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Home / Thoughts / Other's Thoughts / Late night ramblings to a transabled friend

Late night ramblings to a transabled friend

Written by Claire on Sunday, December 17, 2006

Hello my dear friend,

Here I am, up at 3am, now 4, now 5, can’t sleep, feel like talking. So I’ll write you. :o)

I’ve been feeling lonely lately. I’ve found that deciding to finally deal with being transabled has pushed me away from everyone real in my life. Now I’ve got this deep dark secret…well, I always had a deep dark secret, but it didn’t take up so much space in my life. Now it takes up more space, more time, more of my mental resources. It’s on my mind more. And I find that I can’t get my mind off it as easily as I once did, or at all, sometimes.

The result is that I can’t chat with my mom on the phone because she wants to know what is going on, and that’s ALL that’s going on. Or if there is something else going on I’m oblivious to it, or haven’t been paying enough attention to have much to say about it. Same things with my friends. I’m avoiding them now, because I just can’t enter into the banter like I used to be able to. Not much to say to my husband either. I feel troubled, and alone. I go off by myself, and brood, or type.

In fact the only time I don’t feel alone anymore is when I chat with one of the online friends who knows about and accepts my transability. It’s not a good thing to start feeling like your only real life is your online life. I know this…been there, it’s not pretty. But there’s no one real to talk about these things with. NO. ONE.

Last time I was in this spot it was 2 years of sheer, utter hell that culminated in me being suicidal and going on Paxil. Then, though, I never could tell anyone what was really wrong. Now, at least, I can do that, and be proactive, raise awareness, get involved, and that helps, and I feel good about that. It’s a good thing, and needs to be done. And perhaps it’s one of the reasons it’s all happening (says Claire the Catholic who must find Meaning and Reason in all things).

And I have some hope because when I finally pulled myself out of that last horrible episode, I lived some of the best years of my entire life, I was happy, the happiest I’ve ever been in my life. So maybe this is all just a part of the process. I hope so, and it’s what I’m thinking. Sometimes you have to hit rock bottom before you can start climbing back up again. I guess before I showed up around here I was slowly sliding into a slump (oooh, great alliteration!) and then when I started talking about it, and doing something about it, it broke loose a lot of "stuff" I’d been holding inside. And not just transabled stuff but issues with my marriage, work, kids, things that have been deteriorating slowly for years suddenly getting much worse. But those things might very well have something to do with being transabled as well. Or maybe my transability was getting worse because other things were getting worse. Chicken and egg? I dunno. I’ve always felt that my need to be in a wheelchair was somehow tied in with my need for love. Wheelchair=Love, I was taught that at a very young age. It’s not all there is to my transability, but it’s a part. I dunno. I haven’t figured out that part yet.

So here I am in this descent. Knowing that it will stop and things will start getting better again. I just wonder, how long will it last, and how bad will it get, before that happens? I know you don’t know, I just need to talk. Another 2 years? Getting suicidal? Somehow I don’t think so. I think it’s going to be resolved more easily this time. I hope so. Because now I can talk about what’s *really* wrong, and have more tools at my disposal to deal with it. And some experience, having been there before.

And there you are, my friend, listening on the other end. … You’re there, caring, and I’m here…caring. So thanks for being there to listen. And here I must bring my mad ramblings to an end, and try to get some sleep.

*hugs*

Love,
Claire

Tags: Transabled, BIID, Wheelchair, Friendship, Friends, Loneliness, Depression