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Blog > Thoughts > Other's Thoughts > Chloe's Thoughts > Heavy Metal: Part 1

Heavy Metal: Part 1

Written by Chloe on Tuesday, September 23, 2008

My partner and I just got back from a two week road trip together. I brought my wheelchair, and I also brought my leg braces (KAFOs). It seemed like a good opportunity to experience the relative merits of the different assistive devices in various circumstances.

DAY 1

I roll over in bed and kiss my partner. I think that she puts up with a lot from me. I am grateful for this.

I go to our computer to check my e-mail and the latest on transabled.org. My partner has put in a new picture for when the computer starts up. It is from our opera trip twenty four days ago. That was the last time I wore leg braces. It has been the longest break in a year or so. The wheelchair has captured my recent attention. I am touched that my partner evidently likes this picture. I particularly like the way that the crutch complements my appearance.

The only way the wheelchair fits in my partner’s car with all the luggage is for it to be underneath her big suitcase. Leg braces will be obligatory today. I think about what my partner recently said about why people stare at me more when I’m wearing leg braces than when I’m in a wheelchair. She said I walk like a tarantula! Hmm, good job I’m not self conscious about this. As usual, I wear a long black skirt to cover up as much as possible, while still being practical.

I’ll not be forgetting incontinence protection in quite a while. I had "accidents" both yesterday and the day before; unprotected on each occasion.

I ask my partner if she’s bringing her swimsuit in case there’s a pool. She says yes. I am about to pack mine when I say "Oh, I can’t go swimming if I’m paralysed!". Of course, people do in fact go swimming. However, I don’t think I am yet ready for a pool to wheelchair transfer and make such a spectacle of myself. My bikini stays home.

After an hour or so of driving, my partner cranks up The Beach Boys. I settle into the comfort of being enveloped by the delicious harmonies, enveloped by my partner’s love, enveloped by leg braces. My partner reaches out her hand to stroke my thigh, feeling the brace underneath my skirt. I have no sensation there, but I am turned on by watching. I drift into sleep.

I need to pee. At the rest stop the left knee won’t lock. I forgot some of the little details. After I’ve been sitting for a long time the left knee pad strap sometimes gets caught in the joint. It’s easily fixed. I figure one crutch should be fine. I use one, two, or none, depending on the circumstance. Somehow my braces get caught on the toilet seat. Dammit I need to be more careful and watch what I’m doing! There’s lots of people in the convenience store where the restroom is, but nobody seems to be staring.

My partner cranks up Elvis Presley now. I put my hand on her thigh. She puts her hand on my hand. Tears well up as I think about how much I appreciate her. She doesn’t complain about the wheelchair or leg braces. It must be a pain in the ass for her.

At the hotel I get into the wheelchair. I like being in leg braces and the wheelchair at the same time. Fortuitously they lock into each other so that I am unable to move my legs at all. This helps with my self image. I check in. We hadn’t booked an accessible room, but they give us one without me asking. This is my first time in an accessible room.

We are in a celebratory mood so we go to a fancy restaurant at the large hotel/casino where we are staying. As we are taken to be seated someone just grabs the wheelchair handles without asking and tries to push me, to seat me at the table. He clearly doesn’t know what he is doing, and he has no clue how to maneuver the chair appropriately. I know exactly how to maneuver with precision, and it’s MUCH easier if nobody tries to help. I am furious! What I want to say is "Back the fuck off! Get away from me!". I don’t say anything at all. I absolutely hate confrontational conversation. He gets the idea that things are not going well anyway, so he lets go of the handles. However he is still lurking behind me, exactly in the spot I need to back into in order to make the appropriate maneuver. Argh!! I need to be able to say things directly, while still being polite.

I soon calm down and we have an absolutely wonderful time at dinner. The food is fabulous. I love the company of my partner. Being in the wheelchair and leg braces enables me to just be in the moment, enjoying my partner and the food without any intrusive BIID thoughts.

Back in the hotel room after dinner I feel very happy wheeling around. I tell my partner "Thanks for putting up with me". She says "For what?" I say "Wheelchairs and stuff". She says "No problem".

I take off my clothes and leg braces, ready to go to bed. I wheel past the full length mirror on the way to the bathroom and stop to look. I say "I think my breasts look enormous when I’m in a wheelchair". My partner says "I think your breasts look enormous anyway". (Actually, my breasts are not enormous).

