Blog > Thoughts > Other's Thoughts > Chloe's Thoughts > First Hike
First Hike
Written by Chloe on Sunday, May 24, 2009
It’s time for the first hike of the year. What will I think? What will I feel? I often have an intense internal dialog when I hike. It’s not that I’m insane. Right? I don’t say anything out loud. I don’t have multiple personality disorder. It’s just me talking to me. Everybody does it. Right? I’m not going to censor this.
There’s a latte place on the way to the trailhead. I can’t resist. I take the parking placard off the rear view mirror before I get there. There isn’t any accessible parking in any case; not a single spot. No, I don’t mean that they are in use. There just isn’t one. I always keep a crutch in the car, but I’m not going to use it. I’m going to walk in as if I was able bodied. Can I pull this off? I’m nervous. I get out of the car and just walk in. All of a sudden I feel SO self conscious. Huh? This is weird. I never get self conscious with a wheelchair or leg braces. How could I get self conscious just because people are going to perceive me as able bodied. It’s as if I’m faking it. "She’s obviously not really able bodied. She’s just pretending that she is".
There are six other cars in the trailhead parking lot. I doubt if I’ll see anybody though. Most people stick to the trails. I’m planning to bushwhack straight up that difficult looking ridge to see how far I can get.
I stop after 15 minutes. My left thigh is already causing trouble. That seems quick. Those fluttery little spasms in the quadriceps are going crazy. "Keep going you sissy".
There was clearly a big fire in the oak forest down here a few years ago. My imagination runs wild. "What if you were in a big forest fire, and you had to run really fast, and you couldn’t see where you were going because of the smoke, and you ran right off the edge of a cliff, and you became paraplegic". My eyes glance across at the ridge to the south, where there’s a nice cliff. I don’t have to wait too much longer before I find a cliff where I’m walking. It’s irresistable. I stand right at the edge. "How far down is that?" "A hundred feet". Hmm, hikers have fallen off hundred foot cliffs and survived, and become paraplegic. I lean over as far as I dare. Can’t see the bottom of the cliff. That means there’s an overhang. That’s good. That means you don’t hit anything on the way down… until those unforgiving rocks. Jumping a hundred feet onto rocks is a very different proposition from skiing twenty feet onto snow. Bad idea.
My left calf starts hurting. Huh? What’s with that. That hasn’t happened before. "Keep going, sissy".
Now I’m in the stream bed. It’s mostly dry right here, and it seems easier than the ridge. I’m surprised by a guy coming down the streambed towards me. We converse about where he’s been. He advises me to turn towards the ridge soon. He’d been up the ridge until it gets broad and very steep. Then he traversed the north side of the ridge until he couldn’t get through the snow any more. I follow his advice.
"Damn, my left leg is hurting!" "So you said. So what."
I can see where that guy must have traversed to the left. The thick forest of oak and maple ahead is very steep and looks impenetratable. I decide to go the opposite direction and head south for a bit. Ah, there’s an opening in the forest. Very steep, but looks doable. The forest seems interminable. There’s no way to figure out exactly where I am. I must be in a national forest, but I can’t even see the forest because there’s so many damn trees in the way. I keep looking back, hoping to remember a way down.
My calf hurts more and more. "Oh, shut up you whiny little bitch!"
The forest opens up eventually and I look around to get my bearings. There’s a big snow filled gully coming down from the ridge to the south, sprawling with blue spruce. Should be able to find that on the topographic map. Ah, there it is. So I’m on the ridge directly opposite. I am already well above the snow line on North facing slopes.
I go to the top of my ridge and peek over the North side. Yes, snow. Should be able to keep on going a while yet if I stick to traversing the south side of the ridge. But the brush becomes impenetratable and I have to get back to the top of the ridge. Suddenly I stop. Adrenalin shoots high. The ridge has become very narrow. There are cliffs on my right. The snow bank on the left is very steep. If I slipped I would not be able to stop until I crashed into a tree. "What are those trees anyway?" The needles are a much more yellowish green than the blue spruce. I look around. I’d just passed one right on the ridge. I go back to look at it. "Ah yes, a white fir".
