapped into a tilting, positioning style wheelchair and to be controlled by it and tended to/treated by my Mistress as if I were severely disabled. This bothers me a lot at times, even though it does greatly excite me. The reason it bothers me is simple…as a slave I feel I should constantly be physically able to do whatever my Mistress demands of me to help her or to serve her. I can’t really do that when I am strapped down completely.
My honest feeling is that my Mistress should never have to work or do anything that she does not enjoy or that incontinences her. I am her slave and her properly; as such it is my job to please her and to make her life pleasurable and easy. How can I properly serve my Mistress when because of the restrictions and controls of my life, I can’t do the hard labor chores such as mowing the grass, and helping my Mistress with shopping and other daily task.
Dearest Chloe,
Although it is quite true that I do not (always) enjoy mowing the lawn, I do recognize what you are going through as serious and authentic; therefore, do not worry for we have vowed to be together in all trials that shall come our way, and we know that we have the love and friendship to see us through anything.
I support you, period. I know you would support me if I was going through this and you were not.
When we someday get a riding mower I am sure you will figure out a way to operate it and mow the yard again, so no worries on that either. You are a terrifically hard worker as you are already, and the nicest, most wonderful person I know. I hope you are surprised as you read this because I know you didn’t think I was going to post here, now did you? As for the rest of your concerns, I feel they are all easily understood and/or solvable.
But, what I really wanted to say was BRAVO to you for so bravely laying your heart bare before the world; being in touch with honest emotions like these will always guide you down the correct path. You were vulnerable in your content, displaying that you were not afraid to imply that there are a complex set of emotions to having BIID and that they are not always, simply—roses and perfection.
~Alicia
Alicia sweetheart! Yes, you surprised the heck out of me, especially as I apparently wrote this myself, ha ha! Please try to remember that your computer remembers me as the one who posts here. If you don’t change the settings it confuses me, and everyone else is going to think I’m completely nuts addressing myself as “Dearest Chloe”.
As for the content of your comment, what can I say? You are absolutely wonderful!
I am so sorry my dear; I hope this is better. Honest mistake–and I hope I shall be forgiven on account of being intrigued by the writing process more than worrying over what avatar/name it will post as.
Please forgive me, everyone; Chloe is at work and I am at home. The upstairs PC is the only one that works on the internet, and I totally forgot to look and see what name it was posting under. :)
~Alicia
9 On 29 May, 2009, Lane said:
Alicia [the other Chloe ;)] we’re delighted to hear from you. How wonderful that you support your partner to this degree!
That’s funny. In my fantasies and paraplegia considerations, I have never found anything I would miss. And I have been thinking through that for over 13 years. There has been a phase when I tried to phantasize myself being in situations I’d hate, finding out I couldn’t do this or that any more. I phantasized about all the nasty things like looking for elevators, bathroom issues and so on. The only thing I found out was that it would all be worth it. I even liked the image of me being helpless in some situations. Everything would be better! E.g. I am quite a shy person who does not like to talk to strangers. But in case I would be shopping in a wheelchair and having to ask someone to reach for something - I would gladly do that! In my phantasies, it’s all still colorful and glittering and nice, no matter how hard I try to see the bad things about paraplegia.
Another thing. The phantasies are becoming less at the moment. What’s occupying me is the thought of my boyfriend’s hand. He lost most of his right hand in an accident 10 years ago. This is one thing I find so fascinating about him. Of course, there are millions of other things too, but this is what makes him so special. I can’t get the image out of my head. I like us going out in publing and watching people stare at his hand.
I think this is also something that influences my view of disability. He is a person who does not surrender to anything, he does everything in spite of his disability, and I admire that so much. With him I do not experience any “I can’t do that” or “I miss this”. There is only always “I can do that in spite of everything.”
He is happy that I can deal with his hand, because it looks a bit weird. He does not know how much it is fascinating me and I don’t know how to tell him. And this is also the reason why I don’t dare to tell him about my BIID.
My possibilities of pretending are limited. The only thing I can do to feed my BIID are fantasies. And at the moment they’re haunting me again.
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1 On 16 May, 2009, Becs said:
I think - if you have a very weedy garden, as I do - you might be able to sit on the ground or on one of those wheeled stools and get some weeding done. If you’re close to NY, I’ll even let you weed my garden :)
You aren’t making anyone do anything. You could have hired a lawn service, bought a lawn tractor if you have a big lawn, any number of things. Your neighbor volunteered. Your partner volunteered.
I think it only makes sense that you miss what you enjoyed and cannot - for whatever reason - do now.