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I Found a Devotee
Written by Chloe on Saturday, February 27, 2010
Umm… Okay, this is going to be weird; and pretty personal too. I’m having a hard time bending my mind around all this. But I’m committed to being open here, and this is what happened yesterday evening:
I went out to dinner with a group of friends. I am flirtatious with some of my friends, and some of them are flirtatious with me. It’s fun, and that’s usually as far as it goes. One of my friends in this group, and I, have been mutually flirtatious for about a year. That’s as far as it went… until yesterday.
She came to sit next to me on the couch as we were all getting ready to head out to the restaurant. It was a double leg brace double crutch evening; no wheelchair. "I like your leg braces", she said. After a pause I said "Oh". Then she said "I’d like to see you naked except for your braces." I paused again, trying to process this. Nobody had ever said anything like this to me before. "They are a turn on", she continued. "Really? Why?" I asked. She couldn’t give a reason. I suppose it’s like asking me why I think I’m supposed to be paralysed. Ultimately it just is so.
At the restaurant she came to sit at my left side again. After a while her hand found its way to my left thigh. She knew how to touch with just the right amount of pressure to produce that diffuse tingling sensation which is so erotic. She knew I wouldn’t feel it at all if it was too light a touch. I told her that tingling sensation was very erotic for me. "I know", she said. I looked at her, thinking "What! How could she possibly know this?"
She answered my unspoken question by reminding me of her own spinal cord injury. I knew about it already. She knew about mine; both Winter sports. She knows all about the BIID too, and is very understanding and supportive. I hadn’t been connecting the dots correctly because I was making an unquestioned assumption about myself. I had assumed that the eroticism of the diffuse tingling sensation must be due to my BIID. Surely it was because I associated the sensory loss with the comfort of who I am supposed to be. But my friend doesn’t have BIID… What she does have is residual paresis and sensory loss rather similar to mine. She was explicit about the tingling sensation being erotic for her too.
Wow! I didn’t know about this. I didn’t know that people with major, but not total, sensory loss experience a relatively high pressure touch with enhanced eroticism. Is this true for anyone? I have absolutely no idea. It is true for me, with BIID, and it is true for my friend, without BIID. So maybe BIID is completely irrelevant to this.
Her hand wandered to the straps and metal embracing my thigh. She became obviously sexually aroused. Er, yes, this was still at the dinner table. Meanwhile, I was having beer and pizza. I’m starting to think that maybe my life is a bit strange after all. What happened next was even stranger.
My own leg braces are not erotic for me. Other people’s leg braces are not erotic for me. But apparently it is a massive turn on for me when someone else is turned on by my leg braces.
When I wrote "Devotee Devotee?" this was not exactly what I had in mind. I was thinking that devotees are pretty cool, and it was nice that there are people out there who would enjoy my leg braces. But in truth I am indeed a devotee of devotees. Being with a devotee is a huge sexual turn on for me.
What! What did I just say? How come there are so many things about this BIID journey which are a complete surprise? In my mind I had even categorised "devotee" and "lesbian" as mutually exclusive categories; for no particular reason; just social naivety. Nor had I imagined that my first devotee encounter would be with someone I already knew quite well.
I’m having a really difficult time understanding the psychology of all this. How is it possible that I am not sexually aroused by leg braces, on me or anybody else; yet the sexual arousal of a devotee touching my leg braces is itself sexually arousing to me? Why? I don’t get it. Does it have anything at all to do with BIID? Would I get sexually aroused in the same way if I wore leg braces but didn’t have BIID? It is so hard to imagine not having BIID. Do other people experience these things the way I do? I can’t answer any of these questions.
I am simply awed by magnificent diversity, and blow a kiss to all you leg brace devotees.
Tags: BIID, Devotee, Erotic, Leg Braces, Paresis, Sensory Loss
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6 Comments
2 On 27 February, 2010, art5080 said:
Chloe,
You have insights to the devotee that few can express or even experience. I’ll just say that some of the ‘enhancements’ you speak of DO happen to those wearing braces or to even using a chair.
