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Letting It All Out
Written by Claire on Wednesday, October 18, 2006
I came "out" just over a week ago. Not to my family and friends, but to a bunch of anonymous people. It’s turned my life upside-down. For months I’ve felt this driving need to talk about it. Now I’ve finally worked up the courage to declare myself to other transabled, and it’s been an emotional roller coaster ride. Have you been wanting to let it out and afraid to do it? Here’s what you can expect.
A sad captive woman looks out
onto freedom.
- Terror that you will be found out by your loved ones, if you post anonymously on some BIID forum
- Relief that you’ve finally let it out. Once you make that first post, the dam breaks. You can’t stop it all come flooding out. You can’t hold it in anymore.
- Compulsion - a driving need to check the web-based email account you set up just for your BIID issues. You can’t stop checking the forum to see if there are new messages. To see if anyone out there is listening, or has any answers.
- Fear that someone at home will see where you’ve "been" online, find out what you’re doing.
- Courage, because you realize you must overcome this somehow, or die.
- Surprise that so many people have had the same experiences, desires and thoughts as you.
- Despair, that this is incurable and it will never go away like you hoped it would. In fact it will only get worse.
- Hope, that maybe somehow, someday you can realize your dream. You really can pretend, or you can go all the way like some of the other courageous souls out there.
- Resolution to do what you need to do to realize the dream. If nothing else, you’re going to pretend. You’re going to buy that wheelchair or those crutches.
- Guilt, if you are involved with the disability community, that you have finally completely become what they so hate.
- Sorrow, that they will feel that way, and that you can never tell them who you truly are.
- Pleasure, if you’re lucky, you’ll make a new friend. The first one in your life who’s ever known this side of you. Who care’s if they’re on the other side of the planet?
- Hilarity, because sometimes, it’s just so absurd, all you can do is laugh, or else you’ll just go quietly mad.
Yes, all this can be yours if you finally decide to accept who you are and seek out others like you. But you know what? You were already feeling all of this and more. You were at the breaking point already.
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11 Comments
Whether or not it was “worth it” is almost a moot point, Sean. It had to happen, or I was going to go mad. The dam was going to burst, regardless. But the thing is, once that happens, it lets some of the pressure off and you can start to deal with it. So, yeah, it was worth it because now I can come to terms with it and try to resolve it in some way, find some measure of peace. Plus, item #12 makes up for all the rest. :o)
This is a wonderful summary, Claire. I am still in the process of deciding if I want to let it all out. Not to my husband or friends, but I made a start here. And yes, item 12 is the best. #6 was the biggest surprise for me too.
This is truly one of the classic MUST read posts. Claire, you captured so well all this complexity of emotion.
I first read this in the early part of this year, still experiencing primarily terror, months before finding the courage to post my first comment on this site. Now, rereading this, it all seems so familiar. The ride has been wild indeed.
5 On 26 November, 2008, Claire said:
Thanks Chloe. That was my first post! I had so much more to say back then. Now, what I have to say, I can’t seem to get out.
7 On 26 November, 2008, Sean said:
Claire, getting it out starts with writing one word, then another, then a third, and the first sentence or three may not be coherent, but pretty soon, it’ll flow :) We *all* wish you wrote more :)
Yes, I agree, this is a great post! I love the distanciation in it, and it also reflects my own recent experience - item 3 (compulsion) especially got to me and made me laugh because this exactly what I’ve been up to lately :) I feel very much like a teenager discovering the big world.
Thank you, Claire
Well, I have just ‘come out’ at least to you. I am considering doing the same with my new therapist, but I am still working out the best way and I may not find the courage.
I live alone which helps, maybe. Not sure I could learn to share my home with someone again these days - I have too many eccentricities to want to accommodate someone else’s as well. It’s a lonely existance, but BIID gives it a plus side at least.
Cath, I think I know what you mean. at least on your own you may have the possibility of faking an accident and living your dream. I couldn’t do that to my husband, wife in a wheelchair is not what he signed up for at all and he doesn’t even like to see me in it in the house really, though he usually lets me when I want to.
Claire, your post really captures all that I feel about BIID at the moment, it’s very much one of those “me too!!!!!” posts.
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1 On 18 October, 2006, Sean said:
Thank you Claire, this is a brilliant overview. There appears to be more negatives in your list than positives. Would you say it was worth it, this “coming out” of yours?