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Home / Thoughts / Other's Thoughts / Chloe's Thoughts / Heavy Metal: Part 2

Heavy Metal: Part 2

Written by Chloe on Wednesday, October 1, 2008

I have been surrounding myself with heavy metal on our road trip: music, leg braces, and wheelchair. The adventure continues.

DAY 3

This morning it is my turn to open the door for breakfast while my naked partner hides in the bathroom. The wheelchair is working well to get around the hotel room.

Today we are going to a museum. I do my usual thing of wearing a push up bra with a very revealing very sexy camisole. Urgh! What is it with this need to be so hot and sexy whenever I’m paralysed?

The wheelchair is a lot more difficult to get in and out of my partner’s car than my SUV. I can do it from the sitting position with my car. I have to stand to get it in and out of my partner’s car. That means my best option is to wear leg braces whenever we are going somewhere in her car, regardless of whether the wheelchair comes or not. I figure I’ll leave the wheelchair behind… Wrong! At the last minute I cannot bear to leave the poor little wheelchair all by itself in the hotel room. It will get lonely. Oh, did I say that out loud?

As I wheel into the museum, the very first exhibit we see is… a wheelchair! How cool is that! I’m glad I brought the wheelchair. It is easier to get around the museum this way.

At the end of the day, getting ready for bed, I take off my leg braces and then spontaneously get up out of the wheelchair. I walk to the bathroom to brush my teeth, and stuff. My partner says "I don’t want you to take this wrong, but it’s nice to see you walk". I know it makes her sad not seeing me walk much any more.

DAY 4

I am awake at 3 a.m., feeling guilty about having BIID. This is silly. After all this psychotherapy I should have reached self acceptance about it. Sometimes I am unable to escape the feeling that what I am doing is really strange. I spent most of my childhood desperately wanting to be normal. I still want to be normal. Ha! Fat chance! At dinner last night my partner asked me if I understood what this is like for her. No, I don’t understand. I don’t understand what it’s like to not have BIID. I start crying… I have told quite a few of my friends about my BIID. Most of them have expressed horror at the idea of being paralysed. Some of them have said they would rather kill themselves than live in a wheelchair. I don’t understand. My friends love me, and are supportive, but how much do we understand each other? I am grateful to the people who will read these thoughts. They will understand what I’m doing; what I’m feeling; what I’m thinking… What am I doing to my partner? She said last night that it is hard for her to touch my leg and feel the braces. She is sad for me that I have to wear them. She said that it is hard for her to see me in a wheelchair. It makes her sad that I need a wheelchair. What am I doing to my partner? I feel guilty about what I am doing to her. She wakes up and goes to the bathroom. When she returns I say "I love you; you’re wonderful". She says "I love you too". I go back to sleep.

In the morning my partner says that she sees how difficult things are for me in a wheelchair. I ask her what she means. She is talking about all the practical difficulties of getting around. I hardly ever think about this stuff any more. I just accept it and get on with things. She says it doesn’t seem like any fun at all. Well, I don’t do it because it’s fun. I do it because I have to. But it can be fun anyway.

We are off on another long car drive today. I’m wearing a plain T-shirt. I’m thinking that I need to wean myself off showing cleavage all the time. I’m using it as a psychological crutch. Besides, come winter my titties will get frozen off! In addition I need to be wearing the back brace more of the time, and I feel like a freak if it is visible. Why does a back brace make me feel like a freak, but leg braces don’t? It doesn’t make any sense.

I enjoy chatting with the guy who brings us breakfast in the room. By now he knows exactly what to do when I answer the door in the wheelchair. He knows exactly how to position the table so that it works for me. I’m gradually learning how to explain to people politely exactly what my needs are.

At the first rest stop on our drive, the restrooms are some distance from the parking. We walk past a boy in his early teens sitting on a bench. He stares at me like I am an alien from another planet! Fortunately I seem to be immune from being bothered by such things.

After nine hours of driving we arrive at the motel where my partner has booked us an accessible room for the week. I go to check us in. The only available rooms are on the second floor up stairs. Gotta be kidding me! I’m pissed off. My partner is pissed off. We go motel hunting and find one that looks promising. Their "wheelchair accessible" room is not available, but they have one that is "handicapped accessible". I say that will work just fine; after all I can get around with just the leg braces. The room is great! I can bring the wheelchair parallel to the toilet, and there are two transfer rails. The shower has three well placed transfer rails, AND there is a shower seat too. I am looking forward to this.

