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Lemons and Lemonade
Written by Alex on Thursday, June 29, 2006
Lately I’ve noticed a trend on several of the sites I visit and groups I belong to. I know this happens in every group, every environment we see ourselves in whether it be family, working, in person or online. The whiners, bitchers, pissers, and moaners…. Now in all honesty I have done my fair share of the afore mentioned adjectives, but lately there have been some posts that have really pushed my ‘get over yourself’ buttons.
I know we all have days where we just want to rage at the machine, scream until somebody hears of we go hoarse and as far as I am concerned go for it knock yourself out. But sooner or later you have to get yourself together, stop wallowing in self pity and just be glad you are not alone on this journey.
I cannot even begin to express the relief I have felt over the last several months knowing I am not a freak. I am not alone. Yes, I have known about transsexuals for years saying they know they are the wrong sex and the physical and psychological problems that go with it. Any one of us in the BIID – pretender - Transabled community can identify with those feelings and confusion. Some handle those feelings better than others. Each person like each disability is different with varying degrees of depression, or whatever. I’ve been told by several that I just don’t understand depression and I have to agree I have no clue but some people have better coping skills than others.
For me finding out I wasn’t nuts or sicko demented was such a relief that I can now actually look on this condition as an adventure. I can now begin to discover what it is about me that I find so objectionable that I feel the way I do about my body. Is it really physical? Is it a mental image? Is it only a way of relieving stress?
I’ve read books on dreams to trying to figure this out. According to several sources dreams about paralysis or missing legs are actually a metaphor for feelings of non-mobility. Say like I feel trapped in a situation which I don’t feel I have the ability to move ahead or get out of. Dreaming about being a para or an amputee is an indicator that there is something keeping me in one place either at work or a personal relationship. Dreaming of being in the wheelchair is a way of saying yes I am stuck, but there is an option.
That is how I chose to look at my feelings of being transabled. Yes, I know there is something not right about my body, how I see myself. Am I willing to do myself bodily harm to get to this image? Not at this time. Do I know exactly what my mind’s eye sees as my body image? Nope. I can say that because my dreams are not always the same. So in reality I am one confused individual. I actually envy those of you who are clear in what you want and need.
Am I going to sit back and keep saying to myself I don’t know what I want, what I need and wallow and worry about it? Hell no! I’m going to deal with this the best I know how and, for lack of a better phrase, enjoy the ride. I know the problem now and can figure out how to deal with it. I’m probably not saying this well, but I just feel that it’s better to get out and enjoy life no matter how (AB, wheeling, crutching) than to sit in your room, house etc and bitch. Grab what you have people and live!!!
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2 Comments
I too had missed this post, probably because it was posted before I discovered the site. The experience resonates very much with my own after I discovered, about fifteen years ago, that I am not alone. I ordered my braces from Bob, rounded up a decent pair of forearm crutches, and indulged in some excellent adventures into cripdom for several days running. Unfortunately these had to happen far from anywhere I had lived because I was in no position to have my propensities outed much less live the crip life full time but it was glorious while it lasted. Had I made the not-alone discovery thirty years earlier my life might have been quite different, and much happier.
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1 On 26 August, 2008, Katie said:
What a wonderful post! I know it’s quite late for a comment but I just came across it now by looking for some relief. I cannot say that I feel depressed, not really anyway, but my BIID just doesn’t let me go at the moment and I’m struggling to concentrate on everyday things that need to be done. No concentration for me today though. My presentation is still as unfinished as it was yesterday and not one tick more on my to-do-list. I hope this is eventually passing by. I will try and bear a bit of your philosophy in mind. Thanks a million!