DAY 2

I slept really well in the very comfortable bed. My partner is up already, in the bathroom. I ponder the transfer to the wheelchair from the unfamiliar bed. I can’t find anything on the bed to grab on to, but I scoot into a reasonable position anyway. Damn! I forgot to set the brakes last night. I quickly push myself back on the bed before the chair rolls too far. I lean over, pull the chair back, and set the closest brake; I can’t reach the far one. As soon as I am in the wheelchair I immediately have a sense of relief from regaining my mobility.

I can’t help but stop and look at myself in the mirror again on the way to the bathroom. My partner is blow drying her hair. There are no transfer rails for the toilet, even though this is supposed to be an accessible room. I give some thought, but I can’t figure out a way to transfer to the toilet without cheating. Since I already cheated with the toilet, I stand on the bathroom scales my partner brought for the trip. As I weigh myself, I wonder how on earth I am going to do this when I am paralysed.

Back in the chair, I use the coffee maker in the bathroom. As it’s brewing we chat about the bathroom. Not only is it not great for a wheelchair, it is also not great for two lipstick lesbians with their quantities of make up, etc. When the coffee is done, I stuff the ceramic mug between my thighs to wheel back into the bedroom. It is too hot so I set it back down. My partner offers to take it for me. Back in the bedroom I am thinking about the sensation of heat I just felt. I am remembering that my psychotherapist had asked me about how much heat sensation I have in my left thigh. I didn’t know; so I decide to check it out with the mug, while the coffee is cooling down a bit. I do feel heat on the inner surface of the thigh. I put the mug back between the thighs to compare them. There is definitely a lesser sensation of heat in the left thigh. I do it several times to be sure. There is no translocation of the sensation, as there is with cold. The top surface of the thigh is completely insensitive to heat. I feel nothing at all there. The outer surface is the same as the inner surface.

I’m still playing with my thighs when there is a knock at the door. It is our breakfast. I am almost naked so I scramble to hide in the bathroom. The wide door is nice for getting in, but the downside is that it’s not easy to shut once you’re in. After some very rapid trial and error, and banging around, I find that the only solution is for the wheelchair to be flush against the washbasin, which is directly opposite the door. There is extremely little clearance.

My partner says that she is freaking out about what she is going to wear this evening. I tell her that I have been freaking out about what I am going to wear too. We are going to a heavy metal concert in the auditorium that is part of the hotel/casino where we are staying. It’s my partner’s favorite band. I’ve never been to a heavy metal concert before, so I don’t have a clue what one is supposed to wear. My partner advised me on this a month or so ago. She said that I should definitely wear my leg braces, and leave them mostly visible. She bought me a new ruffly short black skirt for the occasion. This is what I’m nervous about. I always wear a conservative long skirt to hide most of the braces. I’m not an exhibitionist. This will be my first time outside our home showing most of the braces. I’m worried about getting a huge amount of stares.

We are hanging out in the room for most of the day, so I take a little nap. Before I doze off I notice that I have calluses on both of my thumbs. I suppose this must be normal; I don’t know. I still feel so ignorant about wheeling.

It’s time to get ready for the concert. I’m glad that I had a couple of glasses of wine with lunch, which we had in our room around 3 p.m. I’m wearing a very sexy very revealing black bustier. My hope is that people will stare at my highly visible boobs rather than at my highly visible leg braces. I’m glad that my partner is with me. I would not do this if I was alone.

Off we go to the concert; just leg braces and crutches, no wheelchair. As soon as we leave our room my nervousness vanishes. I feel that I exude well being and self confidence. I am not at all self conscious. I feel REALLY comfortable. Sometimes I surprise myself.

As we walk through the casino to the auditorium, my partner compliments me on how I look. She says that I look well put together, and very cool. I am feeling like a hard core heavy metal chick. I probably crashed my Harley into a tree. I’m not noticing any excessive staring at all. I comment on this to my partner. She agrees. She thinks it’s because my leg braces are so very visible and obvious. People can take it all in with just one glance. When I’m covering things up with a long skirt, people may have to look more to figure out why I’m walking strangely.

During the concert my partner points out that all the metal accessories adorning the lead singer’s legs make it look like leg braces. I am feeling nicely accessorised. I fit right in. My leg braces are so totally heavy metal.

Tags: BIID, Braces, Crutches, Incontinence, KAFOs, Leg, Leg Braces, Paralysed, Wheelchair

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