I was postponing the inevitable. I have to step out onto that snowfield if I’m to get any further. If I crashed into one of those trees I could become paraplegic. "Stupid idea! If you became paraplegic out here nobody would find you and you’d freeze to death overnight. Don’t look down the slope; just look exactly where you are planting your feet; one step at a time".
Further up there’s another similar situation. "Fucking shit! This snowbank is so steep that I would pick up a tremendous amount of speed before crashing into a tree. I didn’t come up here to die." One step at a time.
"How come my left leg is hurting so much? The shitload of naproxen I took to make sure the fibromyalgia was under control isn’t touching it". "Why don’t you just shut the fuck up about that! Keep going".
The ridge broadens out again. Now there’s snow everywhere. Can’t avoid it. It’s cold too. I fish out a T-shirt and put it on over my tank top. Okay there’s a big snowfield to get through, but it doesn’t look that difficult…
I’m getting really cold. This snowfield is bigger than it looked from the edge. The little finger of my left hand is already numb. I put on a sweater, and my winter wheeling gloves with the leather palms. As soon as I put on the gloves I realise I forgot something. I forgot to buddy tape my finger like the the good doctor said. He said if I redislocated it, then I might as well have it amputated right away since it would be beyond reahabilitation. I spontaneously decide not to buddy tape it again. "If I redislocate it I’ll just have it amputated… It’s about time I had something amputated anyway". "WHAT! What did you just say?" "You heard". "You are so fucking weird". "So?"
"Will this snowfield never end?" "Keep going, girl". "WHY? Why do I have to keep going? Why can’t I just turn back?" "You always keep going". "You are such a persistent little bugger, aren’t you. Sometimes I hate you for it". "What?" "You are such a fucking persistent little bugger".
The snowfield gets steeper. My legs go into the snow up to my knees with each step. "Oh, did I mention that my left leg hurts like a motherfucker?" "Shut the fuck up about your leg you whiny little bitch. JUST SHUT THE FUCK UP!"
Now it’s too steep to get anywhere without crawling on my hands and knees. "Fucking persistent fucking little bitch!"
The snow finally thins out a bit. I look back at where I came from. Shit! There’s a whole bunch of different ridges that join together. I have to make sure I pick the right ridge on the way down.
"Head for that tree beyond the cliffs. Looks like a pine tree. Don’t think about anything else. Just make it to that tree. Exhaustion is setting in. Just make it to the tree."
I was right. Five needles to the bunch. It’s a limber pine. From the tree I can see the crestline of the mountain range. I can make it to the crest! Keep going. There are some serious snow cornices on the north side of the ridgline. Gotta keep away from that. One final small snowfield to cross. Now I’ll just keep going uphill until there’s no more uphill. Then I can stop.
On the top of the mountain it is well below freezing. The wind is howling in from the west. I want to get out the topographic map to see what mountain it is that I’ve climbed, how high it is. The wind would blow the map right out of my hands though. I’m shivering. The wind is draining every ounce of warmth from my body at an alarming rate. Trying to remember those charts. How long before flesh freezes? My partner told me to be careful. HA! Fat chance! Better get out of here though.
"Damn, girl, that’s quite a limp you’ve got!" "Didn’t I already say that?" "Dunno. I’m fucking freezing". "It’s really painful too". "I told you to shut up about that". "Why?" "You know why"… Silence.
Seems like glissading would be a faster way down the snowfields. Instinctively I put my left leg downhill and get up some speed. Suddenly my left leg sinks in to mid thigh. Shit! I could break a femur like this. Bad place to break a femur. I decide to see what happens if I put my right leg downhill. Absolutely impossible, just like the skiing. I continue glissading, left leg first, controlling the speed.
Eventually I see a dinosaur. "What!" "Yeah, a dinosaur; see!" "Well let’s head over to it then". It’s pretty scary looking. I sit down on a rock next to it. It’s smaller than it looked from a distance. But there’s the expressionless mouth, the squinty little eye; fossilised a hundred million years ago.
