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Home / Thoughts / Letters and stupendous news from home

Letters and stupendous news from home

Written by Sean on Friday, January 27, 2006

My mother is planning to come and visit with me in the next few months. She’s never done this since I’ve lived as a wheeler, in over a decade. The few times we met during that time, I had to travel to her, and leave my wheelchair behind. As she was discussing this trip more seriously, I emailed her and told her that she had to be aware that I use the chair in town, and that I wouldn’t be able to stop that just because she’s here. Her response blew me straight out of the water! Perhaps, just perhaps, there’s hope for the future.

Mother and I never have had a very smooth relationship. It’s been rather difficult. In fact, when I go visit with her, after a couple days, it’s been enough, and there often is a fight before I leave. I shan’t go into details, we all know how difficult a parent/child relationship can be. In 1992 or ‘93 I told both my parents about being transabled. It was a clumsy telling. I didn’t know myself as well as I do now. I didn’t understand this "thing" of mine as well as I do now (inasmuch as anyone can understand). I still felt unsure of myself about it, felt guilty and ashamed of it. It wasn’t the most conducive way to tell.

In fact, things are received very differently depending on how one comes out of the proverbial closet. The way you say it, the things you say, how you say them, will influence the attitudes of people who get the "newsflash". It certainly won’t be the only factor, but if you sound uncertain and tentative about it, it’s difficult to convey the message that you are happier wheeling than not. And so in retrospect, telling my parents the way I did probably tainted their perception of my telling. Also looking back, I see that at the time, I had no other way of telling them, nor real control over telling them or not. But with or without a choice in it, my own uncertainty about my feeling may have given them the wrong "impression".

For years after I told them, my transability has been the elephant in the living room, that you ignore and work around, without talking about it. Oh, once in a while, the topic came up. Once my father, drunk, rang me, and told me that it was a stupid choice. He was obviously in pain that I was living this way. I suspect he probably wondered where he "went wrong" in bringing me up. In the end, he exclaimed "but, you’re crazy", and I said "so what?". That stopped him in his track! I think it was the last time we discussed it. On one visit with my mother we sat in the garden of a pub, sharing a beer, and talked a little bit about it. She said that she was at least glad I was in therapy and trying to resolve the demons. But she was still fighting it. I wished it had been otherwise, but I really couldn’t blame them for that.

By silent agreement and understanding, I just didn’t refer to my use of the chair when talking/writing to them. I censured a lot of my daily life in order to spare them.

I am giving you this background, because I think it’s important to understand a little bit how big a milestone this latest email from my mother is. So, in response to my bringing up the fact that I couldn’t just stop wheeling because she was visiting me on my turf, she wrote:

I found your email about your wheelchair very sensitive. I had thought of it. It’s part of my journey. I don’t know if I’m ready to see you as a person with a disability. I don’t know that I’ll really ever be ready, but it doesn’t matter, ready or not, I’m going. Since it’s your reality. Fear of confronting reality is often, almost always, worse than reality itself. And in any case, might as well deal with it. And I think that the context of ********* [country name hidden] with its marvelous landscapes will ease the situation and I may simply de-dramatise it. There’s tons of maybes but one sure thing, I simply want to see you as happy as possible, including your wheelchair.

Huge step forward this. First, it looks like she’s finally accepted it’s part of my reality. She’s reconciled herself with the fact it’s not just a passing whim of mine. Then she’s willing to see me "in context".

I’m not kidding myself, we’re not out of the woods yet. It’s likely to be difficult still. But the door is opened to go forward. It will probably be awkward but heck, I’ll live with awkwardness before denial anytime!

This one took almost 15 years… Wow! Well, my friends, this tell you. If you tell your parents, family, friends, loved ones, you may have a very long, difficult, unpleasant journey ahead of you. But it’s not a hopeless trip!