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Guest Speaker Reveals All
Written by Chloe on Monday, September 28, 2009
My friend, a psychology professor, and I arrived simultaneously at the doors of the university building. She offered to open them for me. I said that it’s okay, I’ll do it. They were surprisingly difficult. We both burst out laughing at the mess I was making of the task. This was good because it made the first little dent in my nervousness. No, let’s call it how it is. It was raw fear of what I was about to undertake. I had been shaking while sitting in the car, before transferring to my wheelchair.
Shortly after I started talking, the students were giving me rapt attention; and several of them looked like they had blown a few circuits. Later on some of them volunteered that, since I had been introduced as a chemist who worked at the psychiatric hospital, they were expecting a boring lecture on the chemistry of neurotransmitters, and were hoping I would keep it short so that they could go home early. They had been given absolutely no warning of what the guest speaker was actually going to be talking about.
I should back up a bit. The previous week my friend had asked me if I would talk to her clinical psychology class about my experience with gender issues and BIID. I said yes immediately. The sense of obligation outweighed the sense of terror. I had done scary things before, and I would do them again.
I had planned to plan what I would talk about. That plan didn’t work out. I had the date wrong in my diary. I thought I still had two days to think about what to say, when my psychology professor friend called me to remind me that I would be giving my presentation shortly. In other words, I needed to get my ass right on over there. So much for planning.
I had planned to dress a little more conservatively. It turned out that I was wearing my infamous above knee hot pink skirt. I had planned to start the talk in my comfort zone of psychological issues associated with gender ambiguity. Five minutes before starting, I spontaneously made the executive decision to launch right into BIID. So much for planning.
It’s obvious to everybody when one is very nervous talking in front of a group. One of my techniques to defuse this is to talk about my nervousness and to explain it. I said that I was about to disclose something about myself that I had never before shared with a group of people I had only just met. This kind of admission immediately gets people on your side and helps dissipate the nervousness.
I talked about BIID in general, and my case in particular, for about ten minutes; and then I burst out laughing. I was struck by the intensity and seriousness with which everybody was listening to me. Okay, perhaps I am easily amused. I commented on people’s expressions. It turned out that only one of them had ever heard of this before and they were absolutely enthralled to be hearing about something new and interesting, especially from the horse’s mouth.
With the ice thus broken, there followed a long and lively discussion with a constant flow of questions from my captive audience. The gender issues came up in a natural way when someone asked about how my family had reacted to my BIID. It seemed appropriate to explain how I came to be married to a woman.
I let the questions guide the direction of the discussion, which was good since I hadn’t prepared anything. There were a LOT of questions, and I couldn’t possibly cover it all in a post so I’m not going to try. A large majority of the discussion was about BIID. I’d say about 80% BIID and 20% gender issues. I just let things flow wherever the interest was. The most intimate questions were about gender issues: my genital surgeries, my sexuality pre and post surgery. A lot of questions were prefaced with the option of not responding if I felt uncomfortable. They soon learned that I would answer absolutely every question with complete honesty. The only question that caused me to shut my eyes and take a deep breath before replying was to describe the psychological state that made me vulnerable to sexual abuse when I was nineteen.
There came a point when I was asked if I minded demonstrating that I could walk. I quickly saw that it was important for me to do this in front of these future psychotherapists. I had already encountered people who pretty much refused to believe that I could walk despite the fact of my having told them explicitly that I can. It seemed that the visual image of me walking would be very powerful. They would remember that I nevertheless prefer to spend most of my life in a wheelchair, because of the psychological benefits. I walked a little circle in between the tables and chairs at which the eight students were seated.
My walking demonstration sparked an interest in the mechanics of my leg brace. I explained the function of the spring in the ankle joint, and showed them how the knee joint was locked and unlocked. I was now glad to be wearing an above knee skirt. After I had sat back down, interest was expressed in seeing the upper part of the brace. I wheeled back out into the middle and hiked my skirt all the way up to show them the thigh straps, and how far the metal supports went. No, I’m not shy about my body; but I was glad I’d chosen my sexy black garter belt to hold up my stockings. It was appreciated.