I have the last of my water. It’s getting warmer down here. Time I tried peeing. Down with my jeans. Good job I wore jeans. All that bushwhacking would have torn my legs to shreds. How would I explain that to my lover who is staying over tomorrow night? I have paraplegia. I can’t tell him I’ve been bushwhacking. Down with my undies. Sit on the edge of the rock with my legs perched on an opposite rock. Peeing works fine. Funny position though. Face a few inches away from my pad. Looks a bit wet. Pull everything back up. Yeah, it was a bit wet.
I look down. My breasts seem enormous. I spontaneously cup my hands round my breasts. They feel enormous. (They’re not really enormous, pretty average actually, 38B). The nipples are hard. I can feel them through the T-shirt, through the tank top, through the bra. "What do you think you’re doing?" "Feeling my breasts". "Yeah, but why?" "Why not? I felt like it". "What if somebody saw?" "There’s nobody here".
Time to take off my T-shirt. It’s only going to get hotter lower down. As it comes over my head, my tank top rides up over my bra. "I could take my tank top off too". "You can’t go around with just a bra". "Why?" "Dunno. There’s probably laws about it". "Are there?" "Dunno". "You wear bikinis". I lift up my tank top to examine my bra. Pretty white lace with a nice little bow in front. "Why is this any different?" "Dunno". "What if I took off my bra and went topless?" "Pretty sure there are laws about that". "Based on what? Gender?" "Yeah". "So men are allowed to show their boobies and women aren’t?" "Guess so". "What about hermaphrodites? What about men with gynecomastia?" "Nobody gives a fuck about hermaphrodites". "Yeah it’s like drivers’ licences. It’s either male or female. Two little boxes to fit the entire gender spectrum of humanity. What are hermaphrodites supposed to do? We don’t fit in their little boxes". "Yeah". "Marriage is supposed to be one man and one woman. What the fuck! What are hermaphrodites supposed to do? Marry anybody? Marry nobody?" "Nobody gives a fuck about hermaphrodites". "Nobody gives a fuck about people with BIID". "I know". "You’re either disabled, or not disabled. What if I’m a little bit disabled, but supposed to be much more disabled?" "No category for that. Nobody gives a fuck".
"You’re procrastinating". "I know". "It’s about the leg". "Yes. It hurts like a mother fucker. I can’t put my weight on it". "So you said. You’re wondering about what the orthotist told you". "Yes". "That the lower leg is weak and you should have a fixed ankle". "Yes". "You’re wondering if it’s true". "Yes". "But you don’t want to believe it". "Right". "WHY?" "Because I want it SO much… But I don’t want to believe it if it’s imaginary; I only want to believe it if it’s real". "The pain is real". "Yes". "You can’t even stand on your left leg". (I do the experiment). "Right". "How will you know if it’s real?" "Dunno".
The peak was 9571ft. The trailhead was at 5200ft. Seven and a half hours round trip. Not bad, given the terrain.
Oh, yeah, I forgot the back brace. My back hurts like a motherfucker too. "Why don’t you just shut up, you stupid whiny little bitch!"
Thought I’d write down all this crap. I already told myself to shut the fuck up. Might as well see if I can get somebody else to tell me to shut the fuck up too.
Tags: Able Bodied, Accessible, Amputated, Back Brace, BIID, Crutch, Disabled, Leg Braces, Limp, Pain, Paraplegia, Wheelchair
This entry appears in Chloe's Thoughts. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed.
You can skip to the end and leave a response. Pinging is currently not allowed.
4 Comments
@Chloe: Honestly, and I might be completely out of line here, but I really think that you might want to see some strong intervention help. I know that it’s normal for people here to desire a disability and to dream about ways that it could be done, and that there are those here who have even done things to make that become a reality…but you tend to take things to a new level and a new extreme. I think you worry a good many of us in what you might do to yourself and to what extent you might goto. Also…while I have somewhat of a mean, pessimistic voice in my head, it seams that yours wants to be a little bit more violent and uncaring about your life and pushes you a little more than I think is healthy.
I personally kind of look up to you a little because we both have a lot of the same ideas, desires, and likings when it comes to chairs and braces. I too see my braces sometimes as a method of control and as for a way for me to be turned into a cyborg and for the machines to attach to my body and take me over and under their command as their slave….I still worry about you though at times.
