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I’m a Bit Daft
Written by Chloe on Wednesday, February 25, 2009
I’ll try not to regale you with too many skiing adventures, but I couldn’t pass up today’s (Feb 19th). It’s a big part of how I deal with BIID after all.
The little hurts from Friday the 13th all got back to normal within several days, apart from my neck. I’ve been wearing the neck brace at nights.
No skis after last week, so I had to rent some. Just walked in there with no crutch. Urgh! Their liability insurance didn’t allow them to set the bindings beyond standard expert level, and I told the guy that I needed them tighter than that with the way I ski. So he let me use the tool to turn them up a notch. That increases the probability of breaking a leg. Whatever.
After lunch I went for a 9.5 degree of difficulty. The chute starts from the very top of a mountain, 600ft higher than the highest chairlift, so it was a bit of a hike. The top of the chute starts with an almost sheer cliff. No exposed rocks, so not really that dangerous. Still, it took me ten minutes to get up the nerve to launch.
Afterwards I went into the mid mountain cafe for a latte. As I was entering, a woman walked out and gave me a concerned look. She asked "Are you okay?" I, puzzled, said "Yes. Why?" Apparently there was blood on my face. Must have been from the fall about a third of the way down the chute. I hadn’t noticed.
After a couple of high speed runs I decided to go back to the jump I had attempted on Friday the 13th. I was planning to do the descending traverse approach, like normal people do. However, when I got there I spontaneously decided to do the schuss approach, like last week. About halfway down the schuss a ski came off. Unbelievable!!!! Just like last week. And I can’t believe I did this… Again… Since I’d ignored the message the universe was sending last week, it sent me the same message again. I was going slower than last week, because I was only halfway down, so the ski was not buried so deep in the snow. I found it in about ten minutes.
Then I continued the bottom half of the schuss and did the jump. Yeah, don’t bother telling me I’m a bit daft; I already know it. I landed on my right hand, bending it sharply over. My wrist hurts a lot and it makes loud clicking noises when I bend it. It’s not a big deal. Just triggered a fibromyalgia episode there I think. That’s why I have wrist braces. Didn’t hurt anything else in particular.
So, I have no control over how I land from this jump. It will simply be a random body part that hits first. As with last week, If I’d completed the full schuss approach to the jump…
After another high speed run, my left thigh couldn’t take any more and I went home. Now I had to tell my partner… Again…
She think’s I’m a danger to myself. I can’t argue with that. She thinks I’m going to kill myself up there. She asked me to put myself in her position. I know. It’s not fair to her. I’m angry at myself for putting her through this. I know she wonders if she’ll see me again, every time I go skiing. I was crying all the time we were talking about this. I’m letting my emotions dictate everything I do about BIID. I’m not thinking rationally about it. Somehow I need to get rid of the sense of desperation about it. I don’t know how. I need help. Help!
Tags: BIID, Blood, Crutch, Desperation, Neck Brace, Wrist Braces
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1 On 25 February, 2009, Ada said:
“Somehow I need to get rid of the sense of desperation about it. I don’t know how. I need help. Help!”
Hugs Chloe! Despair is hard to shake. I don’t know how either. We all need help, and yet there is no help, at least not what we *need*. But we will press on, won’t we! And maybe someday….
Thanks for this post!
Don’t kill yourself on the slopes, it’s always a pleasure to read your thoughts :)