After much discussion it was clear that everybody was quite comfortable with the topic of BIID. One of the students said he had something that he wanted to share with the group. He said that since childhood, and continuing up to the present, he had felt that it was his destiny to become a double leg amputee. He showed us the exact line just above his knees, where he felt that both of his legs should end. He said that any time he saw a leg amputee, he felt that he was going to be like that, and that he would be happy like that. This came from someone who had never heard of BIID before. This came from someone who had not imagined there was anyone else in the world who had thoughts like these. This was the first time he had ever shared these thoughts with another person… Wow… WOW!!!
One of the interesting questions was about what would be the single most important thing that they could do, as future psychotherapists, to help people with BIID. I said that they should treat people with disabilities as their equals. I don’t know if this is the right answer, but it was what spontaneously came out of my mouth. It seemed to be an answer they were not expecting, and it provoked a good deal of introspection. They’d had plenty of time to observe me before I started talking about BIID. The evening class had begun with each of the students giving a short presentation that they had been working on; and then there was a half hour snack break. I had already been interacting with them for two hours before I started my spiel. They were very honest and forthcoming about the prejudices they had formed about me on account of being in a wheelchair. Some had to admit that they had seen me as less than equal. Some admitted that one of their first thoughts was they were glad it was me and not them who was in the wheelchair. I was glad that what I had said inspired them to think more deeply about this.
This led to a discussion about how I like to be treated as a person with a disability. How and when should ABs offer help? What are the circumstances when I do or do not accept help or ask for help?
My impression was that this was a very sophisticated and open minded group of people. My scheduled 90 minute slot turned into well over two hours. I had no idea I could entertain people for such a length of time. There was no end to the questions about BIID, and nobody seemed inclined to leave. I hope I gave the impression that I am intelligent and rational; and that I am not delusional.
After we were done, people came over to thank me individually and I got plenty of hugs. That’s good. I thrive on hugs.
My friend escorted me back to the car and thanked me profusely for giving such a great presentation. I was a bit startled. I have a major blind spot in being able to see how others perceive what I say or do. I asked her to explain what was great about it. She said that I have a knack of making others feel comfortable in my presence. She said that my ease in being emotionally open and honest brings it out in others. She gave me a big hug.
On the drive home I realised that I had just been the beneficiary of some powerful psychotherapy. I had laid my soul bare and vulnerable in front of strangers. In return I had received compassion, warmth and affection. BIID can be a wonderful gift for helping one connect with others.
Tags: Amputee, BIID, Disability, Gender, Leg Brace, Psychotherapy, Wheelchair
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13 Comments
2 On 28 September, 2009, Phil said:
Hi Chloe,
your text – I don’t know what to say – it is extraordinary, not the text, but what you did.
Only years ago, I would have read this text as fictional.
Talking about BIID, and then somebody in the audience has it, too. When reading, tears got in my eyes.
This student, have you invited him here and in the other groups, too?
Your courage is a model for me, an ideal which I won’t reach soon.
You did us all and the students such a big service. Nobody will ever be able to thank you enough for this.
It also shows that really STUDYING is not reading books and listening to theories, but confront each other with reality, being open, honest, authentic.
A big lesson also for me. Thank you. Thank you so much.
Chloe, you have amazed me ever since I stumbled into this little community. As of so far, one person in my life knows about my BIID. I’m hoping that I can make it more in the future, but for now, it’s just one very very close friend. I can’t imagine speaking to a group of strangers about such a thing. Thank you for sharing such a wonderful experience with all of us. I know it gives me strength to hold on for just a bit longer. My faith in humanity has been restored just a bit.
I should clarify that I don’t know for sure if that one student actually has BIID. I asked him explicitly whether he has a desire to become an amputee, and he said no. It was couched more in terms of being happy with his inevitable fate. Perhaps it’s a subtle distinction. I suspect his brain machinery has been working overtime this last week.
After the class he asked me for my e-mail address, which I gave him. I didn’t want to push him by suggesting internet sites. I felt he had some thinking to do and should come to things in his own time.
As for how common BIID is, I don’t think anyone has a clue. I didn’t tell anyone at all about this until I was in my fifties. How can one count all the people who have never told anyone? One also has to come up with precise definitions. I’ve lost count of the number of people I’ve told IRL, but it’s somewhere approaching a hundred. Of those, four have disclosed back some kind of BIID feelings. My guess is that there’s a whole spectrum, only a fraction of which would count as full blown BIID.
