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Business Presentation
Written by Chloe on Saturday, October 24, 2009
Okay, I don’t know much about business, but it’s part of my job to make occasional scientific presentations. I’m writing this in real time so I thought I’d start with my anticipatory feelings about tomorrow afternoon.
Not so long ago (~18 months) fear of feeling self-conscious in a wheelchair seemed like a good reason why I would never be able to transition. How could I ever perform my job functions in a wheelchair, since part of it entails getting in front of people, in full view, and giving a talk?
Well, I never did get to feeling self-conscious in a wheelchair. Instead, the opposite happened. I feel particularly confident about tomorrow; not despite the wheelchair but because of it.
Another thing: for quite a while every new thing I did in a wheelchair seemed scary. That has been gradually wearing off. It seems that I have now done enough new things that it has built confidence that I will find a way through whatever obstacles might appear, be they physical, social, or emotional. And if I mess things up, experience has shown me that I will just start laughing at my own incompetence.
My colleague will be flying in from another state. We shall be giving a joint presentation. Tomorrow he’s going to rent a car from the airport and drive to the psychiatric hospital where I work. I gave him a heads up that I’ll be needing to stow my wheelchair. He didn’t seem surprised. He’s seen me in airport wheelchairs on previous business trips; and he’s probably heard through the grapevine that I use one all the time now.
Tomorrow Afternoon
Umm, actually it’s today now; time for my first job related presentation while presenting in a wheelchair.
My colleague took the hint about the car, and there was plenty of room for the wheelchair when he picked me up from work. Then we drove to the university where we were to give our presentation; (not the same university with which the psychiatric hospital is associated).
There’s actually not much to say. I was indeed not at all nervous about the presentation; both the scientific presentation and the wheelchair presentation. There’s nothing like feeling normal and being yourself; definitely nothing scary about this. I made people laugh. Others made me laugh. The only tiny glitch was that my left quadriceps went into spasms just as I was about to start talking. I simply told myself to ignore the distraction and focus on what I needed to do. It stopped after a couple of minutes.
I’m starting to wonder if a part of the reason I developed severe social anxiety disorder as a child was because of the underlying BIID, which was not being treated effectively. How can one be socially comfortable if one can’t be oneself?
On the drive back my colleague asked about the wheelchair. I’m not telling anybody at work about BIID. I’m not ready to open that can of worms. Apparently leaving out that part but telling the rest of the truth is sufficient to satisfy people’s interest.
I’m wondering how it is possible for a wheelchair to increase one’s social comfort so dramatically. Is it just a question of being oneself, or is there more to it? Do I hide behind my wheelchair (metaphorically). It doesn’t seem like it. In fact it seems quite the opposite. My wheelchair also acts like an anxiolytic medication. Exactly why is this so? Is it approved by the FDA for this purpose? If not, why not? Do the rest of you wheelchair users experience the same thing?
Tags: Anxiety, BIID, Normal, Presentation, Self-Conscious, Spasms, Wheelchair, Worms
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8 Comments
@Nobody: That seems very perceptive. I have the impression that a good number of us has felt weird or different for reasons beyond BIID. When I am in a wheelchair I definitely feel more normal, less different, and more socially acceptable. I’m not saying any of that necessarily has a direct relation to BIID, but it is certainly a nice side effect of wheelchair use.
3 On 27 October, 2009, Phil said:
Hi all,
I think some of you already have seen that this thread has prompted a posting of mine in fighting-it with some questions: http://health.groups.yahoo.com/group/fighting-it/message/9961. In the meantime, some interesting answers have arrived.
Here my posting (I hope it is allowed to cross-post it here, too):
Dear friends,
can anybody of you relate to one or more of the following thoughts or feelings:
1) I have to sacrifice something of me before I am allowed and able to enjoy. (I
don’t feel allowed to enjoy before I have sacrificed or at least done
something.)
2) I need something to create some distance between the others and me.
3) I feel very weak to ward off expectations and obligations that others try to
impose on me. I don’t like to disappoint them, but I feel that I have to,
sometimes.