3 On 26 May, 2009, Phil said:
Hi Chloe,
thank you for this open description of what has gone on in you.
What struck me immediately was how nasty you are to yourself. You talk to yourself in a very unfriendly way. You don’t listen to the needs of your body, not even to pain. You talk to yourself like parents would do who don’t love you but want to force you to do what they want, regardless of your own feelings.
You seem to be fighting yourself, and that made an old theory come back to my mind: Maybe BIID is an expression of this fight of oneself against oneself?
Please, be nicer to yourself, accept the needs of your body, don’t punish yourself, and do only what you really want to do without forcing yourself.
Would you talk to anybody in this way? Would you force anybody to overhear the language of their body (talking pain, in this case)?
That’s just my immediate reaction, from deep in my heart. I don’t know you, so I might be totally wrong. Just wanted to say what I feel.
Kind regards
Phil
@Wheelman @Phil. Wow! You both gave me a LOT to think about. It was a bit startling actually. I just came back from another hike. I thought about what you said and what this all means. I’m still processing it. Time to write another post.
In the meantime: I’m glad I’m not the only one who talks to myself while hiking. You’re right, I’m violent, uncaring and nasty to myself. No, I would never talk to anybody else in this manner.
Thank you.
More later.
Post your comments
© transabled.org - 1994-2012 - All Rights Reserved.
1 On 26 May, 2009, Wheelman said:
I just went on my first seasonal hike Saturday…well that’s a part lie…I have been hiking now for the past few weeks, but up until this weekend things weren’t as green and besides…if I didn’t say that it wouldn’t fit into your story or timeline ;)
Another reason I would say this is my first hike of the season is because this is the first hike that I have seen active wildlife and was even attacked by a wild mother turkey for walking up on her and her little babies. (not a fun thing, luckily I had my mountain bike to keep between me and her).
I live in a somewhat spacey area of town now. Next to where I live is a underground pipeline that runs threw the woods. In the area that I live there is about a 2 mile long stretch of the pipeline that runs threw the woods and kind of up from a swamp area. Being the adventuresome hiker that I am, this has become my new hiking trail and area. I greatly enjoy it’s wonderful area as I appear to not be the only one who walks this area and there are a lot of trails that leave the pipeline and go down into the woods in different directions. Being the explorer that I am I have made it my goal to travel all the trails with my GPS and to produce a map of the whole system and to explore them all.
So far, what I have found is that these trails reach out into places I never thought they would go and run for miles into areas that you would never think they would go. It almost looks like, if I keep trying this, that I might be able to find a way to travel threw the woods all the way from my house into town, which is some 10+ miles away!
Back to the voices in our head. As yall know, I have said in the past that I believe that I am multi personalities. Infact I am pretty sure this is true as I have two voices with completely different thoughts, and their own outlook and view on life. They both have their own temperance’s towards life as to what show be done and how it should be done. Sir John also makes a very big point of telling me what his thoughts are on matters and what he thinks should be done. He constantly mocks me too and antagonizes me.
Anyhoo…when I do go out hiking, I constantly talk to myself, I wasn’t sure if it was just me, but I do all the time. Something will catch my eye and then instantly both voices begin to talk about it and soon they start fighting and eventually one caves (usually me). Also, while I am walking in the peace of the world, I find that things that happened during the week or recently, will begin to be thought about and discussed in my mind and different feelings are expressed about it. Hiking sure is a wonderful way to just take time to think and unload.
Yesterday I took the hand cycle out for a spin for the holidays. No sooner than I got out, it started raining heavily and I was forced to pull over under some trees and just sit while I got soaked. As I sat there getting soaked, Sir John began to bicker…and scream about getting wet (as with my AS, I hate getting wet so I was already panicking and hyperactive). Still though, we sat there and he half yelled at me and called me stupid, but at the same time, comforted me and kept me calm. We both just sat there on the side of the trail, watching the rainfall around us and watching the visibility disappear in front of us as it rained harder. Then we noticed we were sitting right in the middle of the now fast filling ditch and that soon we would be sitting in water. Of course we both spoke about that for a while and then finally the rain stopped and we got back underway.