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Home / Thoughts / Living life is exhausting

Living life is exhausting

Written by Sean on Monday, May 8, 2006

For the last two or three weeks, I’ve been trying to focus my thoughts around a concept that has been slowly emerging and finally, today, in therapy, everything kinda coalesced. "Living life is exhausting". I reach 5 or 6pm, and I have no energy left. I’m drained most of the time, both emotionally and physically.

This realisation started with my trying to explain to my partner that I’m no good to her in bed at night. She likes to be intimate last thing before we go to bed, and that can be pushed later and later, but I was thinking that it doesn’t really matter, by 10pm or 10:30, I’m gone. I may be able to be up, and chat, or read, or do web stuff, but for things of import, the batteries are empty. (and no, I don’t need Viagra, that bit of equipment works fine, it’s the rest of the body which can’t seem to get itself going)

In any case, when I tried to explain it to her, she’s accused me of using depression as a cop-out. And I’m not, or if I am, not in this case. It’s an explanation, not an excuse.

I’ve known that a while now. I tried on and off to explain it to her, but without great success because I wasn’t really clear on what I wanted to say, much less how I needed to say it to be understood. Somewhat recently, I told her that by the end of the day, I came home bushed.

Then it occured to me that depression, as low grade as it is, constantly chips at the energy reserves. I recharge the battery after a (hopefully) good night of sleep. I get up, and that starts getting discharged really quickly. Dealing with little day-to-day activities seems to take more out of me than out of other people. Heck, just the act of getting out of bed takes oodles out of me. Then gearing to feed the dogs. Getting dressed. Getting out the door and on towards work. Picking up the phone to settle a bill. All inconsequential stuff, really, taken individually. But it’s eating at energies I sometimes don’t really have.

Oh, there’s always a bit more available, but it really does leave me depleted. It allows me to go through the motion, to survive rather than live.

Depression is partly cause, and being transabled as well. Or rather, the way I experience those things. One of the things I’ve noticed is that I very rarely *don’t* have an internal going "dialogue".

And so, at afternoon’s end, I’ve spent an entire day wasting energy, both physical and emotional. The only thing I want to do is brainless stuff. Dive in a hot bubble bath, read sci-fi novels, escapism, I’ll grant you that, but it doesn’t take much out of me.

So, living life is exhausting. Surviving is generally the motto, with rare moments of "life".

I’m not sure where that leaves me. One would think that if depression could be gotten rid of, along with the transabled stuff, energies would get back up. Not that simple, nor really easy either. Maybe I need to change my diet? Maybe I should hang crystals upside down above my pillows? Maybe… Maybe I just don’t know. Maybe I’m full of shit. Maybe maybe maybe.

Time to get my tired ass to bed along with the rest of me if I want to have a hope of getting through tomorrow without falling apart completely the moment I come home from work.

Ciao bella!