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Embracing BIID
Written by Chloe on Friday, February 12, 2010
I’m glad that I have BIID. It is a thing of beauty. When I started psychotherapy in connection with BIID in 2008, my stated goal was to reach self acceptance about it. I find that I have overshot that mark.
Interactions with other people often bring into my mind the subtle difference between accepting BIID in oneself, and embracing it.
My first tearful BIID disclosures to people, in 2008, were fraught with negative thoughts about myself. I remember writing to my sister "I’m sorry I’m so screwed up." If you tell people through your tears that you are screwed up, then they will indeed perceive that something is wrong. The way I relate BIID to people has gradually changed, reflecting the way I think about it myself.
A couple of weeks ago I contacted someone to wish them happy birthday. She is one of the two people I thought I had lost as a friend as a result of disclosing about BIID. We had not communicated in more than a year. I decided to express my current feelings about BIID, interested to see if her response about it would be any different from last time, wondering indeed if I would get a response at all.
I briefly wrote to her about some of the major events of last year: my car crash; how I used that as an opportunity to start full time wheelchair use at work; how this enabled me to be much happier; how this facilitated deeper interactions between myself and other people with disabilities (her wife is a wheelchair user, as a little context here). Her reply stated that she was glad about all these positive outcomes; nothing at all along the lines of having problems with accepting BIID, as had been the case before. Of course it’s hard to know how much of this change is due to her own digesting the concept, and how much is due to my own attitude.
I give Alicia complete discretion about sharing my BIID with her friends. I trust her understanding of it, and I trust her judgement. She told a psychotherapist friend about it a while ago, and I found that friend’s opinion interesting. She thought that it may be possible to diminish the impact of BIID on one’s life through psychotherapy in childhood. However, she thought that it would be inadvisable to attempt ridding oneself of BIID as an adult, after it had become integrated into one’s personality. She doubted the likelihood of a positive psychological outcome from such intervention. This makes sense to me.
The psychotherapist and her partner came over for dinner recently. One thing that has changed about me is my need to talk about BIID with friends. I feel that there’s really not much left to process any more, so I have no incentive to bring it up in dinner conversation. On the other hand, I’m sufficiently comfortable with it that there is no motivation to be secretive.
There were no questions about my wheelchair, leg brace, or BIID all evening. It’s simply accepted without comment. It’s not a big deal for me whether it does or does not come up, just like any other topic of conversation. However, I did refer to it obliquely a couple of times. The psychotherapist had brought up the topic of correlations between brain anatomy/physiology and psychological conditions. This is a matter of both professional and personal interest to me, so I threw in what I knew of such experiments relating to BIID.
The other topic, brought up by the psychotherapist, was the relationship of vulnerability to mental health. A lot of people get caught up in the idea that if one builds up a psychological wall around one’s vulnerabilities, it will keep one safe. All at the dinner table admitted to having done this. All at the dinner table agreed that this provides a false sense of security. All at the dinner table agreed that making oneself vulnerable was psychologically more beneficial. I brought up my BIID as an example of this.
What then is the difference between accepting one’s BIID and embracing it? "Accepting" is a neutral word. It implies that you recognise the state of affairs as it is, and judge it as being neither positive or negative. The dinner conversation cemented in me the idea that BIID is a beautiful gift to be treasured. It helps me dig down deeper into myself to find more authentic levels of reality. Disclosure does indeed make one quite vulnerable. But when you find out that people still like you anyway, it is very powerful. It means that they like the real you, rather than a false projection of yourself.
BIID hurts too. Claire said recently "It’s through suffering that I grow and suffering makes me a better human being." My experience is completely consistent with that statement. Thus from this perspective also, BIID can be seen as a good thing. BIID facilitates personal growth. BIID facilitates compassion. What is not to embrace?
After writing a first draft of this, I stopped at a grocery store on the way home from work, as I often do. It was just for the essentials: milk, beer and chocolate. As I gracefully spun around at the checkout, the guy said "I’ll bet you can do some tricks with that." "Yes," I said, smiling "I go dancing." (very pleased with myself). On the way out, another employee called over "You’re having WAY too much fun with that." I started laughing. It reminded me of the previous day in the cafeteria lunch line. Someone asked "Will you have that thing forever?" (referring to the leg brace). "Probably" I said, grinning from ear to ear. Of course, when the sun becomes a red giant, thereby vaporising the entire planet, it’s unlikely that I’ll still have the leg brace. But in the mean time I shall embrace BIID and enjoy life.