4) I feel different, not only regarding my body.
Postings here and in transabled.org and my own thinking and feeling have brought
up these questions, and I would just like to know if they are common.
Maybe they have something to do with BIID.
An amputation/paralysis/… is something like a sacrifice, a toll, and only
after have made/paid it I can be happy and enjoy.
A wheelchair, a disability creates some distance between the others and me. They
immediately see that they cannot expect the behaviour they usually expect from
other people.
My general feeling of difference would be obvious for everybody if I sat in a
wheelchair with no legs, it would have a material basis, not just in my feeling,
not just inside me.
On the other hand, BIID makes me weaker, so I need more distance, have
difficulties warding off expectations, BIID makes me feel different.
No 1 (sacrifice) is something which I found that I have as a general habit,
which need not have to do anything with BIID at all. It occurred in a totally
different kind of work, with language. I found that I always had to fail twice
or three times before I was able to really let it flow, to really concentrate,
to let fall all side motives. My teacher put it this way: I have to stuff the
devil’s mouth with something “wrong” or less intense, less vivid, less open and
less centered, before I could act purely, from being centered.
I hope you understand what I mean. It is not easy for me to describe it, and
even more difficult to try it in a foreign language.
I would be grateful for answers.
Hi Phil,
I also thought about the distance that a disability would bring along. I personally would be scared to face people who know me able-bodied and have to explain something to them about an injury or else. But my considerations are also about my feeling more easy in front of others if they think they have to expect less. If I really became paralyzed, I would try to start a new life somewhere else and just keep contact to my best friends. All the others would get to know me with a disability. Maybe that’s connected to my embarassment as regards disability, because I feel bad that it means so much to me.
If you want to talk/write about that in your mother tongue, just send me an e-mail ;)
Karen
5 On 28 October, 2009, Phil said:
Hi Karen,
I would say that your “embarassment as regards disability, because I feel bad that it means so much to me” is not really helpful, not necessary, not even appropriate. But I have it, at least a bit, too.
I don’t know your e-mail address, so I would like to ask you to write me a short mail so that I can reply. Just click at my name at the top of this posting.
Guten Abend!
No, you are not hiding behind your wheelchair. If you were, it would be an excuse for you not to do the presentation properly.
@ Phil, I think you explain things just fine in English :)
I can answer YES to all the points you raise, although maybe not all of them at any given time in my life. For example, point 1 (sacrifice) used to be prominent for me some years ago, but it is no longer. I still need to remove something from me (a hand), but I no longer see this as a necessary sacrifice, I now tend to look at it as a present I could do to myself in order to be happier in life.
BIID also has some other aspects, for instance, I like the image of myself with a disability and I like the image of other disabled guys as well. I find it special and interesting, even thrilling. It gives a “plus” that adds flavour to life, at least when I stop fighting it (most of the time, I am fighting it – can’t help it)
@Karen, I know this sense of embarrassment, or shame, or even guilt, and I guess most of us here do – or did. This must be somewhat related to the general perception of disabilities in society. But it is possible to overcome it. I have come to believe it is a good thing to overcome it, as it improves life a little. We’re not doing any wrong to anyone, are we?
Hi Phil,
sorry, I thought my mail address would be visible if you’re logged in. It is karenbaker@web.de
Looking forward to hearing from you!
Karen
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1 On 24 October, 2009, Nobody said:
Yes! I was much more relaxed than usual on my rare wheeling days. At the time, I felt freed from the obligation to appear within certain social constraints and expectations. After that folderol was out the window, then I felt free to be who I am.
The chair allowed people to free themselves from their own expectations of how others should be. When people didn’t have expectations about what I “should” be like, then they were receptive to discovering what I am like. That was always a good thing because in that relaxed state, I was calm, confident, friendly and able to put people at ease.
It’s a completely different without the chair, when I try to be me and people react negatively way just because I’m outside their realm of experience or understanding.
So in general, there’s something socially more acceptable about different-ness that seems involuntary, such as a disability, and less acceptable about different-ness that seems discretionary.