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My Perspective
Written by John on Saturday, September 9, 2006
Like Sean, and at least a few other people, I have had a strong and long-term desire to become physically disabled; to use Sean’s term, I am "transabled". In my case I want to become a spinal cord paraplegic, something that I share with Sean. My interest in disabilities and my desire to become disabled dates back to childhood. It is impossible to honestly say when I felt interest in being paralyzed but I do remember being fascinated by the sight of someone with an amputation or in a wheelchair from very early childhood, say age 5 or 6. Certainly by adolescence I wanted to become physically disabled myself. Though the desire to be unable to walk and restricted to using a wheelchair has always been part of the picture, I have also had interests in other disabilities both in terms of being a devotee and wannabe. Still, the desire to be a paraplegic has been the strongest by far.
A paraplegic in the street
Why anyone wants this sort of thing is hard to answer; being transabled is ingrained in my being. I didn’t choose to be this way but it is also true that I don’t sit around thinking that I would like not to be this way. I really can’t think that because wanting to become a paraplegic is a part of me. My only guess is that subtle combinations of events can easily trigger the developing child’s mind. If one sees someone in a wheelchair with paralyzed legs encased in braces, as I did so many years ago, AND some other trigger just happens to be present, then, maybe, you end up transabled. At least that is my way of rationalizing things, as it is impossible for me to believe that I made any kind of choice and it seems unlikely that there is some gene for being transabled.
As difficult as it is to understand the question why, the question what is much simpler. I really have a deep-seated desire to be completely numb and paralyzed from the waist down. While I have said, in some groups, that I desire to be a L2 or L3 paraplegic, that is sort of a practical view. Some L3 paraplegics are able to use leg braces and crutches around the house and a wheelchair out of the home; this could make some aspects of life less complicated. Really, however, in my heart of hearts, if I could just will it I would like to be a complete paraplegic somewhere between L1 to T10, have flaccid legs, and use a wheelchair full time with no option of ever walking again. Yes, I also desire a complete loss of sensation from the waist down with its consequences. It is hard to explain this part but I really think that I could have an enjoyable sex life as a paraplegic. Harsh reality, of course, might be different. The bottom line is that I really know that I would be more complete person if I were a paraplegic.
Unlike Sean and some others I don’t do much "pretending". While I love to sit in wheelchairs, doing so is extremely frustrating simply because I know that I can stand up and walk away at any moment. As far as I know, if I started voluntary wheelchair use, I would actually feel more frustrated and maybe more inclined to do something about it. Doing that something is, of course, incredibly dangerous. Instead of acquiring the desired level of paralysis, a staged "accident" could cause any number of less desirable outcomes including extreme pain, quadriplegia, or death. Thus while my feelings say that I want to become a paraplegic my rational mind has concluded that it will be better to not realize my wishes. This isn’t chickening out as I am sure any real, non-voluntary paraplegic would tell you. It is a frustrating decision to make but then, who knows what fate will bring.
Being transabled clearly has consequences: it is very lonely having these feelings because there aren’t too many people out there who can easily accept someone like me without being very judgmental. Until the internet I thought I was close to unique. Before the net I did manage to contact devotees of various flavors and found out that they mostly weren’t interested in wheelchair users or inclined to accept a paraplegic wannabe. Though there may be very few of us, the web has made contact possible but I know I have felt this way long before the internet–contact with like minded folks hasn’t made me transabled I grew up with this inclination.
During my life I have had to deal with depression, though it is relatively moderate depression. Today, with both medication and therapy, I am dealing with things much better. Curiously, that has had zero effect on my transabled desires, and if anything it helps me understand that I do want to become a paraplegic but also helps me stay rational and not take any life-threatening steps towards that goal. It is too easy to say that my frustration at not being able to be a paraplegic or being able to share that with many people has led to depression. Perhaps that has a role but I could have ended up depressed anyway for all I know. I just know that antidepressants will be part of my life for a long time.
Why should I communicate all of this especially if I have decided to not to paralyze my legs and lower body? Partly, this is a way of handling and controlling my desires. Also, as with Sean, I would like to see attitudes change towards the transabled. Though there is almost no chance that the medical profession will give us a chance to become voluntary paraplegics in the foreseeable future, it would be nice if the public at large is more accepting. Basically, most of us are reluctant to come out of the closet due to the under whelming level of acceptance. Coverage of BIID "sufferers" has often been cloaked in fairly extreme editorial opinion about how sick we are. Hopefully, society at large will come to embrace a more diverse range of approaches to life.
[tags]Paraplegic, Transabled, Wheelchair, Spinal+Cord+Injury, Depression, BIID, Frustration, Medication, Therapy, Disabilities, Childhood[/tags]This entry appears in Introductions, John's Thoughts, Other's Thoughts, Thoughts. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed.
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10 Comments
The idea that this is somehow built in or hardwired in us is again reinforced.
Remember, we are dealing with the inexperienced, naive, mind of young children when we first realize we are different and see what it is we desire. Children only know what they see, and until you see your first disabled person, you have no concept of what that is.
I also remember being fascinated by people with disabilities as a child. Some of my clearest memories are of seeing someone in a wheelchair at the pool, seeing a classmate in preschool with a broken arm, and hearing about a boy a few grades lower who the gym teacher yelled at because he physically couldn’t jump.
Yes Tora, me too. Actually everything from as simple as a band aid for a small cut, to the privilege of chatting with Stephen Hawking.
While I said that I was very lonely when I wrote this (2.5 yrs ago), it seems less lonely even if I haven’t been posting. What I mean is that it is amazing just how many people have come out and described being transabled. Though not common, this disorder or orientation seems much more common than many would have thought at one time.
For that we have Sean to thank for running this and thanks to everyone else for making us all feel a little less alone.
Hi John
I hadn’t read your post before and I just wanted to say that every time I read of someone else like me I feel a little less freakish. Thanks!
Just to echo what John and Cath said: I spent decades thinking I was the only one. How could anybody else be so crazy as to have similar thoughts? I believed that I would never ever be able to tell anyone about this. And here you all are, still leaving me with a sense of astonishment at our similarities. Thank you everybody!
What’s interesting is that so few of us blabbed about this to our loved ones (family members, spouses, etc.), even if we were at a young age or even if we are blabbermouths (such as myself). I tend to tell my parents everything, to the point of boring them, but this is something I never even came close to telling them, even when I was a child, because I knew it was so “weird” that nobody else could possibly understand or share the same feelings.
Yet, here we all are, in an open discussion about it. Like Chloe said, it’s astonishing.
Yes, I can identify 100% with John, Cath, Chloe and Gordo - and probably thousands of others out there. We spent years thinking we were alone, unique, and weird, feeling a kind of guilt, not daring to tell a soul. Thank goodness there is more openness about it now, even though we may still have some issues. Thanks to the www and sites like Sean’s!
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1 On 29 January, 2009, lauren kinsley said:
hi ive always felt very simular you do. i often think of way i which i could be paralized and i never knew why. i have been brought up with many disabled people. two are my best friends are wheelchair users and i play wheelchair basketball and coach powerchair football.