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Lying to myself
Written by Sophie on Wednesday, March 14, 2007
You can’t live with it, and you can’t live without it. You can’t deny it, but at the same time you have to try. Looking at pictures makes me long. Pulls at that feeling inside me that tells me that should be me weaving my chair through the crowds. I have to try and pretend that I am over all of this or my life with my folks will be hell. It’s ironic that people accuse us of being fakes, nothing but pretenders, wannabes, when really the only time I’m pretending is when I’m trying to fool myself and others around me that I’m not.
Here’s looking at you, kid.
I am. How should I manage this? People tell me I should just tell my parents the truth, but realistically that would make my life so much harder. My parents told me they thought I was mentally deranged, sick, in need of help when I had "that problem".
I told them that I’m "over it" and they believe me, no questions asked. It just goes to show how little they understand any of this, because one can’t simply get over this. How long do you think I’ll last before I "blow my top"?
It’s hard trying to be open and honest regarding my financial status with my family (not only my parents) when I’m trying to keep this massive big secret. I tell myself that it’ll all be worth it when I’m in the US and financial worry free. At this rate it’s looking like that may take years to achieve. I can’t be bothered talking to anyone, but at the same time I know that I need to. I have to hold on, I have no other choice.
[tags]Parents, Transabled, Financial Status, Lying, Secrets[/tags]
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2 Comments
2 On 15 March, 2007, Sophie said:
Don’t get me wrong…maybe I should have worded it better I should have said “In the US with a better understanding and control over my finances”. This whole thing has been a learning curve that I don’t wish to repeat.
We’ve been trying to find me a therapist. The one that mum and dad initially wanted me to see decided I shouldn’t see her cuz she’s good friends with my mother (I think that was very professional of her considering she is a Christian councillor). So we’re back looking for a therapist that I like, and that my parents feel happy with me seeing.
Lol, who knows, maybe one day there will be a BIID awareness week like they have with all the other “impairments” here in NZ…I think maybe that will be a long way off…I only wish there was some way to better educate my parents without making life tougher.
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1 On 14 March, 2007, Sean said:
Hey!
The thing is, you *are* sick. You have a mental illness. It’s not going away. You can’t just “get over it”, just be wishing it away. Mental illnesses don’t work that way.
Your parents *must* understand that, somehow. I know they’ve been bugging you to see a therapist. Perhaps going to see one and working on that, then getting them in on a session where you tell them, with the backing of the therapist, that it’s not possible to just “shrug it off” might work? Or perhaps there’s nothing you could do or say that would convince them. I certainly don’t know.
As for being in the US “free and without financial worries”… Don’t forget, it doesn’t matter *where* you are, it has to come from within. If you can’t stay free of debt in one place, chances are, you won’t be able to do so in another place.