Congratulations for the courage, Chloe. I don’t know if I would be capable to do that. I hope so, someday.
6 On 3 October, 2009, Sophie said:
I sometimes wonder if people just assume BIID is rare because of how bizzare it is.
I truly appreciate the encouragement from you folks. It helps my determination to keep pushing the envelope. Thank you.
I have a question for you, mostly one of curiosity I guess.
I know there are all kinds of things at weigh into this, but I was wondering about it.
How many people with hermaphroditism choose to go female, and how many choose to go male, when they get to the point where they feel they want to make a choice?
Like I said, I know there all kinds of factors that weigh into this like personal feelings, how their family raised/assoicated with them, how society has treated them. etc.
I’m just wondering, in the end, what the percentages boil down to. If you have any idea.
Hi Ellen,
This is an interesting question, and one for which I have not seen data. The answer is necessarily going to be complicated because hermaphroditism encompasses a hundred or so different intersex conditions. Each intersex condition is going to have its own ratio of male to female gender identity.
Some conditions are pretty clear. Someone with Complete Androgen Insensitivity Syndrome (CAIS) will appear to be female, and will almost always have a female gender identity despite the presence of a Y chromosome. A large majority of, but by no means all, people with Klinefelter Syndrome (XXY chromosomes) identify as male.
Things get a lot more complicated though. Many intersex conditions do not present as a discrete entity but rather as a more or less continuous spectrum between typical male and typical female. An example would be Partial Androgen Insensitivity Syndrome (PAIS). In such cases it can be anybody’s guess as to what the gender identity will be.
A further complication is that there is no universal agreement as to where hermaphroditism ends and typical male or female begins. An example is Mild Androgen Insensitivity Syndrome (MAIS). In such cases one may be a slightly feminised male. Well, exactly how feminised does a male have to be in order to qualify as a hermaphrodite? Nobody can answer such a question. Nature does not fit into such nice little boxes.
Some hermaphrodites seem to have an intersex gender identity and may choose to live androgynously, neither male nor female.
Not all hermaphrodites choose to live in accord with their gender identity. For example, a hermaphrodite with male gender identity may have been given feminising genital surgery and feminising hormones as a child, both without appropriate informed consent. The prospect of reversing unwanted medical interventions can be quite formidable.
Oh, let’s not forget that multiple intersex conditions are more common than one might expect. Certain intersex conditions predispose one to have an additional different intersex condition. These can play in opposite directions with regard to gender identity.
No, I didn’t answer the question. Sorry! I think the answer is that it’s all over the place depending on the particular condition. Or maybe there just isn’t an answer?
10 On 28 October, 2009, Phil said:
Hi Chloe,
you wrote: “Some hermaphrodites seem to have an intersex gender identity and may choose to live androgynously, neither male nor female.”
Isn’t it more so that they are both, male AND female? How rich this must be!
Hi Phil,
Yes, I think the way you put it is much more accurate than the way I put it. Thank you for clarifying that.
Wow that’s great. It brings great joy to my heart to know that there are actually potential future psychologists who are being informed of this condition. Thats another positive point for us.
I must also congratulate you for being brave enough to share. I’m not sure I would be able to get up in front of a bunch of people and tell them about my BIID, when I haven’t even told my family (though sometimes it can be easier to tell people you don’t know about certain things as evidenced by me being here.)
Thank you Bryce. It was interesting for me to read this post again after almost a year. I had forgotten how scared I was to do this. I would not be nearly so fearful now. It really does get easier to disclose about BIID the more you do it.
Unfortunately my psychology professor friend left to pursue her career in another state not long after my presentation, so I haven’t had a repeat opportunity. You never know what will come up though.
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1 On 28 September, 2009, Anonymous said:
I am continuously in awe of your courage, Chloe. Maybe I’m feeling uncharacteristically optimistic, but someday there will be no lying, no shame, and less suffering. Someday we will be able to speak openly, without fear, without judgement. Someday we will be allowed legitimate and safe surgeries. Brave acts like this are helping us get there.
About the student who shared his desire to become an amputee… How rare do you think BIID truly is? If it is as rare as people think it is I think it would be highly unlikely that you spoke to a class with another BIIDer in it (unless this desire was part of the reason they wanted to study psychology, and even then…) How can we possibly estimate how many of us there are?