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Living your dreams?
Written by Claire on Wednesday, September 12, 2007
Recently I have been told by people here, and in private, and on other forums, that I am living their dreams. That they wish they could do what I did. But they can’t, couldn’t, wouldn’t. Can’t yet, can’t now, can’t ever.
The thing is, I told Sean exactly that not a year ago. I said I can’t pretend. It’s not for me. I live in a small town where everyone knows everyone, I have a family, it costs too much to go on pretending trips out of town, I don’t know how to hide my wheelchair, yada yada yada. Those things were all true.
But I made it happen. I waited 30 years, but I made it happen. It took some time. It was a logistical nightmare. It was a series of baby steps. I didn’t even know where I was headed at first. A year ago I was lurking on this site, terrified to post, and I had no idea that I was ever going to go pretending, much less go to school as a wheeler. If you’ve been reading my blog regularly you know it’s been ups and downs, and sometimes the "dream" is very nearly a nightmare. But it’s still my dream, and I’m living it.
My psychologist told me this week that she supports me because she sees so many people who reach their twilight years never having realized any of their dreams because they were too afraid. Too afraid of what people might think, what people might say, too afraid to venture out of their comfort zone, too afraid of spending money, too afraid of getting caught…and at the end of their lives, all they have is memories of doing a lot of things they didn’t really want to do, and a whole lot of regrets that they never did what they really wanted to do.
I am afraid too!! I’m TERRIFIED as a matter of fact. So much so that I’ve been to the emergency room twice in the last two week with anxiety attacks. But I am not going to live my life constantly dreaming about doing what I am afraid to do, not fully living my life because I’m never really "there", to find myself at the end of my life wondering what in the heck I did with it. I’m wheeling, now. Not full time, no, but I’m wheeling. I don’t know how long it will last. I’d like to say forever, but who knows where this will take me? Maybe it will all explode in my face. But whatever happens, I will always be able to look back on this time and say "I did it." I was a wheeler, and I made my dream happen.
You can too. Really, you can.
I don’t want to live your dreams. I want you to live them.
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6 Comments
I’m surprised this entry hasn’t gotten as much attention as your others. Great entry though. I love the sentiment.
3 On 17 September, 2007, Claire said:
Thanks guys. :o)
Rorschach, I’m not surprised. Deafening silence can say as much as 30 comments.
Plus I have not been doing a very good job responding to my comments so everyone may have simply given up on me. Who knows?
I’ll try to do better on that score. :o)
I wanted to respond sooner, but was away for the weekend.
2 times to the hospital with anxiety attacks in one week, you’ve gotta do something. The consequences of not wheeling as you wish will certainly tear you up in a short time. Your mental health is not worth what other people think, period. Screw them. Why give a damn about some passerby, you do not know, will never know and will never pass by again? When you want somebody’s opinion, you tell them what it is and that is that.
I have been dreaming of wheeling but Im not sure if I can bring myself to it. I feel like a person with an alchohol addiction who daily thinks about the drink but somehow survives each day not doing it. If I start I probably won’t be able to stop. I am engaged to a man (we live together) and although I’ve hinted to my interest in wheelchairs, he knows not to the slightest degree my intense desire to live as a para. Do I continue to try to maintain some control on this desire? Or do I let it out of the box? Argh…if it only were easy.
6 On 10 November, 2007, Claire said:
@wantwheels: There is something to be said for that. Once you start wheeling, you don’t want to stop. The way I explain it is this: you get used to unhappiness, but once you get a taste of happiness you want to hang on to it. Only you can decide if you want to try to maintain control over it or not. I finally caved in, and though in some respects life has indeed become more complicated, on the other hand, I feel so much relief and I feel like myself. I wouldn’t go back.
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1 On 13 September, 2007, mixedbreed said:
Heartening post, Claire. Thanks.