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I Don’t Know How To Tell My Parents About This!
Written by Ada on Friday, February 20, 2009
I’m in my late thirties – I’m a grown up. Why should it matter? They are great people. And they are really great parents! I’m fortunate I was raised in a loving home, with two loving and committed parents. Their love for each other grows stronger each and every year, and it’s a fine and reassuring example that good relationships exist.
They are both very open minded people and simply want my sibling and I to be happy. They’ve not projected preconceived ideas for our lives upon us, and I think that is because they have *no* preconceived ideas about our lives. As long as we are self-sufficient and productive members of society, no matter to them what we do.
My sibling knows. I mentioned I don’t know how to tell mummy and dad, and the response was "Yeah. I don’t know either."
They live several hundred miles away, and I only see them a few times a year, so it really has no effect on my daily life. We speak on the phone every couple weeks – I certainly don’t tell them each and every detail of my daily life, and yet…. I’ve never kept a secret from them. Certainly not a *big* one. The fact that I haven’t told them yet isn’t technically a "secret" and yet it feels that way.
And what do I tell them anyway? Do I tell them all the nitty, gritty details about BIID? How does one explain that really more than anything, they want to be paralyzed. Why would anyone want to be paralyzed? Do I tell them I’ve had these thoughts nearly my whole life?
OR…
Do I mention in passing some reoccurring back problems, eventually throw in mention of a wheelchair, expand on that sometimes it’s easier for me to use a wheelchair and let them marinate on all that for a bit? None of that is a lie – it’s just not the whole truth.
Dad won’t care. He just wants me to be happy and he’s retired and as a result much more laid back than he’s ever been. Pragmatic mummy will probably say something to the effect of "you’re not paralyzed, you’re never going to be, so just suck it up and deal with it." That is what I’m doing. She’d likely be concerned I am taking resources away from people who really need them. Of course, I’m not taking resources away from anyone. I didn’t get a free wheelchair from a public assistance thereby denying someone who needs it. I don’t have a parking placard, so I’m not using a space someone else needs. And the restroom facilities – well, we’ll not even discuss that.
Ultimately, no matter what I tell them, they will love me and accept me. So why is it so hard?
I don’t want to burden them with worry. I love them!
Tags: BIID, Coming Out, paralyzed, Parents, Wheelchair, worry
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4 Comments
I would have dreaded telling my parents. I’m glad I don’t have to cross that bridge.
The most analogous situation is with the father of my previous long term partner. We are still very close. He still refers to me as his daughter, and I still call him “Dad”. One day I just showed up to dinner at his place, wearing leg braces, and explained everything (the truth) to him. He didn’t really get it. More recently, two months ago, I sat down with him and explained in detail more carefully. Now he gets it and is fine with it. He lives close to where I ski, so I often call after skiing to see if he’s home. He’ll put on a pot a coffee and I’ll stop in for an hour or so to chat. He thinks it’s funny that I go skiing and then crutch around his house right afterwards.
There’s no way I’m telling my parents any time soon. I already had to tell them I was atheist, and that was… Meh. My dad was totally cool with it, but that’s probably because he’s an atheist too. My mom, on the other hand, is Christian. She said something about “supporting my decision, but that she had seem proof that there was a God and hopefully I would see it someday too.” And now every once in awhile she makes a snide comment about what I do “now that I’m all atheistic.” Plus, I slipped and referred to my girlfriend as ‘she’ the other day, and she exploded and screamed that “You can play your little games, but Lexi is MALE!”
So, yeah. She doesn’t seem to understand transgender, no way would she understand this. o-o
For me, telling anybody about this is strictly on a need to know basis.
So far, the only living soul that knows about me is my wife. This was a constructive decision to tell her very early once we became serious as I felt this had the potential to become something serious later on in life.
Most people will not be able to comprehend this nor accept it. How long did it take each of us to fully understand ourselves? And we all know exactly what its like.
Why take the risk of trying to explain it, then have somebody go onto the ‘net and most definately get the wrong impression of the subject. Remember that somebody who hears this for the first time is only going to remember a few key phrases or words, the go off half cocked.
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1 On 20 February, 2009, Beth said:
I would love to even be able to contempate telling my parents about this but I really don’t feel that I can.
I’m like you Ada in that I don’t live near them and don’t see them more than a few times a year. I think with my family I would be most likely to go for the back problems – progressive approach.
What’s funny though is that with my husbands family I’d be more likely to go for the whole truth approach.
I think the difference is that from my family I’d rather they didn’t think I was too wierd and I know how disaproving my mum can be about the wierdest things (like doing well in an exam – she didn’t like it because I hadn’t worked hard enough to deserve a good grade!!!)
With my husband’s family I think they’d accept anything, and I wouldn’t want their sympathy so I’d prefer they knew that it was a ‘choice’ and that I was happy that way.
The two families see a little bit of each other though so I don’t think I could tell his family everything and leave my family in the dark about it all. I’d panic every time we had a family gathering that involved both his family and mine.
Anyway, perhaps I should be totally honest with my husband and make sure that he’s OK about things before I really think about who else to tell!