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Home / Thoughts / Leading a double life

Leading a double life

Written by Sean on Thursday, November 30, 2006

So the discussion with a friend is about whether or not she should find a way to go "full-time". That is, should she figure out a way to be able to use a wheelchair all the time. I must admit, I’ve been advocating to her that it would do her a world of good to do so. I know it’s the only way I can conceive of leading *my* life. But is it really for me to encourage anyone in that direction?

I can say that I believe that for many transabled folks it is a very good avenue towards being more comfortable with oneself. I also know that for some of the transabled individuals I interact with, the wheeling has ended up to be more of a frustration than anything else. I do share that frustration myself at times, as every single thing I do reminds me that I’m not actually paralysed. But frustration aside, is wheeling full time the only, or best, way to go?

The fact is, living as a wheelchair user is leading a double life. I used to joke about the fact that "before, I had to hide my wheelchair, now I have to hide my good legs". It was more a quip than a joke, really. But it’s true. I’ve traded one set of problems for another, one set of lies for another. And I don’t like having to lie.

But in fact, whether I wheel or not, I have to lie. If I don’t wheel, I have to lie to myself, pretending I don’t really need the chair to function. If I do wheel, then, I have to lie to others about the reasons why I use the chair, since BIID is not an acceptable reason to wheel (yet?). The problem is compounded by the fact that if you have loved ones, you need their complicity. In effect, it is asking them to lie as well if you’re going to wheel full-time. This may, or may not, be a problem. But it doesn’t make for an easy situation either way.

And so I ask myself: Am I better off wheeling as much as I do, leading this double-life, and having to lie, and asking my partner to lie with me than to lead another double-life, lie to myself, and not wheel or only wheel at home? The answer to that is an undoubted YES!

It’s not perfect, far from it. But it’s better than not wheeling.

But I wonder, do I have any right to encourage others in the direction I’ve chosen for myself? In some ways I feel I’ve pushed Sophie in that direction. I think she’s happier wheeling than not, but I also know she struggles with many similar issues to mine.

Then, I think that I haven’t really had to encourage much. I merely pointed out possibilities, and pointed in the right direction. I’ve basically said "it’s ok to go in that direction, which you’ve always wanted to go towards". Was that encouraging, prompting to do something she wouldn’t have done without me?

I don’t know. I just know that I hope no one comes to regret decisions and actions they’ve taken based on my "advice", whatever that is.

[tags]Wheelchair, Transabled, Paralysed, BIID, Double-life, Regrets, Frustration[/tags]