transabled.org

 

• About
• Login
• Register
• Contact
• Accessibility

Google Search:
Web transabled.org Go

 

Home / Thoughts / Other's Thoughts / Limbo (sans the mambo music)

Limbo (sans the mambo music)

Written by Maria on Saturday, February 3, 2007

Well Sean has been asking me for eons to write something for the site, but I’ve been crazy busy until lately. So, here goes. It’s probably nothing worth reading, just my slightly edited ramblings.

I’ve always (for as long as I can remember, anyhow) been interested in, and sort of drawn to, blindness, deafness, wheelchairs, and even just broken bones. Yes, it gets that simplistic. I used to be attracted to people (guys and girls) who posesses these particular characteristics.

I remember vying for a classmate’s attention in the first grade simply because his foot was broken and he was using crutches. As soon as his foot healed, he no longer interested me. I know. I’m horrible. Then in the third grade, I developed a crush on a boy who used two over-the-ear hearing aids. Sign language fascinated me (and still does). In the fourth grade, a girl I knew hurt herself somehow and had to use a wheelchair for the second half of the school year. I wanted to be her best friend, but she was just too stuck-up to even approach.

All during my elementary school years, a nearby guide dog school would train their dogs at the mall in our town. I thought they were the coolest thing. I wanted to have one. Then in middle school, a lady from the state school for the blind came for an assembly. She showed how canes were used, how braillers worked, what braille looked like, etc. I wanted to do that. I wanted to play with those things.

All through my high school years, I mainly only thought of blindness. And by this time, I had realized that I wasn’t attracted to people with said characteristics. No. I wanted to be them. I wondered for a time if I were bisexual because of my attractions to guys and girls, until I realized this. It was a relief, sort of. I think it might be easier to be attracted to other women (simply because that is possible) than want to be them (this is obviously not possible). Also… Bisexuality is a lot less taboo nowadays than is being transabled. But I digress…

So after high school and about four years afterwards, I mainly only thought about blindness and blindsimming and braille and such. I even enrolled in a visual impairments program at a university. In fact, I’m still there. Visual impairment is fascinating to me on so many levels.

Feeling right in one’s own chair.

After I began talking to Sean (it’s all your fault, Sean), I seriously thought of buying a wheelchair. I’d always liked playing in them when I had the chance (at church or the hospital). I would sometimes pretend I couldn’t move my legs when I’d be on a long car trip. Or I would lock my door and try to get from the floor to my bed without using my legs. When I eventually bought a wheelchair, I at first did it just for fun. For me, it was just a new rolling toy like a bike or rollerblades. But something else happened.

I began wanting to go out in public in the chair. I began wanting to see what it would feel like to transfer from my chair to my car, my bed, the floor, whatever, without using my legs. I’d try to lay in bed without moving my legs, seeing how positioning myself would feel. Challenging? Yes. But I liked it.

So… This, in a way, bring me to what Sean really wanted me to write about. I feel caught in limbo at the moment. I realy love blindsimming and have thought for a long time that I would only be truly happy if I were blind. Now, however, I feel I’m changing. And I feel this change challenges the validity of my feelings. When I’m using the chair, I feel comfortable. I feel good. When I blindsim, I only feel like I’m having fun. How could I have done such a turn around after so much time? Am I not worthy to want to use a chair because it seems I can’t make up my mind? I really do hate this limbo. It burns like I’m sure does purgatory. Only this isn’t cleansing me and reaffirming my faith. I feel it is making me not trust my thoughts and desires. To quote Isaac Brock: "My mind changes me so much I can’t even trust myself."

Tags: Blind, Blindness, Blindsimm, Wheelchair, Limbo

Vote if you like
this post.
0 Vote