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Deaf to the Issue
Written by Chloe on Monday, January 19, 2009
This post isn’t really about BIID. It is about the interplay of physical impairments and psychological issues within the context of communicating in a relationship. I think my partner and I were both better prepared to deal with BIID in our relationship because of what we had previously gone through together.
Almost everybody has some kind of physical impairment. Almost everybody has some kind of psychological baggage. My partner and I both brought such things to our relationship. It took us a while to figure out why some of our miscommunications were so emotionally painful.
I have partial hearing loss. My partner has a speech impediment. Ah yes, great combination isn’t it? We should do a comedy routine. Very minor impairments, and it wouldn’t be so bad if we didn’t bring related psychological issues to the table. I’ll start with my partner:
My partner’s speech impediment was sufficiently bad that her teachers in kindergarten couldn’t understand her. Because of this they labelled her as being mentally retarded. No, I’m not going to apologise for using those words. Those are the exact words that my partner heard in reference to herself when she was a little kid. She was held back a year in kindergarten. She felt embarrassed, ashamed, and that other people would consider her inferior. It reminds me of my friend who had polio. When she was seven her teachers told her that she was stupid. Why? Because she wore leg braces. Yes folks, if you didn’t know already, leg braces automatically make you stupid! (It’s hard for me to keep my anger levels down when I write about stuff like this).
Now me: Teachers called me stupid when I was seven. I was held back a year too. I’ve explained elsewhere how this came about on account of being intersexed. I also have a language problem. For some reason it takes me a while to disentangle the meaning from non-literal language. It makes me feel stupid when I don’t understand someone. Then there’s the issue of often not being able to hear people if I can’t read their lips at the same time.
My partner is a novelist and poet. She is very sophisticated in her use of non-literal language. You can probably see where all this is going! It VERY frequently happens that I don’t understand what my partner is saying. This is frustrating for both of us, and it brings up painful psychological issues for both of us. When my partner is not understood, the psychological link takes her back to the pain of being labeled as mentally retarded. When I don’t understand, I am taken back to the pain of feeling stupid and inferior.
What it took to get through this in the relationship was absolute honesty from both of us about all these things. Neither of us was completely forthcoming in the beginning. It is painful stuff after all.
The biggest fault lies in my not being open about being a bit deaf. This has been so entrenched that it was only a few months ago that I admitted to my partner that I have a hearing aid. I haven’t used it in about five years because I don’t like wearing it, so it’s buried at the bottom of some box somewhere. My partner is gently bugging me to get a good new hearing aid. She is very considerate about turning up the volume on DVDs, and pausing them to explain to me what has been said.
Humor is great for getting through painful moments too. Sometimes when I can’t figure out what she’s said she’ll say something like "There’s no point in talking to you. You’re deaf!". It cracks us both up.
I’m not sure why I used to be embarrassed about my hearing loss. My father had it too, so I grew up around it. It is habit for me to talk to people as if they have hearing loss. I am seldom misunderstood, even by friends who have much greater hearing loss than I do.
It is interesting that the biggest positive change regarding my embarrassment has come about through transabled.org. Thank you Dante! Thank you Marie! Because of you I am now much more comfortable being open with friends about my hearing loss.
Well, I don’t intend to preach to anybody. All I can say is that what works for me is honesty. It took a lot of in depth psychological exchange between my partner and myself to resolve our communication issue. Now we try to be extremely respectful and considerate of each other’s needs around this. It doesn’t mean that I understand what my partner is trying to say all the time. Far from it. But it does mean that we both understand why I don’t understand. And we are both understanding and compassionate about each other’s psychological issues that result from my lack of understanding. Understand?
We have brought the same attitude to dealing with my BIID together. And yes, we both make lots of BIID jokes around the house. No, I’m not going to repeat them; it would cost you an arm and a leg.
I would like to thank my partner for being open to my writing about this, and for permission to reveal some of her personal issues.
