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Emotional Integrity
Written by Chloe on Saturday, September 5, 2009
Yesterday evening was the annual intersex support group BBQ party. Everybody had a great time, but there was one interaction that made me question the way I talk to friends about BIID.
The party was held at the house of the husband / wife psychotherapist couple who run the support group. Most people in the group also use one or other of these as their individual psychotherapist. Mine is the male. I arrived early, as I usually do to the support group, so that I could get a little private time with him to talk about things I don’t wish to share with the whole group.
Both of these psychotherapists are important people in my life. They have seen me through a lot of stuff. After Alicia, they were the next two people to whom I disclosed about my BIID.
It is nice for me to go to a party where everyone already knows about my BIID and is supportive. I feel I can just be open and honest about everything. There was no formal support group activity. We just mingled amonst ourselves and chatted about whatever came up, like at any other party. Once in a while my BIID came up as a topic; no big deal.
Late into the evening I was alone with the female psychotherapist. She brought up my BIID. She often does. Among other things, I told her that my GP is now aware of my desire to have a spinal cord transection, or at least a femoral nerve transection. After some more conversation, we both expressed a need to quench our thirst and we went into the kitchen. We joined in the conversation there, which was along the lines of people needing to find themselves and be themselves. She concurred, looking directly at me. Then she started crying; not just a few tears rolling down the cheeks, but intense anguish. It was about me. Everybody understood that as soon as I started hugging her. I said "It’ll be okay".
I felt inadequate and guilty. My BIID was causing pain to someone I care about. It’s not that she was being unsupportive. In fact everyone in the room, including her, explicitly expressed that I should do whatever I need to do. But people have emotions about this. We, with BIID, have done a lot of psychological work coming to terms with this. The people who care about us also have some things to process about it. She said that she felt more at ease with my situation after crying about it.
This incident was much on my mind on the way home; and when I woke up this morning. I asked Alicia to talk it through with me to clarify my feelings about it.
What is my intent in talking to my friends about BIID? Is it to cause them pain? Absolutely not. This is not the person I really am, or want to be. I care about my friends. They care about me. Their feelings are important to me. There is a difference between blunt honesty and emotional integrity.
People are not freaked out by my wheelchair or leg braces. They can even handle my need for paralysis. The emotional intensity comes out when people contemplate my intent to find a surgeon, or ski off a cliff, or whatever it takes. It makes it all very real. People pick up from my calm yet very determined demeanor that this is no game.
Do I really need to tell people about all this stuff? No, I have a greater need to be more considerate of the feelings of those that care about me.
In the future I intend to be a little less selfish in what I say to people about BIID. It is one thing to talk about self injury (in whatever form it may take) with my partner, or with other transabled folks. However, it is a very heavy burden to place on one’s non-transabled friends.
Well, this is just a snapshot of where I am right now. I would be interested to know what others think is appropriate to disclose to one’s friends.
Tags: BIID, Femoral Nerve Transection, Leg Braces, Paralysis, Psychotherapist, Self Injury, Spinal Cord Transection, Transabled, Wheelchair
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7 Comments
The woman seems to me to have behaved inappropriately. Because she is a therapist, because you have a therapeutic relationship with her husband, I think it wasn’t wise of her to bring it up with you.
You have every right to stand your ground and not discuss it as is your wish.
I think it was wrong of her to ask and even more inappropriate that she had such an emotional reaction in front of you.
It’s great you can be so open about BIID, but as with any other condition, it’s your right to disclose as much as you need and want to. I think she crossed a line.
@Becs: I thought someone might bring up this issue. Generally I would agree with you as far as individual therapy is concerned; and indeed, the majority of the group has one or other of these therapists as their individual therapist.
However, the group dynamic is a bit different, and in no small part my own responsibility. The psychotherapists occasionally ask both the group, as well as me privately, for feedback on how the group dynamic is working and what might need to be changed. This exact issue of the emotional involvement of the psychotherapists came up a couple of years ago. I came out strongly in favor of the idea that the psychotherapists should feel free to express their emotions about anything anybody has to say. So if anyone is to blame here, it is myself. But personally, I think this adds in a positive way to the group dynamic. I wouldn’t change it.
If anybody brings up something I don’t want to discuss, then I don’t discuss it. There are intersex issues that I don’t discuss, except with my partner or within the context of the support group, even if I am asked directly. And there are indeed BIID issues that I don’t discuss with the intersex group. An example is the agreement of my psychotherapist to write a letter of recommendation for me to get a spinal cord transection or a femoral nerve transection. He does not disclose this to his wife, and I don’t disclose it to the group.
The bottom line is that I learnt something here, and I’m glad that I did.
On the subject of talking to a close friend (other than my partner) I found it to be good thing. The person cencerned was very grateful and almost honoured to have been the “chosen one”.
The punch line did, however, shock. The response was “I’d be worried about you having surgery”.
Following my revelation to her I felt I wanted to tell everyone. But, as you say, it’s probably not fair to burden them with such a difficult subject.
Hey Chloe,
I want to share something with you. Sometimes I talk to someone about my past. There have been some horrible things, but most of it is so long ago that I don’t feel anything any more when I tell it. Somehow therapy really did its work and I managed to get over some things. But this person sometimes starts crying when he hears these stories. That always makes me feel guilty, because I don’t want him to feel sad. But he says it’s necessary. His opinion is that there needs to be someone who grieves for you, because terrible things habe happened.
What does that mean for you? Having BIIG does not make your life simple. As far as I have understood by now, there are some hard issues you have to deal with. So you can just take this crying as: There is someone who understands that this is not easy. This is some kind of telling you that you mean something to her. Just try to accept it, though it’s not easy.
I hope this encouraged you a bit.
Thank you Karen,
Yes, it is good to know that people care. I think in this particular case there is some extra empathy going on because she is passionate about dancing. She knows I am passionate about hiking. She is imagining what it would be like for her not to be able to dance. Perhaps I need to have a conversation with her about wheelchair dancing and wheelchair hiking?
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1 On 5 September, 2009, ChloeD said:
Hi Chloe :)
I don’t feel able to come up with a well thought out response but I wanted to say that I know exactly what you mean. I’ve had a couple of suicide attempts and whilst I’m quite happy to talk about self-harm and depression with close friends, I have never admitted to any of them that I tried to kill myself – They’re my friends and they love me, and they don’t need to have that worry.