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Laterality
Written by Chloe on Thursday, May 7, 2009
My BIID is asymmetric. That seems odd. My self image corresponds to complete paraplegia. Both legs the same. Both sides of my lower torso the same. It seems absurd for there to be laterality. Yet it is so.
I started thinking about this because I am treating my BIID asymmetrically, with a left KAFO at work. It crossed my mind that I also have all I need to wear just a right KAFO. It’s tempting to try it out at home, just to see. But… I CAN’T DO IT! This must sound ludicrous. I wouldn’t go so far as to say it would be unbearable, but the thought of it makes me extremely uncomfortable.
I certainly don’t have any problem with wearing both KAFOs at the same time. However, when I put them on I always put on the left one first. Likewise I always take off the right one first. This could sound a bit like an OCD issue, and I certainly have non-numerical OCD stuff. For example, if I am walking on square tiling I am compelled to walk between tiles as if I was making the move of a knight in a game of chess. But no, this is not OCD at work here; it is pure BIID.
I first found out about this laterality when bandaging my legs as a kid. I was fine with bandaging both legs, and I was fine with bandaging just the left leg. When I tried bandaging just the right leg I knew it was wrong.
There’s also the issue with my hand; just the left hand. It’s not that I want it gone. It’s that the idea of it being gone doesn’t bother me at an emotional level. It bothers me at a practical level because it would make wheeling and such a lot more difficult. On the other hand; it would bother me at an emotional level for my right hand to be gone. It’s definitely supposed to be there.
I’m not going to classify the hand thing as BIID. It’s not that strong. However, it’s strong enough that I fantasise about chopping off my left hand several times a day. And it’s strong enough that I’ve been typing this with just my right hand, as always.
Is the way I feel about wearing only a right KAFO the same as what people without BIID would feel? My partner tried on one of my KAFOs and thought it was awful. She couldn’t imagine how anyone could actually WANT to do that.
Are there people whose BIID manifests as a need to be blind in one eye? Or deaf in one ear? Or does it just not work that way?
How can one reconcile a symmetrical self image with a strong preference for one side over the other? It doesn’t seem to make much sense. I have questions, but no answers. Is it not interesting from a theoretical point of view though?
Are there others who, like me, feel better in a wheelchair, but better still while wearing a leg brace at the same time? And is there absolutely no doubt in one’s mind which leg that brace has to be on? I’m very interested to hear other people’s perceptions of laterality in connection with BIID.
Tags: BIID, Blind, Deaf, KAFO, Leg Brace, OCD, Paraplegia, Wheelchair
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13 Comments
There are loads of folk who need just the one limb off, if what reading I have done is any guide.
Personally I need the same paralysis on both sides, though I may make do with strapping eg one hand if it is simply not practicable (or safe) to strap both – this way I can for example drive quite easily. At other times I may favour my thumbs over my fingers (like typing/eating).
i already said something about this, but i’m exactly the same way with my right leg. if i only bandage one leg, it’s always the right one. also, i wouldn’t mind too terribly if i was blind in my right eye. it’s not strong at ALL (i very VERY rarely think about it) but i would NOT want to be blind in my left eye.
For me, I am purely a devotee and a pretender and the actual disability/BIID is not really important to me. When I use my toys I find that I like my braces, both legs braced equally first…then my wheelchair without my braces…and then my wheelchair and braces most of all.
I find that when I do brace I have to brace both legs, I simply can’t do just one and if I must only do one, then I rather not do either and just not brace at all.
I also greatly enjoy my TLSO and I wear it on bad days when my AS is really acting up. I also wear it every night as I find it helps me sleep better and I wake up in a much happier and better mood in the morning when I am in it…but I also have a hard time getting myself to take it off…it’s like a throw a small fit inside and I get angry with myself for even thinking about doing so.
For its to be blind in both eyes.
Been blind in just one eye just wouldn’t be right.
But then agian my left eye is naturaly weaker.
Sorry Phil!
Knee Ankle Foot Orthosis
Obsessive Compulsive Disorder
Thoracic Lumbar Sacral Orthosis
Asperger’s Syndrome
I’ll try to be more considerate about this stuff :)
@Sean. Hey! I just thought. Wouldn’t it be useful to have somewhere on the site a glossary of acronyms commonly used in relation to BIID? All the amputee stuff, like DBK. All the various orthoses. All the vertebrae.
In addition to definitions, one can include synonyms, like “long leg brace” versus “KAFO”. Also a short discussion of the circumstances for which different braces might be used. Also the consequences of a particular level of injury: what exactly would be going on with a complete T3?
Whaddya think?
9 On 9 May, 2009, Phil said:
Thanks for the explanations, Chloe.
A register of abbreviations or an encyclopaedia of impairments could be helpful, but I would prefer to read a text and understand everything at once, without having to look up anything.
My desire to be an amputee is definitely bilateral. The girlfriend suggests that I consider losing one leg at a time, but I can’t visualize myself with only one. It’s both, or nothing for me. That is definitely not the case with most amputation BIID sufferers. Most commonly, it is manifested as a desire to lose a single leg, particularly the left one. Then again, those of us with BIID are so few (and elusive) that getting any sound statistics would difficult at best.
11 On 16 May, 2009, Phil said:
Hi Bryan,
it’s the same for me. I have tried to convince myself of having only one leg off (at least at first), but I think I would feel grotesque – and trapped somewhere between still tortured by BIID in my sould AND disabled. It would certainly be fascinating, but not really me.
To get statistics, I can only ask you to participate in all research projects going on!
Greetings
Phil
@Phil: The only research project that I know of that’s going on at the moment is the one with Dr. First. I contacted him, and he’s not interested in speaking with me at the moment as I am an amputee “wannabe” (How much I hate that word, but there’s no other very concise way I’ve found to say it), which is fine by me. I realize there are many other flavors of BIID out there, and I feel the more exposure we get as a whole, the more likely we are to be able to find some help… actual, legitimate help. If there are any other projects going on, I’d love to know about them.
13 On 17 May, 2009, Phil said:
Hi Bryan, I posted some addresses here:
http://transabled.org/thoughts/sean-thoughts/do-your-bit-for-biid.htm
Best wishes
Phil
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1 On 7 May, 2009, Tom said:
Interesting topic, this. My BIID has a lot to do with non symmetrical body image. It’s not so much about my right side or my left side. What appeals to me is to have different sides, a discrepancy between the one side and the other one. Regarding my upper limbs, the left side is the BIID one. However, it is the right side for my lower limbs (although, just like you don’t consider your left hand thing to be real BIID, I don’t regard my right leg occasional impairment desire as belonging to my BIID, or not in the same way as my left hand in any case). Anyhow, I can also pretend not having a right arm, this doesn’t seem wrong to me, even if, for practical reasons, I’d better have a right arm and hand and no left hand (or arm), since my right side is extremely dominant (that is, for upper limbs, and it is just the other way round for my lower limbs!). Between upper body versus lower body, and left side versus right side, any combination might exist in different people…