Tags: Acceptance, BIID, Psychotherapy, Suffering, Vulnerable, Wheelchair
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7 Comments
As per my devotee point of view:
Can\\\’t help but register a wry grin when I\\\’m presented with the fact that \\\’embracing BIID\\\’ may involve putting on one\\\’s leg brace(s).
Never overlook the humor!
/Art
Why don’t you try doing humanitarian aid in a famine area then?
Or try working with landmines, or something other than wanting to slice a good spinal cord or cut off a decent limb?
It’s an absurd thing to want to do.
Wow, Phil! We can always rely on you for some deep commentary.
My need for paralysis has not diminished. However, the expression of this need has changed dramatically over the last year. It used to be desperate, and now it is very calm. A year ago I was enthusiastic about skiing off cliffs and accepting whatever the consequence might be. I couldn’t get in a car without wondering about the optimal way to crash it. Now I am indeed content to live in the present, awaiting the day when I have enough money for surgery. There are multiple factors accounting for this change in attitude, but easily the most significant is the large increase in the amount of time I spend in a wheelchair.
Thank you for those links. My smattering of German, together with my “German English Dictionary for Chemists”, enabled me to piece together the gist of things.
“Show your wound”, at the psychological level, is the way I approach interpersonal relationships. I’ll show you mine if you show me yours. The idea of BIID being a psychophysical manifestation of a psychological wound comes up repeatedly. I can’t entirely dismiss this, and many of us have disclosed psychological wounds from childhood. However, for me the BIID preceded the psychological wounds; unless… as you say “a wound of my soul which I am not even fully aware of”.
That is an interesting point about personal growth making one less “successful”. I used to be more financially successful than I am now. Currently my feelings of success come from how much emotional support I am able to provide for my friends.
@Art: As I was writing the post, I tried to think of some clever humor to bring out the double entendre. But it eluded me. :o(
Isn’t it fascinating that when it comes to BIID, each of us has to find his own way of managing it?
Phil said: “When I embrace my BIID and myself, I am not able to get all my work done. I feel disabled.” My situation is a total opposite. Not embracing my BIID paralyzes me from inside out. No energy, no joy, no reason to live. Sleeping, dreaming, playing computer games, shopping. All about me, trying to forget the pain.
On the other hand, now when I wheel, I wake up in the morning and look forward to what it will bring. I started being active in the community. I might be perceived as a person with disability but the truth is that my wheelchair enables me to live. And I am planning to use it for doing something good as long as I can.
@Helen: I’m afraid I found your point a little obscure. My guess is you are thinking that if BIID facilitates compassion, then we should find jobs or other activities which reflect this. I’m not sure why you would assume that this is not already the case.
I have worked on treatments for pain, malaria, depression, panic disorder, PMS, anorexia… I work in a psychiatric hospital, and have informal contact with patients. I have noticed that they are significantly more at ease talking with me about their issues since I have been in a wheelchair.
I know that many people here find compassion to be a strong motivator. If seeming absurd is a price for that, then so be it.
How would you rate your own comment on the compassion scale, Helen?
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1 On 12 February, 2010, Phil said:
“But when you find out that people still like you anyway, it is very powerful. It means that they like the real you, rather than a false projection of yourself.”
Well… I hope that I have a inner sense of whether a person really likes me or a projection of myself. I think I just feel it. Or do I just hope this?
You sound as if you were so happy with the way how you deal and live with your BIID and wheelchair that you don’t need paralysis anymore.
In the Gallery of the City of Munich in the Lenbachhaus is an installation of Joseph Beuys with the title “Zeige deine Wunde” – show your wound (a picture is shown here: http://www.lenbachhaus.de/cms/index.php?id=24; a description, only in German, here: http://de.wikipedia.org/wiki/Zeige_deine_Wunde). This title has made me think and is often on my mind.
I have often thought that I should show how much I suffer from BIID.
But often I also think that maybe by having my legs amputated I would show another wound, a wound of my soul which I am not even fully aware of, a wound which I cannot show, because it is inside?
Yes, suffering makes me grow, but in another kind of growth than people usually see as growth. It’s more inside, making me softer, deeper – and thus even less “successful” in the world.
But also joy has made me grow in my life. And love. And courage. Too much suffering makes me depressed and takes so much energy.
When I embrace my BIID and myself, I am not able to get all my work done. I feel disabled.