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Change of Season
Written by Chloe on Thursday, May 14, 2009
The long cold snowy Winter ends. The long hot dry Summer begins. I am always atuned to the seasons. The changes are conducive to a little reflection on one’s own change as Winter launches into Summer.
The most obvious change is that the skiing ends and the hiking begins. Today was my last ski day of the season. I had some anxiety about this. I was anxious about becoming depressed. A lot of my anxiety is connected with the prospect of depression. The start of this last ski season marked the end of my last depressive episode. Sure, Prozac had something to do with this. But part of it too was being able to convince myself each week that I had a chance of becoming paraplegic every time I skied. What if I reached the end of the ski season without paraplegia? Would I not plunge into another depressive episode?
It didn’t happen. I semi-deliberately allowed myself a couple of rewards towards the end of the ski season. Both of these rewards turned out to be more rewarding than I was expecting. Hence I end the ski season on a positive note.
The first reward was a disability parking permit. This is a wonderful validation. It makes me feel good about myself all the time I am in my car. I highly recommend it.
The second reward was wearing a left KAFO to work all the time. Well, it’s not just at work. It’s everything I might do on the way to work or on the way back from work too. When I come home I certainly have no inclination to take it off until bedtime, even though I am mostly in a wheelchair. It feels like it’s part of me.
Hmm, there is yet another reward; one that I did not plan for. When I arrived home from work yesterday, I planted myself in the wheelchair for the evening. Then I wheeled over to the couch where my partner was sitting. She started crying as she saw me coming. I said "What’s up?" She said "I love you so much… I’m so proud of you for being yourself… in your wheelchair". Wow! It does not escape me how lucky I am.
So, for now, I have enough. This is enough to get me through the Summer until the start of the next ski season six months from now. Then I shall be able to start skiing off cliffs again.
It might seem like I didn’t accomplish much by skiing this season. I had three minor concussions, whiplash, countless bruises, a few cuts and nosebleeds, fibromyalgia getting triggered, lots of back pain. In terms of nerve damage, there has not been any obvious increase in either paresis or sensory loss. There has been an increase in both the frequency and intensity of muscle spasms over the last six months, but I have no clue how that can happen without an increase in paresis, and I have no clue if it is related to skiing. I learnt something by skiing off my favorite 20ft cliff twelve times though. I was able to cause myself pain, particularly back pain, with each jump. However, not once did this jump cause a concussion. Seems like a possible technique anyway.
I think that physician, who told me last year that I should never ski again lest I reinjure my back and become paraplegic, was exaggerating. If it were that easy I would have done it by now. It’s going to take a substantial impact. I came up with another skiing strategy, besides jumping off cliffs, to make this happen. Sean thinks it’s absurdly dangerous, but I have six months to think about it.
My back pain is not much different from a year ago. The only ski injury from this season that is not completely healed up is the whiplash. It gets reaggravated every time I ski, even going over minor bumps. I’ve been wearing a neck brace to bed for months now to help things, and I find I like doing that anyway. When I wake up in the middle of the night, and my hand touches the hard plastic round my neck, it gives me a great feeling of security and comfort. I think I’ll keep on doing it. Is that a BIID thing? I really don’t know.
Yes, I plan to hike throughout the Summer. I had to think about this one. Is it "cheating"? Why should I feel guilty about it? I don’t have paraplegia; I have BIID. I can treat my BIID without needing to present as paraplegic every second of every day. What’s cheating about that?
If I was required not to hike in order to qualify for surgery, that’s fine too. I know enough wheelchair trails. But it’s good to keep my legs in shape for the next skiing season.
The chance of meeting someone I know while hiking is extremely remote. Usually I am off trail in wilderness areas and see nobody all day.
For the first time ever, I feel like I’ve reached a little plateau of stability regarding BIID. I’m not repressing anything. I am fully aware of the BIID. I acknowledge its presence and accept it. No, it’s not a place of infinite equilibrium. But at least it feels like a temporary steady state.
During the last two years I have gradually added things to treat my BIID. It has often felt futile. As the Red Queen (aka Sean) said to Alice (aka Chloe): "Now, HERE, you see, it takes all the running you can do, to keep in the same place. If you want to get somewhere else you must run at least twice as fast as that!" (excerpted from "Through the BIID Looking Glass")… As soon as I added something I needed more; the snowball effect as referred to by Claire and others. It seemed that the desperation would never end. But it did end. Not forever; but for now.
Thank you all for helping me get to this place.
Tags: Anxiety, Back Pain, BIID, Depression, KAFO, Muscle Spasms, Neck Brace, Paraplegia, Paresis, Prozac, Wheelchair
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