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Arguing Semantics With my Therapist
Written by Ada on Wednesday, December 24, 2008
As you know, I’ve been seeing a therapist. I did NOT start seeing him again to discuss or attempt to treat my BIID, as he cannot treat that. My BIID is related to some of the other issues I need to work on, and therefore it comes up. I contacted him again primarily because my anxiety had become nearly unmanageable.
One morning – I awoke for work, turned on the news, had my morning beverage and then as the time came to bathe and dress, I was unable to mobilize. After staring at my cat for 20 minutes, I was able to bathe and dress, albeit with some difficulty, and when the time came to walk out the door, I couldn’t do it. My legs started shaking so badly, I had to sit down. I literally could not walk. I could not walk because I have BIID and because I’m not a paraplegic, I have to walk. Good times! I left the house two hours late. I’m fortunate I have a job that my tardiness went unnoticed. Regardless, I knew this was a bad sign and must take action.
Funnily enough, my anxiety has diminished to an unrecognizable level since I started using my wheelchair. Believe me, remove the anxiety and the BIID, I’m still pretty f*cked up, so my therapist and I have plenty to talk about. He wants me to consider seeing his colleague who is a psychiatrist in case medication is warranted. I am vehemently resistant to taking medication (for myself only!!) unless in dire emergency. He knows this, and I agreed to contemplate seeing his colleague and revisit the subject at a later date. It seems a compromise we can both agree on.
Back to the subject of this post. And let me say this, I am satisfied with my therapist. He continues to be extremely supportive of my using a wheelchair, we’ve known each other a while, I’d rather work with him than most people I’ve met in the field, and I’m not up to the task of finding someone new and starting over.
That said, he doesn’t really get it. I mean, it seems sometimes he gets it a little, but not really. Frankly, I don’t expect him to. Our session started with me explaining I had a flare of depression, and that I had identified the cause, and it was behind me. So let’s "explore" that… Yeah. Let’s. (YUCK).
Then the questions… "How bad was it?" "Did you think about hurting yourself?" "Were you suicidal?".
Some of you here will understand this: when you live with chronic severe depression, hardly a day goes by when you don’t think about ending your life in some manner or another. I consider "suicidal" to be, knife in my hand and blood trickling down my arm. I’ve got the tools, I’ve started the job, question is: will I finish it. That’s suicidal. I do NOT consider suicidal as.. I’m driving in my car thinking, okay when the day comes when this gets too bad, I’ll drive off that embankment, that’s killed several people this year. Not today, but some day. Therapists do not view "suicidal" thoughts the same as I do, and therefore I’ve learned the verbal tap dance necessary to assuage fears. So I said: "No I wasn’t suicidal."
After I explained how I had reconciled the flare of depression and put it back in place (the details of this will post later) he wanted to talk about this "Body thing".
He wanted me to explain why I feel this way. I don’t know. I don’t care. I just do.
He wanted me to talk about what was so "desirable" about being a paraplegic. It’s not "desirable" at all. It just seems right.
He wanted me to talk about how I feel when I use my wheelchair. Better than when I don’t.
And on, and on.
I remarked about seeing myself in a reflection in my wheelchair, and seeing myself when people look at me when I’m in my wheelchair, and it just feels right. A-ha! He got it: it’s an emotional thing, let’s talk about emotions. "You said feel, that’s an emotional word. So what is it that feels right?" "Right" what is the feeling behind using the word "right". This is when we started to really argue semantics. I think myself an excellent communicator, but he didn’t understand the context of "right" in my sentence. Words, words, words… Ultimately, I said "natural" and he wrote that on in his pad, so something clicked.
All in all, it was our most heated session ever. In fact it wasn’t really heated, more animated. But the whole time, all I wanted to say, was "SHUT THE F*CK UP AND LISTEN TO ME!!! I’m paying you. This is MY dime. I get to talk about what I want! I DO NOT want to explore WHY I am this way! I DON’T CARE. I do NOT want to talk about emotional words! I do NOT want to have to figure out what words to use so you’ll *GET* it, because you are NEVER going to *get* it. You don’t have it, so you won’t *get* it!!! EVER!!!!!!!!!!" I’m pretty ballsy, and was a tad surprised I didn’t rant at him, but there is always next week :)
In closing, I said I was extremely grateful that I have my TA folks, who completely understand what I say, no explanation required. You people know what I mean when I say "right". It might have come off as a little bit of a dig to him, and perhaps it was.
Tags: Anxiety, BIID, Depression, Feelings, Therapist, Wheelchair
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5 Comments
2 On 24 December, 2008, Sean said:
So, Doris, as a doctor of psychology, what do you make of BIID? What, specifically, do you suggest those of us with BIID do to appease the anguish and pain we have because of it? Sensing and feeling is all nice and well, but that won’t help us.
Ada, I continue to be astonished at the similarity of things many of us experience. My anxiety levels are usually pretty high; I had commented to my partner a few weeks ago that a wheelchair is the best anxiolytic of which I am aware.
Yes, I know what you mean about people freaking out if you tell them you think about killing yourself most days. For me that’s just normal and not indicative of actually being suicidal, or even a serious depressive episode.
I am resistant to taking medication too. My partner had to twist my arm about it a bit. I’m glad she did.
Thank you for your comments Doris. My therapist *is* empathetic, and continues to validate me and the choices I make. Perhaps what didn’t translate in my post, is I think he is also trying to figure out the root of my BIID – which at this point is not a primary concern for me.
All in all it is a positive relationship. If it weren’t, I would stop seeing him.
As with Sean, I would be very interested to learn what you make of BIID. Have you encountered someone with BIID in your practice? Aside from empathy, what treatment would you recommend?
Chloe – Yes to everything you said :) Therapist is on holiday for two weeks, stay tuned for more on the meds… I think I’m wearing myself down on that point :)
Ada,this is MY therapist you’re talking about, no? :)
I’m with Chloe, I’m surprised to see how many similarities there are amongst us here. I have a big anxiety problem too and pretending I don’t have a left hand gives me huge relief.
Definitely a post that hits the point.
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1 On 24 December, 2008, Doris Jeantte, Psy.D. said:
Don’t pay anyone who is not able to be empathic.
You are talking about the major problem with talk therapy. A good therapist at least listens to you and validates where you are now–no matter where that is. This is called empathy.
Yet, even at its best, talk therapy is limited and not effective with anxiety or depression.
You need to stop talking and thinking and start sensing and feeling! Then you will make dramatic movement forward.