Tags: BIID, Deaf, Hearing Aid, Impairment, Leg Braces, Pain, Partner
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10 Comments
That’s a good question, Ronald. I had to think about it. It seems to me that the issue is more with language processed in the auditory system rather than the visual system. I am very adept at visual processing in general. For example if someone is giving me directions somewhere, the verbal message simply isn’t good enough even if I understand everything. I need it written down. I don’t need to take it with me; I just need to see it. Even better is for someone simply to point to a location on a map. Then I don’t need the map; the location and the relevant part of the map are rapidly memorised and that’s it, no words at all. I just don’t do my thinking using words; it all has to be translated.
Don’t know what any of this means; just that we’re all different I guess.
Like myself, yes I only have to look at a map once, and I can cross any state or province it seems on the backroads. Tell me your name, I will forget it in 3 seconds flat, give me a business card, its locked in for ever. Licence plates? yup once I see it its locked in.
A lot of people simply do not know how to express themselves, especially by spoken word. Don’t take all the blame. There was a great episode of “Star Trek, TNG” where Capt. Picard met up with an outer space type who spoke English (!!!???) but his race could only communicate in metaphors. Neither could understand the other.
The issue of my hearing loss still causes friction between Alicia and myself. Her emotional baggage from being labeled as retarded, due to the speech impediment, runs deep. A recent incident of non-communication between us prompted me to get my hearing tested yesterday.
It’s official. I have moderate low frequency (<1000Hz) hearing loss. He suggested that the shape of the auditory threshold versus frequency curve is indicative of some degree of hereditary component. Apparently the greater hearing loss at lower frequencies is atypical for environmental damage. The bone conduction test indicated a nerve damage issue, and thus irreversible. He said that I should benefit from bilateral hearing aids.
I was very impressed with the technology of current hearing aids. They program in the hearing curve for each ear (my right ear is ten decibels worse than my left ear), and some other individualised parameters. I scheduled an appointment for a test drive next week.
I’m not having psychological issues over any of this. Wearing hearing aids is no different from wearing glasses, right? That’s what I’ve convinced myself anyway. I’m actually somewhat amused, in no small part because of Claire’s brilliant post “But it’s not the Disability I Wanted”.
Chloe, I understand! I know of people who want vision that’s a poor as mine and I just don’t get it. I also know that the hearing in my right ear is about 1/2 of what it is in my left. The very thought of the cost of hearing aids makes me content to continue cupping my ear and saying, “What?” a lot.
6 On 14 March, 2010, Sophie said:
my dad has hearing aids so small that recently at a church camp (one with a no technology rule) one of the leaders mistaked his remote for a cell phone and told him off for it. He was lucky he qualified for ACC cuz of industrial deafness.
My eyesight is so bad now I can’t see my alarm clock without my glasses on and that’s in big red numbers. I don’t think my eyesight is deteriorating anymore and I’m glad of that because I like being able to see.
Why is it that for many it is very hard to even recognize their hearing loss?
My husband doesn’t hear well but often fakes that he hears me. So sometimes I have to repeat myself to make sure he got it right as I don’t know if his nod was an agreement or “if I nod you will leave me alone” nod. Same goes for my mother. The trouble is that if the person heard me the first time, they think I am treating them like an idiot. And a lot of issues come up.
8 On 15 March, 2010, Sophie said:
before Dad got his hearing aids he started using his hearing loss as an excuse. Mum’d ask him to do something, he’d grunt yes, then later he’d say “I’m sorry dear I didn’t hear you”.
@Sylvie & Sophie: Yeah my vision isn’t great either. As it happened I had gone to get my eyes checked earlier in the same week as the hearing test. My near-sightedness hasn’t changed in the last four years: -5.75 in the left eye and -4.50 in the right. More presbyopia and astigmatism though. He noted the corneal scar on my right eye from the chemical burn more than twenty years ago; it’s my better eye nevertheless.
What’s nice is that these professionals both seemed completely used to testing wheelchair users.
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1 On 19 January, 2009, Ronald said:
I’m curious. Your difficulty in comprehending non literal language, is this only on a verbal level?