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Most important thing in my life
Written by Sean on Saturday, January 20, 2007
5 and a half years ago, I started interacting with my partner. She knew me only as a paraplegic. 5 years ago, I had a feeling we might be getting serious and long term, so I told her about me being transabled. She seemed to take it all in stride, and appeared to "get it". She knew how big this was in my life, or so I thought. In fact, I had made it a point to explain what being transabled was about, explain about how much I use the chair, how much I *need* the chair, etc.
I thought I had been clear enough. I thought it was obvious how big a factor in my life this shiite of a BIID is.
I was wrong.
The last several weeks have been extremely rocky between my partner and myself, for several reasons, most of them unrelated to me being transabled. Part of this roller coaster ride included a rather interesting discussion a few days ago, where we talked about the impact of my wheelchair in our lives.
She asked: "Are you saying that I can never be the most important person/thing in your life?"
She also asked: "You mean that you can never be trully happy with me?"
And she finally asked: "If God appeared in front of you right now, and gave you the choice between being a paraplegic or continuing our relationship, which would you chose?". I had to answer honestly, I’d pick the SCI. It shook her.
So, it appears that she wasn’t aware of just how big this need to wheel actually is in my life. And I’m not sure how much clearer I could have been. She didn’t realise I have transabled thoughts constantly, all the time. She thought it just came and went. Did she *want* it to just come and go, did she play ostrich? I don’t know, I would like to think not, that she was genuinely unaware. But that seems to say that she’s a bit blind.
No, unfortunately, she isn’t the most important thing in my life. The thing is, NO ONE can ever be. It’s nothing personal against her. It’s just that the need to be a para is there, high up there, above all. Nothing can ever be the most important thing in my life, unless of course I finally become a para.
And she’s right, she can never make me trully and completely happy. It’s like I have two lives, in boxes. One box contains the BIID "thing", the other contains the rest of my life. Within the "rest-of-my-life" box, she can, and has, made me very happy. But if you account for both boxes, even if the "rest-of-my-life" box was filled to the brim with happiness, there would always be sadness, anguish, despair, left in the BIID box. As far as the one box is concerned, yes, she can fullfill that, as much as *anyone* possibly could.
But still, BIID is in the way.
And I realise it can’t be easy for her, unfortunately.
But somewhere, somehow, that conversation has left me feeling like there was major miscommunication before we got together. Either I wasn’t clear enough, or she wasn’t listening, or she thought I’d change, or I don’t know. As a result, we’re both unhappy about it.
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3 Comments
Hello Sean,
Nice to hear you are back.
I like this title “Most important thing in my life” as this is THE issue. For me, my husband is also not the most important “thing” which is not a problem because we share the #1 issue. It’s not BIID which comes under “rest-of-my-life”. It’s our common faith in Christ - not religion! - a great foundation for our marriage. Here I realize again that my perspective is different from yours and many others. BIID is very strong. I have lived with it for more than 30 years and couldn’t stop it, on the contrary. But it’s not THE issue. The consequence of what I am writing her is that my husband might understand. Still I won’t tell him. He would be too worried about me.
3 On 24 January, 2007, rorschach said:
I hope she can come to appreciate your honesty.
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1 On 21 January, 2007, jen said:
I’m so sorry it has turned out this way. I’m sure her intentions were only for the best, hoping that she could continue to turn a blind eye to the issue, that it would go away, or resolve itself to her satisfaction. Unfortunately, all of these don’t seem to include her working toward acceptance.
I almost wonder if you could have continued life as a para. Most ABs would be none the wiser.