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My father, my BIID
Written by Sean on Tuesday, June 26, 2007
Somewhat recently, my father asked me to open up, and wondered why we were so distant, why we didn’t know each other very well. He said he wished we got to know each other better. I thought it would be a good idea. Obviously, one of the topics that we ended up discussing was BIID.
My father knew about my need to be paralysed. I had told both him and my mother a long time ago, when I was in my very early 20’s. At the time, I didn’t tell them it was called BIID (because it wasn’t), I was rather uncertain of myself and still tackling issues of guilt and shame about it. They had wanted me to go see a shrink about it, which I did once, but that went nowhere fast.
My dad always thought these thoughts were just a phase, just something I’d grow out of. He said to me on the phone once "But, you’re crazy!". I had answered "Yes, so what?". That shut him up at the time, and was the last thing we said about BIID since 1998 or so!
Back to present day. We exchange a series of emails, and I told him more and more about BIID. He admited that he felt overwhelmed and out of his depth, that he had no idea how to help. We talked some more. I explained what it feels like to have BIID, I told him some about the research out there, about those of us who managed to become amputees and how happy they ALL seem to be.
He’s said that he has no idea how to react, what to think. But that I am his son and he loves me, and that he’s there if I want to talk. This is good to know.
But I don’t need to talk, not to him. I don’t need to share about my BIID to him. He probably needs to be educated more about what it is, and what it is like, but that’s more for him to come to grips with my condition. I have most of all I need here, on this website and with the people I’m in contact with. And in a wa, I wonder if it’s even wise to talk to him too much about it. It would likely distress him tremendously were I to tell him how much it hurts when it hurts.
The thing is, at least, the gates are open in a way that they haven’t been before. I doubt seriously he’ll ever be "at peace ", he’s not equipped for it (I suspect some serious negative bias against disabilities in general to start with). But the door’s open. And that’s good and positive.
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13 Comments
He wants to understand, or at least to try to accept what he can’t understand in you. It’s coming out of his need, and in my book it’s OK to take care of others’ needs even if they can’t do much in the way of taking care of ours. No parent understands his/her adult child completely. We are our own persons, not extensions of them. I wish you both the very best in coming to a new basis of relationship.
Thats great, do share some things with, your BIID is part of you and he wants to know about your life.
4 On 27 June, 2007, Sean said:
Hmm. well, it’s a bit different than that, really. He said “I want to know you better”, and I shoved BIID down his throat :) I am not unhappy about his reaction in general, I think it’s natural for him to feel overwhelmed, although he *has* known about my BIID for 20 years now. *shrug* Time will tell on this one.
It is positive I think. How can he ever understand it when those who experience it cannot. He has given you his love and that is something many men never hear from their fathers even though they feel it.
Hi, I’ll try to be brief, but no promises !?!
If your dad’s anything like my dad, (he’s in his seventies now) He’s probably just looking for a few assurances that he has actually been a good father. My dad has been looking back over his own life and i kinda get the impression he does’nt want to think he’s wasted it. He wants to know that he has been of at least some use to his family and his friends. I guess he’s just looking for a bit of self-worth in what he thinks are his last few years.
Basically i think he wants to know that he’s been a good man and a good father !.
So, for me i just tell him of the good things, the things i’ve learnt from him, the times when i didnt appreciate his sacrifices and advice simply because i was too young, impetuous and narrow minded. The times when i didnt show him the respect he deserved, but that i now understand. Basically i just let him know that he HAS been a good father and a good man. I dont lie to him mind you, but now’s not the time for selfish nit-picking, and it’s not really the time or the place to open up to him and reveal all my deepest darkest secrets. To be honest he’d probably have a heart attack if i tried to explain BIID, and i think he’d probably cut me out of his will if he knew how many drugs i had and how many women i shagged when i was younger !!! not to mention working for some local gangsters dealing in drugs and a bit of breaking and entering (just the folly of youth i guess, i’m a really nice law abiding bloke now, honest).
For me, its a time to be a mature son and not that stupid insensitive teenager he lived with all those years ago. And just let him know that i did grow up to be a good man myself. (my opinion)
Don’t know if this is the same for you Sean, but if i were you i’d just tell him of the positive things in your life, and just tell him how much you appreciate respect and love him.
I think your relationship with your father has nothing to do with BIID. It might be possible that you read something about relationships from S. Freud (he was a fictional author of literature 150 years before from London and he was paedophile). I think you should go back to important questions here on this website.
Sean I think you need to get an edit button on these post cause there’s always things i forget to mention in my posts.
When your father asked you to open up, he probably wanted to know simple stuff like what beer you drink, what football team you follow, what kind of car you’d drive if you had the money, stuff about you job etc. Just remember you moved away years ago and he has’nt really seen you grow up and develop into the man you are today.
I’m sure he never burdened you with his innermost thoughts so its probably best not to burden him with yours, just keep it simple. I dont think he was asking or expecting a confessional.
Dont be soppy about it though, dont throw yourself into his arms and tell him you love him in floods of tears like a little girl, be a man, shake his hand and do that head nod thing like men do when they’re scared to show a bit of emotion. Be subtle, be cool and keep it simple.
9 On 28 June, 2007, Sean said:
Will, I appreciate your feedback, and at the same time, you’re reading my father wrongly :) He’s not the “typical” guy and know for a fact that he was talking about getting to know the internal workings of me, not the superficial stuff. And yes, he has shared stuff with me like that.
teldec, BIID touches every aspects of our lives, including our relationship with our parents. And if in the journey that is my life I happen to discuss BIID with my father, and it impacts on me, I *will* discuss it here. I have no idea what Freud has to do with my post, although I find your interpretation of Freud amusing.
A thought: No one with a disability *is* their disability, be it paraplegia, BIID, whatever. Disability colors who we are but must not control it. So look, Dad, this is what I’ve got, it’s part of who I am but by no means all of it. My level of happiness is proportional to my ability to wheel through life rather than walk. My legs don’t help me, it’s strange but true. I’m a grownup, I don’t need your permission to take care of my condition, but I’d be happy for your acceptance of me as I am. Can I invite you to lunch at [accessible restaurant]?
11 On 28 June, 2007, Sean said:
Brice, that’s pretty much what I’m telling him, minus the invite to lunch. He’s several thousand miles, one ocean and one continent apart :)
12 On 3 July, 2007, Eric said:
Hi Sean. Just wondering if there are any updates about this situation?
13 On 4 July, 2007, Sean said:
Nothing to report Eric, status quo, etc
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1 On 26 June, 2007, Eric said:
I think it’s an amazing thing that your dad has opened that door. I wish my own father could do that. He’s missing out on so much, and this could be the very best thing that ever happened to you both.
Remember that unless someone lives the life you live, they will never truly understand, so the idea of educating your dad is a moot one. But, it does not mean that he cannot walk beside you in everything and become one of your greatest advocates.
Best of luck with it all.