There is a fridge and a microwave in the room. We are planning to hang out in the room tomorrow, so we take a trip to the grocery store. I decide to use just the leg braces. I’m in a good mood. While shopping, I practice direction changes using a double heel swivel. I wouldn’t want to try that without both crutches!

DAY 5

I wake up feeling grateful about the nicely accessible room; grateful that so much progress has been made. I think about all the accessibility discussions I have had with my friend who was paralysed in 1952. Fifty years have seen a ton of changes.

Last night, instead of the usual routine of taking off the leg braces while in the wheelchair, I took them off while on the bed. So this morning I have the leg braces leaning against the bedside table, and no wheelchair. This allows space for my partner, who got up a little while ago, to come around to my side of the bed and give me a morning kiss and hug. She says "My crippled wife, I love you". There is nothing derogatory here. It is an endearing acknowledgement of our joint perception of the situation. I appreciate it.

Somebody knew what they were doing designing this bathroom. The shower seat is very stable, and the transfer goes fine. One of the rails is in the perfect spot to help support myself with my left arm. I am assuming that I will have some paralysis in the lower torso. My left hand is still free to unscrew the shampoo bottle, etc. My partner left the shower head in the position for someone seated. Sometimes I am amazed at the little details she thinks of to help me out.

I spend the entire day completely naked, with the exception of back brace and leg braces. This is a new and interesting experience! I laugh at myself in the mirror.

I’m sitting in a chair posting comments on transabled.org, and I want to go get myself another glass of wine. Without looking, I make a grab for the wheels. There are none! I’m not in my wheelchair.

DAY 6

We have lunch with a couple of my friends. I have a lot of friends here. I lived in this area from 1979 to 1991, and again from 2001 to 2003. I’m in both wheelchair and leg braces for lunch. I told these friends about BIID three months ago. No big deal; the subject doesn’t even come up. We have other things to talk about.

After lunch we go to a shopping center. My partner wants to get her nails done. I wheel around and get a latte in the meantime. I notice my reflection in the shop windows. I really am convinced that my breasts look much bigger when I’m in a wheelchair. It must be the angle of the torso and the position of the arms. I wonder if other wheelchair chicks find this too?

This evening we are going out to dinner with a married couple who have been my friends since 1981. I haven’t told them about BIID. We are going over to their house first for a glass of wine before dinner. Their house is massively inaccessible. I have stayed at their house many times. They have three kids too. I don’t want to explain about BIID while their kids are around, and if I had actually been seriously paralysed I would have told them about it by now. So I take off the leg braces, but bring the wheelchair and crutches in the car for dinner. When we get to their house I just get out of the car and walk. Argh, this feels so wrong!

The husband is not home from work yet, so the three of us have some girl talk. I ask my friend about her volunteer job, teaching horse riding to children with disabilities. The husband comes home, still with a slight limp from breaking a bone in a bicycle accident last December. After talking about some other things, I ask him how he’s doing with that injury. Then they ask me about my recent injuries: my back injury, including the reinjury in March; and my hiking injury from last year. They already know all about them, so there’s not much to update. Everything that is not recovered by now is permanent. We go around the table, recalling all our broken bones. I have the most, with six. Since their kids are around at the house I can’t bring up BIID.

When we are ready to go to dinner, they want to drive us in their car. I can’t just suddenly say "Wait, my wheelchair is in our car!". Ugh! I have to go to dinner without my wheelchair. As we go into the restaurant, I check out the wheelchair ramps longingly. Throughout dinner I am looking for conversation that could lead to BIID, without my just having to bring it up out of the blue. It never happens. On the way back to their house they bring up my back injury again. They have assumed that I am not going to be able to ski again. They know that physicians have told me that I should never ski again since I could become paraplegic. I tell my friends that I am going to keep skiing anyway. They suggest coming to stay at our house and go skiing with me. I tell them that’s a great idea. In parting, they comment how I’ll still be skiing even if I become paraplegic and it’s "wheelchair skiing".

Tags: Accessibility, Back Brace, Back Injury, BIID, Crutches, Leg Braces, Paralysis, Paraplegic, Wheelchair