Somehow, I follow your thought processes. Of course
it is nice to hear you say that you are a ‘devotee of devotees’. I’d really never conceptualized that view in
just those words. Well put!
I do have to admit it is this
‘magnificent diversity’ that totally intrigues me, too.
/Art
I agree that many things about this BIID journey are a great suprise, as you phrased it.
It’s interesting to know that you’re into people who are into your leg braces. Haha. I’m glad that you don’t think all devs are creepy.
This is my first time commenting on this blog although I read it regularly. I find myself confused and intrigued all the time about my own dev/biid feelings as well.
Again I question myself- I get aroused when I have my braces on, I admire myself in store windows when I’m in the wheelchair. If I could live my life in braces and use the wheelchair daily, my heart wouldn’t be broken. Yeah- I’m damn sexy in my gear- I love it, want to live in it! I’m gorgeous in my gear! So again I question my motives: BIID? Medical equipment fetish? Devotee? Or is it just a freakin’ weird-ass hobby?
Whenever I look into the shop windows or mirrors as I wheel, I say to myself: “Yeah- that’s me- that’s the way I should be”. This enforces the BIID component. Additionally, when I finish lacing the thighs on my KAFOs I usually have a raging erection- which makes me think this is just a fetish. Damn! Lots of facets to this jewel, aren’t there?
So far, I haven’t found a f**k buddy interested in my gear (as far as I know…), but there was one instance at a restaurant where a pre-pubescent boy couldn’t keep his eyes off of me…
It sounds like you have an interesting opportunity, though!
Exactly a week after my devotee experience, circumstances provided me with something of a control experiment. My non-devotee boyfriend of over a year came to stay the night. I paid conscious attention to what was turning me on, what was not, and why. He knows very well about pressure on my left thigh causing the diffuse tingling sensation which I find erotic. He saved this for later in the evening, when the two of us were alone together. It really seems like this is a physiological phenomenon resulting from rewiring after nerve damage.
Earlier in the evening the three of us spent plenty of time together having dinner, watching a movie, and talking. Alicia and my boyfriend were sitting on the couch. I was in my wheelchair at the left end of the couch, next to my boyfriend. I was also wearing both leg braces. He had his hand on my right leg, and brace, a good deal of the time, particularly around the knee pad and adjoining upper outer metal upright. The physical circumstance was not that different from the week before, yet I experienced zero sexual arousal from it. The difference is that my boyfriend’s motivation for touching my brace is to reassure me that he is perfectly accepting of my hardware. There is nothing about someone touching my braces that is inherently a turn on for me. It HAS to be the touch of a devotee for me to find it sexually arousing.
@Gravity: What you say does indeed make sense. I’m not particularly self confident in sexual matters and it is always a pleasant surprise when someone finds me sexually attractive. Can those good feelings account for my reaction to my brace being touched by a devotee? I don’t know.
@Art: Sounds like we have a mutual appreciation society. :o)
@Claudia: Welcome to commenting. Hope we shall hear more from you. Life is confusing.
@MarkC: It’s not easy to figure it all out. My hobbies: skiing, wearing leg braces, hiking, being in a wheelchair, ethnolinguistics, hanging out with devotees, climatology. Hmm…
I feel it would be inappropriate for me to continue with this thread much further, on account of sexually explicit material. However, I will just say that being with a lesbian leg brace devotee is a LOT of fun, and a big turn on for me.
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1 On 27 February, 2010, Gravity said:
It’s an interesting question. I’ve come to the conclusion, after a few instances of unrequited love (both ways round), that even if you’re not necessarily attracted to someone, it’s very easy to feel a reciprocal attraction to someone who’s crazy about you.
I apologise, that doesn’t make a great deal of sense.
If you’ve got someone there who clearly thinks you’re marvellous/sexy/whatever it’s a massive boost to your confidence, and you feel good. That person = good. I think.