Looking sad
Written by Sean on Tuesday, February 27, 2007
I looked at myself in the mirror the other day. My eyes were dark, almost lifeless. I looked horribly sad. Not sad in the "puppy" kind of way, that’s cute. I saw pain and hurt and depression in those eyes. Why does it seem like other people don’t see it?
Here’s looking at you, kid.
I guess I don’t expect others, such as colleagues, to either notice or comment on it. But I’d expect my partner to see it. But either she doesn’t, or she isn’t commenting. Perhaps she’s ignoring it on purpose? She seemed surprised when I recently told her how down I was. Could she really be?
I’ve sent a few photos to friends. Of 6 friends who got photos, 5 commented that I looked really down. Does it only show through on photos? Surely not. At times, it feels like sadness is pouring out of me from every pore of my skin. I find it interesting that internet friends whom I’ve never actually met before see a photo of me and tell me that I look depressed, yet those who live with me don’t see it.
I try and mask it. I try and put on a "happy face", because no one wants to be around someone who’s depressed all the time. I don’t think I succeed, but perhaps I am, perhaps I am indeed. Or perhaps it is simply that they have gotten used to see me like this, and think it’s normal. Normal… It seems to be the norm for me to be depressed and have transabled feelings. Is normal good then?
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2 Comments
I understand that chronic sadness thing. I’ve been repeatedly diagnosed with depression, and had all manner of anti-depressants prescribed for me. None of them have been effective, nor will they be, because none of them addresses the underlying causes of the depression. Being forced to live in a role to which one is not suited, with very little hope of ever seeing it corrected, can bring depression, despair, and hopelessness, and that will show as sadness in the eyes.
Sometimes I wonder if I’m doing myself a disservice the times that I can fake a smile, and say ‘fine’ or ‘okay’ when people ask how I am - because people prefer to believe that, rather than look for the truth.
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1 On 2 March, 2007, Marie said:
I think people get used to it. After I came out to my mother she said she always wondered why I was so sad all the time.
That raises the question of whether or not she was ignoring it or didn’t know what to say to coax me to confessing things.