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Feeling Like An Alien
Written by Cath on Wednesday, September 2, 2009
I haven’t posted much lately, but I visit the site most days, sometimes twice. The fact is, I am envious of the ease with which Chloe and Lane have incorporated wheelchairs and other BIID supports into their work and private lives and I’ve been sulking a bit.
There’s no way I could ever wheel at work. The many doctors and nurses I work closely and am on sociable terms with would ply me with kindly meant, but probing and informed questions about my health. They do this even if I have a cold. My ability to do my job would immediately be subjected to close scrutiny. I have to spend a good deal of my time face to face with mentally ill people and there would be many considerations such as whether it would be practicable, let alone safe, for me to carry out domiciliary visits, whether the parts of the local psychiatric hospital that I need to frequent would be accessible (I can think of at least one area that isn’t). I doubt I could sustain the degree of dissembling required to carry it off and I am fairly certain that if I was ever found out I would instantly get the sack.
I am a very bad liar and I will not deceive people on such a scale. I’ve had car accidents and I’ve fallen from horses, the latter many times, but I’ve never suffered more than the odd bruise.
My colleagues and I come across a weird and wonderful variety of psychological states in our work, but BIID has never come up in any colleague to colleague conversation that I have been privy to in over a decade. I have my suspicions about how it would be regarded by people for whom I generally have the greatest respect, and my suspicion is that the reaction would not be an especially positive one.
On another tack, my GP is never going to write me a prescription for a wheelchair or a brace or a Blue parking Badge for a condition that is no t recognised. My psychotherapy referral came out of a desire by my psychiatrist to relieve my bi-polar disorder. Later, I told him about my BIID. He has explicitly discouraged any reference to it in my discussions with him since. My therapist, a senior (chronologically and academically) member of staff at one of Europe’s most ancient universities, is fascinated, but has told me that he knows of no specialists in BIID in our illustrious institution.
I might as well tell them all that I am a green blob from Alpha Centauri. Actually no; if I did that then I’d likely end up detained under the Mental Health Act.
My therapist is convinced that my version of BIID comes from a need to distance myself from others, a revulsion at being touched, on both a physical and an emotional plane, and a hatred of my own body. If I agree with him, and I am by no means certain that I do, then neither of us is sure where this comes from. It is equally possible that my need for physical detachment comes from my BIID. I feel like an automaton. At work, all things to all people. At home, an empty shell. Frankly I don’t know how much longer I can go on.
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6 Comments
Thanks Lane and sorry for the late reply but I have been away from home for a day or two. I hope people reading this don’t think I am being negative to you or to Chloe, because that is not my intent. I was just writing how it has been for me recently and I can’t find it in me to be positive right now. I do admire those of us who can be, mind you.
And my mood states inevitably influence my ability both to experience and to see positivity.
The other thing is that in the UK decent private therapy is at least £100 per session. I don’t have, and don’t believe in, private medical insurance – the NHS is better:¬) I am an employee of same. Private therapists are necessarily compromised as they are at risk of being motivated not to tell you things you amy not want to hear, which is a fatal flaw of psychiatry and psychotherapy if it is not free at the point of delivery. But of course unless you pay for your treatment you may not get a choice of worker, except maybe where there are significant gender issues.
I trust and am fine with both my specialists. And I don’t expect them to pay lip service to my vanities or blindspots. QED.
But I DO appreciate your thoughtful and considerate response. Thank you.
Sophie’s recent (July 30) post, “It’s All About You!”, was inspirational for me. She wrote down a list of positive things about herself (nothing negative), and encouraged others to do likewise. It’s not a simple thing for those of us with self-esteem issues. The hardest part for me was hitting the submit button, making it public. I’ve done these kind of exercises before, with my partner or a psychotherapist, but for some reason it really worked the magic this time.
Sophie specifically encouraged me to do this because she could see that I needed it. She was absolutely correct. Not a day goes by without me feeling grateful for this. Well Cath, I think you need it too. You are a wonderful, beautiful, unique, lovable human being. Hey, you work at helping people in distress. What’s not to love?
I really do understand how overwhelming and scary all this BIID stuff can be. Different people handle things differently, but my solution at work has been to break it up into small bite size easily digestible pieces. I think it was Claire who suggested this approach to me originally. Thank you, Claire! My first toe in the water was to start limping at work; that simple; not nearly as scary as contemplating a wheelchair.
And I have to agree with Lane; my own fear has always been the biggest factor holding me back.
Oh, coincidentally I am also from Alpha Centauri.
Thanks Chloe!
I’ve done those before too (for myself and with others), but it’s always good to be reminded at times like this.
I admire your courage and your ballsy attitude to your life. I wish I had that.
Cath, you have told us enough about your life for us to know that you have a great deal of courage. It is still there whether you are consciously acknowledging it or not.
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1 On 2 September, 2009, Ronald said:
A very interesting point is raised here, which will certainly be a big part of determining what type of treatment could eventually be applied to BIID: is it really BIID or other conditions manifesting as BIID.