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Monday musings

Written by Sean on Sunday, March 19, 2006

I am looking at a co-worker walking back and forth. She is wearing a skirt. Women donâ??t wear skirts nearly often enough. But there are two in this office that do on a semi-regular basis. This isnâ??t bad at all. One of them is about as attractive as a rabid pitt-bull (though her mental abilities are more clam-like than dog-like). The other is attractive, in a fluffhead kinda way. But Iâ??m not into co-workers. It causes entirely too much trouble. My dog, however, thinks itâ??s the greatest of fun to stick her cold nose up womenâ??s skirts. I swear I didnâ??t train her to do that!

I should be working, I canâ??t concentrate. Thereâ??s not a heck of a lot to do anyway. One could always find "busy-work" to do, one knows, but what the hell? My mind is drifting. Thinking about that ever elusive spinal cord injury. Thinking about depression that is continually playing havock. Paying attention to my body.

I am aware of my butt slowly going numb. I havenâ??t moved or shifted in my chair since I sat in it, 3 and a half hour ago. My toes are obviously not "gone", yet I can convince myself that I donâ??t really feel them. Iâ??m all too aware of them existing and being there, however. I can feel, a little bit, the pressure of the footrest against the bottom of my feet, just from the weight of my legs pressing down. My ankles tingle, they havenâ??t moved either. It would be easy to move, but not moving is better. My knees may get sore, and stiff, so will my hips. Every once in a while, I feel my thigh muscles tighten, I have to consciously relax them. Tonight, when Iâ??ll get out of this chair and lay down, I shall have to stretch, because the hip tendons need it and will definitely start feeling tight. The small of my back is sore from the pressure of the backrest against it.

So aware of my lower body, and so much wanting to be rid of those physical feelings. Strange how that works out. Daydreaming.

Daydreaming about meeting up with other like minded people. Having met Sophie several times, and starting to speak with Maria, Iâ??m thinking Iâ??d really like to get together, just have fun. Revel in the pleasure of being me, with people who can be themselves, without worrying about being thought strange, or people thinking that itâ??s a bloody drag to get the chair in and out of the car, or not being able to go to the tourist attractions that arenâ??t accessible.

I decided Iâ??d look for a therapist. Not to discuss chair issues, no point in doing so at this point. These issues, I cover here, and discuss them with my friends. I may come to talk about it at some point, but the only reason Iâ??d have would be if the person is able to send me to a surgeon who would do the SNIP. Still, I have depression issues, and I have relationship issues. Perhaps talking to someone about those may help. It canâ??t hurt too much, I donâ??t think. Thing is, I need to do *something* before I explode, or implode, or whatever the hell it is Iâ??m on the verge of doing.

The problem is, of course, finding the right person to work with. I wonâ??t work with a man, bad experiences there (having been raped by my first therapist just didnâ??t inspire confidence). I need a wheelchair accessible location. I donâ??t want someone whoâ??ll just want to pump me full of drugs. I need to find someone I get along with, so I may have to "shop" some. And shopping some, in a small city, with the criteria I have, may prove to be something to put in the "too hard basket".

It doesnâ??t hurt, however, to look for someone specialising in gender issues, one never knows if the mood strikes me to discuss the chair issues, might as well have someone there that will be able to help with a bit better understanding, I guess. Who knows?

And we shall see what happens with my search.