transabled.org

There’s been several people I’ve “helped” along. People who were quite “happy” plowing along, knowing something was wrong within them, but never quite putting the finger on it. And once they discovered that they weren’t alone, that others were dealing with the same issues, it was a revelation.

But then, with that revelation came the understanding that there’s no real help for us, thanks to a medical establishment that is narrow focused and won’t get past their preconceived notions against impairments. And that hurts.

It hurts to realise that there is not any real help. It’s easier for some. If you need to be an amputee, dry ice can do the trick. If you need to be deaf, you “only” have to fire a gun in a pool while your head is submerged (or so I’ve been told). Of course, you still have to explain it to the medicos afterwards. And I’m not suggesting anyone do this. There *are* tons of risks… Just pointing out that there *are* options. But those of us needing to be paralysed… Welll… we’re fucked.

But! Being able to share and discuss and seek support from our peers, it’s made a difference in my life. If nothing else, writing about it all has helped me sort my thoughts, emotions, stuff. And I got to meet numerous people and talk about stuff with them.

We’re all fucked up, yeah, but we understand each other, and that’s more than we get from just about anyone else who’s not transabled.

Dear Dante,

deaf or paralyzed - I can so well imagine how you feel. As I wrote before in another thread I had the opportunity to go out in a wheelchair, which has been my dream as long as I can think back. And now, with the chance right before my eyes, I was just terribly afraid and thought that all my attempts to fight it would have been in vain if I gave in now. That I would cross a line and never come back. It was a similar feeling with sending my first comment on this site.
Finally I decided to just risk it, take the opportunity, we made a blind date (which was the first one in my life as I had never seen the guy whom I went out with…) and he collected me for my wheelchair trip. Luckily he was very nice and handsome so it was all a good experience for me, extraordinary, exciting, inspiring and distressing at the same time. The and months before I fought against my longest transabled-attack so far. It consumed all my time and energy and was just very frustrating. That need to be paralyzed grew as strong as never before and if that had not been enough, I felt pangs of remorse because this was all just not understandable, not “normal” - whatever that is. The wheelchair trip was a huge relief. I’m far from telling anybody and still trying to find an explanation for tho whole story, but it was a first step to open up a bit in this community and get in touch with people who feel the same way. Whether you decide to fight it or to give in - either way I hope you find a solution for yourself. As Sean already said - becoming deaf is a bit easier than becoming paralyzed. (30 years ago, my granny became almost completely deaf because of a barking dog - no joke!!) I hope you settle in well in this “family you never wanted to be a part of” - I wish you all the best!
Katie

Dante I can promise you, things will calm down. I felt just like this when I first admitted that I had BIID and started becoming active in the community. The difference is that I was less honest than you are and I didn’t mention that I blamed Sean. I still do, somewhat. I still wonder at times if I wasn’t better off, before. But I don’t know, I don’t have the answer. And it’s irrelevant now in any case.

Perhaps I have done you no favors.

I’ve not shown you who you really are. We are all SO MUCH MORE than our BIID. That should mean something to you, eh? I’ve given you a name for the strange desires that you’ve always had, and you don’t have to be a part of the community if you don’t want. But I hope you’ll let us help, and show us how we can help you.

Katie, I’d like to talk to you, can you please email me?