you said: “So, then I felt the need to pretend embarrassment, or at least to not appear happy”.

How many of our feelings and expressions are learnt, not spontaneous and from our own heart? “I should feel like this or that”, isn’t that a thought one often has?

I think it is very difficult and one of the central tasks of life to find out what I truly feel in my own heart and what I truly think in my own mind (and what I truly want from my own person).

Hi Chloe, I find it is natural that after having done something with courage, courage grows and you do more and more. Courage is like a muscle: using it makes it stronger.

As a teen I noticed a man at a craft fair who was wearing a prominent back brace, but he seemed happy or proud instead of embarrassed. That was unexpected enough, but the weirdest part was how I felt; how I wanted to stare more and learn what his experience was like, partly because of his obvious not-un-happiness.

Flash forward to a pretending outing in my 20s, using elbow crutches at the mall for the first time. A woman who worked there told me, “You look like you’re having fun.” So, then I felt the need to pretend embarrassment, or at least to not appear happy, and that was awful, because it meant hiding my true feelings, which were of liberation and exhilaration.

Another time (different presentation), a friendly woman my age asked straight out about my injury, and I was so unprepared that I just shut down the conversation. She felt bad about having her friendliness rejected, and I felt bad about being the cause of it. The worst part was, talking about my ‘condition’ in such a way was exactly what I *wanted* to do with this person. Arg.

Such are some of the tortures of BIID. I imagine they closely parallel some of the tortures of a traditional disability.

I do not know if the “virus” can be passed that way, because I have always been fascinated by disabilities. But you cannot keep children away from the world. Children can often deal better with other people’s disabilities than adults. There is one story from my childhood when my sister and I were quite young (5?). We visited some relatives and there was someone who had just had a face operation because of cancer. He was embarrassed about it and I’m sure some of the adults didn’t know how to treat him. When my parents came in with their children, he wanted to leave the room. But my mom (who is able to deal with such stuff relatively well) told him to stay. Before that she had told us kids that Uncle X might look a bit strange because of some operation and so on. The only thing that happened was that my sister and I looked at him, said hello to him like to all the others and that was it. My sister took a closer look and asked: “Do you always look like that?” Then the topic was over for us. We children were not scared. I do not remember feeling incomfortable.

The only thing people with disabilities/BIID can do to children is inspire them. Should they ever have BIID in the future, we will not be the cause, because I cannot believe BIID just pops into your mind. There are other, deeper reasons, not just seeing someone in a wheelchair or with an amputation or so. The only thing that can happen is that this child can take a closer look and learn. That’s it.

Just wanted to highlight this: “Twenty years from now, there will be someone posting here: “I have this vivid memory from early childhood…”, as I sometimes wonder what my “pretending” might do to others, especially kids. Some kids tend to look heavily and seem fascinated, and, really, I found myself thinking, in such occasions, did I pass him/her the “virus”? And I feel guilty when this happens… huuuh

Now, about the childhood memories I have to say that I have them too. They’re like photographs, very well kept on my mind.
It’s strange to think in certain situations as they leave a scar so deep in us and then it starts something that never goes away…