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Back Pain
Written by Chloe on Thursday, June 25, 2009
I’m worried about my back pain. I’m worried that it’s going away.
I managed to keep significant back pain going throughout the ski season by giving my body quite a pounding every week. A few weeks after switching to hiking for the summer, I started to notice a difference. The back pain was gradually diminishing.
At this point the level of pain is significantly less than it’s been in well over a year. It’s not that it’s gone. It’s still there, all the time, but much less. There’s still that one vertebra which is sensitive to touch too. At my last GP visit I had her check all the vertebrae in my back. Nothing was painful except that particular one when she pressed it. I’m assuming it’s T11 from what I’ve previously been told, though I neglected to ask her specifically.
The back pain is sufficiently minor at this point that I’m no longer wearing a back brace much, either for sleeping or during the day. I don’t have a problem with wearing a back brace, but it doesn’t really do anything for my BIID so there doesn’t seem to be any reason to wear it.
I suppose all this would sound like good news for most people. Sure, it’s nice not to have that pain. But I’m not taking this as good news.
I’m annoyed with myself. It’s now been 30 months since my back injury. I’m upset that the diminishing back pain seems like a sign that the window of opportunity is closing. I didn’t ski aggressively enough last season. I’m a wimp. I’m a sissy. I failed. I wasn’t good enough.
I’m not giving up. I’m going to take more risks next season. At the same time, my rational self is telling me that the relative probability of a complete T11 versus some other random injury is declining. Urgh!
I’m feeling frustrated. Sure, there are things that help with my BIID. But in the long term, anything short of complete paraplegia is a temporary solution.
Tags: Back Brace, Back Injury, Back Pain, BIID, Paraplegia, Vertebra
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4 Comments
@ChloeD. That is an interesting phenomenon of which you speak.
Yesterday I was hiking an ascending traverse of a snowfield, and cut my right knee open on the remains of a tree that had been snapped off in an avalanche. It wasn’t deliberate, except in so far as deliberately being in a situation that carried risks. Yet I was, and am, quite pleased with the cut. Hmm, It’s weird. I didn’t show my partner when I got home. She was horrified at how big the cut was when she noticed it, yet I didn’t consider it much. Does this have anything to do with BIID? I’m not sure.
ChloeD, did I not remember rightly that you have a specific wish to be mute?
@Chloe Yes, I do, sorry, I meant that I don’t desire a particular bodily injury.
Although I am, and have always been, fascinated by mobility aids, and mobility impairments, and I’ve always wanted one, although I don’t desire a specific thing. Anything to make me need a cane or crutches on a permanent basis…
(I have rheumatoid arthritis, which sucks at times, but in many ways feels like an achievement. I often push myself far past my limits because I know I will cause myself a lot of pain, and then I’ll be restricted by it.)
I cannot tell you how glad I was to find this site, and to discover that all these mixed up feelings are not just something I have.
Thank you, so much.
@ChloeD. What you said about pushing yourself struck a chord with me. My fibromyalgia was misdiagnosed as rheumatoid arthritis for the first decade, since there is significant overlap of symptoms. In any case I was able to overexert my left knee, causing sufficient pain for a “real” limp, and a “legitimate” need for a knee brace. The kind with a metal hinge was my favorite; redundant now since I wear a long leg brace.
Glad to have you with us, ChloeD.
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1 On 25 June, 2009, ChloeD said:
This post struck a nerve with me, but I can’t quite point out why.
I do very reckless and destructive things and don’t stop until I’ve injured myself, at which point there’s this incredible feeling of relief. Except… I don’t have a desure for a specific impairment like you do, so your post has really prompted all sorts of thoughts…